I'm in Love With My Own Sin

Gerard’s P.O.V

I didn’t know that I was saying his name until it slipped out of my mouth. I could feel my heart racing, beating about ten times faster than it normally would. I couldn’t believe that I was actually sitting here, staring eye to eye with Frank. Frank, the one that I haven’t seen in a whole five years.

Over that time period of five years he still hasn’t changed much. He was still that small guy that I remembered back in high school. He still had that nose and lip ring, the lip ring that drove me crazy back then. He was wearing a thin line of eyeliner under his eyes, which framed his striking hazel ones perfectly. He was still wearing that dark clothing, like he used to. He was wearing a black flag shirt and black skinny jeans. But the only thing different with him was his hair. There was no longer that striking black Mohawk that fell off with a fringe down his face, but in its place was long brown hair. It seemed too normal for him.
But the one thing that stood out above all was his pure beauty. He was beautiful. He was naturally beautiful. He didn’t need anything to make him look any better. I honestly don’t think that he could look any better than he does now. It made me mad because even though I should be screaming at him right now, I don’t think I could. The look on his face, the tears that are falling, its all too much.

I didn’t know what I should be feeling right now. I was completely ecstatic, and then I was completely fuming. I was excited because I finally got to see Frank again. He actually came back to me like he promised he would. Maybe, he still did care about me. Screw what Mikey says. But then, I was furious. He leaves me and after five years, five whole years where I suffered through depression, addiction and whatever, he was not there for me. He didn’t even call, didn’t even write, he just left me here on my own.

I wanted to cry and I wanted to hold him. I wanted to punch him and I wanted to kiss him. But no matter how mad I was at him in this moment, seeing him like this, crying and clutching onto his steering wheel for dear life, made me feel so bad for him.

“G-Gee?” he blubbered out, reaching forward and grabbing a fist full of my shirt in his hands. He pulled me close to him, kneading his hands in my shirt.

He was so close to me, the closest that he has been in so long. I never thought that this would happen. I never thought that I would be seeing Frank again. I especially didn’t know that when I saw him for the first time in so long, that I would still be feeling these feelings for him. But this time, the feelings were so much more intense. I was still in love with Frank.

“Yes Frank?” I asked him, putting up my hands and grabbing onto his, which were still laced through my shirt. He looked up at me with red, puffy eyes.

“G-Gee, I missed you so much.” He cried to me, his eyes never trailing off of mine. I was utterly speechless. “I’m so sorry that I left you for so long Gee,” he cried. “I don’t know why I haven’t tried to talk to you. I just miss you so much.” He whispered, closing his eyes as he let more tears fall.

“Frank… I-“ I began but was soon cut off by Frank. He pushed one of his fingers to my lips, silencing me automatically.

“L-Let me talk Gee, ´ he began. He took in a long deep breath before he continued. “I have no idea why I didn’t keep in touch with you. I have no excuse and I have no reason behind it.” He told me quietly. “I guess I was just scared. I was scared because I was feeling things for you that I have never felt before.” He unraveled his hand and grabbed my own, intertwining our fingers together.

“I was running away from you because I didn’t want to hurt you. Every time I fall in love with someone it always ends up hurting them or myself. I didn’t want to hurt you Gee.” Frank explained to me, wiping stray tears out of his eyes.

“Don’t you think that by leaving me, you hurt me the most? Frank, I stayed up all night waiting to see if you were going to come back for me. Some nights I just sat by the phone and waited for you to call. I would wait to see if you were going to at least send me a letter or anything. You never once called me or kept in contact. One call Frank. That is all that I wanted. One single phone call and I would have been fine. But I guess that I didn’t even deserve that.” I whispered, trailing my eyes down to my lap. I removed my hands from his and set them on my lap, one on top of the other.

He stared over me, his eyes searching for something. I didn’t dare look at him. I couldn’t look at him without bursting out into tears. I have wanted to say this to him for so long, and now was my chance to say it.

“One fucking phone call Frank, that’s all I ask for. Do you even care about me Frank? Did you even ever once just sit there and think if I was okay? Did you ever even think about calling, or maybe even visiting me? I missed you so fucking much Frank. I needed someone. I needed someone there for me when I went through all of my depression. I needed someone there for me when I went through my addictions. I needed you there for me Frank and I had no fucking idea where you were!” I yelled at him, all of the anger just dripping out of my voice.

“I was there for you when you needed me.” I whispered to him. “Through all of those dark times five years ago, I helped you through it all. No matter what I helped you because I cared about you and wanted to watch you get better.” I told him, tears forming in my eyes. “You weren’t there for me when I needed you most.” I whispered, finally looking back up to him. I looked him in the eyes. His eyes were filled with remorse.

“You and you alone would have made me better Frank. You would have been like my medicine. If I just saw you… heard your voice again… I knew that I would have gotten through it.” I told him, the tears now flowing like a river down my cheeks.

“I would have pulled through for you. I would have done anything to see you again.” I told him truthfully. He looked at me, the complete and utter sadness visible on his face.

“Then, you just ended up breaking my heart.” I told him, looking at him in the eyes once more. Just to see the expression on his face made me want to cry even more. He himself looked broken.

He was speechless then and I had nothing else to say to him. I would sit in this car and wait until he told me something. I wanted to hear his thoughts on this and I wanted him to tell me that he was sorry. But most of all, I wanted him to stay here with me, and never leave me again. I wanted to be with him forever. Even through all of the heartbreak and drama that went along with him, I still loved him. I don’t think that I will ever be able to stop loving Frank. But truth be told, I wanted to love Frank. I want things to get better between us. I want to have him all to myself again.