I'm in Love With My Own Sin

Frank’s P.O.V

I love you. This is all that I want to tell Gerard at this moment. I love you and that is why I left you for so long. I wanted to keep you safe, I wanted to keep you from harms way. I wanted to keep you for myself, but I wanted you to stay away from me. I didn’t want you hurt, and I still don’t. I care about you more than you will ever know, and sometimes that is just too hard to handle.

I am sitting here, sitting somewhere that I would never have been again. I can’t believe that I am sitting here in your driveway, starring at you. Just starring at you, not really caring about anything else except you. I was feeling so many things at this moment right now, I felt blissful, and I felt culpable.

I don’t deserve to be looking at you right now. I don’t deserve to be breathing the same air as you. You are too good for me I don’t deserve you. I have no idea how I am blessed with your presence, and now, I finally have you. After all of these years I finally have you.

I don’t really think you understand how much you mean to me, how much I crave you. I cannot believe that I made it that long without seeing you. It seems as if I finally have that other half with me again. It feels as if I am complete. I want to tell him so many things, but I cant. If he rejected me, I wouldn’t be able to stand it.

I didn’t know how to start this off. I didn’t know how to tell him that I loved him more than I ever thought was capable. I had no idea how to tell him that without him, I was nothing. That every breath I take, every step that I take, every single time that I do something, it is always better when I am with him.

He was my savior. He did everything for me, he took me in when I had nowhere else to go, he gave me the help that I needed. He held me through those torturous nights full of agony and despair. He never gave up on me, even when I was at my lowest. He never gave up on me, even after I gave up on him. Even when I left him, he never gave up hope. But that was one thing that I gave up on a long time ago. I gave up on all hope. Hope was just another unreachable word for me, something that I would never feel again. All hope, was dead to me.

I realized now, that I took him for advantage. I drained every single little thing from him that I could gather. It made me stronger, but it weakened him in the process. When I looked into his eyes now, I didn’t see that Gerard Way that I remembered back in high school. I saw a suffering soul, trapped into his shattered body. There was something in his eyes, something that I never thought Gerard would possess. And that was just plain anguish. He wasn’t bright and cheery anymore, just a drunken soul sitting in my passenger seat. He was like a corpse; he looked like he was dead on the inside.

I took a deep breath, finally just gathering all of the thoughts into my head. I couldn’t tell him everything. I couldn’t tell him everything just yet because I know that the timing is nowhere near right. So, I guess what I am about to say will have to do for now.

“ I have never meant to hurt you Gerard. That was never my intentions.” I began, grabbing the keys out of the engine and throwing them up on my dashboard. “I would never intentionally hurt you Gerard, its not possible.” I whispered, looking out the window at that familiar house. I felt some tears begin to sting at the corner of my eyes, but I was quick to blink them away. That house had so many memories, good and bad.

“I don’t mean to hurt people, it just happens. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that Gerard. Me leaving you was only meant to help you. I didn’t want to leave you, I really didn’t.” I whispered, finally looking up at him. His eyes were rimming with tears.

“Once I left, and I mean really left, I wanted to come back. I felt so incomplete, and just so lonely.” I told him, reaching for his hand once again, this time, he let me have it.

I smiled lightly and held his hand with just a small amount of urgency. I missed this so much, and I missed him.

“I thought about coming back.” I began. “I thought about coming back for you, and try to make something come of us. I wanted to be with you, but I was holding my self back.” I whispered looking at him dead in the eyes, reaching my free hand up to take a stray lock of hair from his face.

“I remember when you told me that you would never let anyone hurt me. That you would always be there for me.” I smiled lightly at him. I stopped talking and just looked at him for a moment, really just memorizing his face. He was just so beautiful, so angelic.

“You kept your promise, but I never kept mine.” I whispered, removing my hands from his grasps.

He looked so sad right now, so vulnerable and so lonely. He looked like the life was sucked out of him, yet he still looked so gorgeous, so breathtaking. But there was this sense of happiness in his features, I could tell that he was happy, but the sadness was just overwhelming.

I miss Gerard. I miss Gerard so much, so much that it hurts. I hate sitting here next to him, knowing that I messed up, that I had the chance to be with him but didn’t take it. I had one thing that was really running through my mind right now. One thing was really prominent; one thing that really stuck out.

“Do I have a chance to be with you again?” I whispered breathlessly, taking my gaze away from Gerard and stared out at the house in front of me.

The car was completely and utterly silent. The only sound that was present was our breaths as we breathed, and the faint sounds of our hearts beating in tune. It was all so calm, yet the tension was so thick. I was so messed up right now. My emotions were running wild, as I was happy, anxious, nervous, and frightened all rolled into one. I feared rejection. Rejection is what I am most likely going to receive.

I heard Gerard clear his throat next to me, breaking that unnerving silence. He grabbed my face with both hands, and turned me so that I was facing him. His eyes bore into mine for a split second, before his eyes trailed down to my lips, where they locked there momentarily. I trailed my eyes back down to his lips, shifting in my seat so that I was closer to him. My breathing was now erratic. My heart beat matching its pace.

“Frank,” he whispered, still not gazing up into my eyes, but instead looking at my lips hungrily with half lidded eyes. I bit my lip and nodded at him, urging him to continue.
“I waited so long for you,” he mumbled, inching his way closer to me, never taking his eyes off of me.

“I know you did, I shouldn’t have made you wait.” I whispered, moving my legs so that I was situated, my back hitting the steering wheel.

“I don’t think you realize how much I want you right now.” He whispered, his voice cracking in the process. I felt my breath hitch in my throat.

“T-then take me.” I told him. “Take me.” I whispered, getting in closer and closer to him until our noses were almost touching. “Take me, right now. You can have me, I want you to have me, I want to be with you.” I told him, slipping my eyelids shut as I waited for the moment to happen, when he would finally kiss me.

“In two weeks.” he told me, removing his hands from my face. I opened my eyes slowly, to be met face to face with Gerard. “If your still here, and you still want me, ill give you two weeks. That is when I will tell you the answer. I just want you to wait two weeks, like I have waited five years.” He told me, honesty clear in his voice.

If I honestly, and truly cared for Gerard, then I would wait until then. As much as I wanted him now, I knew that I had to wait for him. I had to win him over all over again, in a two weeks period. I would do it, and I would stay with him because my love for him is still as strong as it was in high school.

“Two weeks.” I agreed with him. He smiled at me and held out his hand for me to shake. I grabbed it and shook it as hard as I could manage, smiling back at him in the process.

What he did next surprised me. He yanked on my arm and pulled me over closely to him, and quickly planted a light subtle kiss to my cheek. I felt my whole entire face turn a bright shade of red before he let go of me and I flung back in my seat. Gerard opened the car door and hopped out, and made his way over to the driver’s side.

I held my cheek with my hand and as opened my car door and grabbed my arm so that I was standing out side and up right.

“You do realize that I am not done talking with you right?” he asked me, lightly smiling. I giggled at him and nodded my head.

“Yeah, I know.” I replied to him, shaking my head as we walked up to the steps to his house.

“You also do realize that I am extremely pissed at you.” He added on, and I couldn’t help but laugh again and punch him playfully on the arm.

“I figured that much.” I told him, honestly. I knew he was mad at me, and he was nowhere near done telling me off.

“I just missed you too much that I don’t want the first time that I see you in so long to be a bad memory.” He told me as he nudged my shoulder, grinning from ear to ear.

“I missed you too,” I whispered, closing my eyes. I can’t believe that this was actually happening, that I was finally talking to Gerard again.

I missed him so much, and now, now it felt as if none of this was happening. That all of this was just some dream that I would wake up from at any second. I was going to win Gerard back, and get him all to myself. Now, I just have to figure out what to do next.

This is the happiest that I have been in a long time. It has been over five years since I was this happy, and I want it to stay this way. As long as Gerard forgives me, then that is all that matters. I will be counting the days, until Gerard can be mine. I will never leave him again, and that’s a promise.