The Mess I Made

I've made a lot of mistakes which anyone can clearly see. You may have heard about them. You may feel a certain way towards me now. You may despise me. You may think I'm stupid. You may think I've changed.

I like to think that I have. Instead of turning to alcohol for all of my problems I confront them head on which still leaves me in quite a bit of trouble but I never said I was perfect. I'm far from it.

You know that Hannah Montana song that I've quoted a couple of times? Of course you do, everyone in this god damn world probably does. It's so overplayed and ridiculous. Just look at the stupid dance moves in what Disney Channel calls a music video. It doesn't even go with the message of the song. Somewhere behind those lame lyrics is a meaning that everyone should know.

Nobody's perfect. We all make mistakes, some are a lot bigger than others. Some take ages to over come but in time you can do it. I'm still trying to fix everything but it's getting better. Time heals all wounds after all.

I don't think everything will ever go back to normal. A lot has changed and so have we. It may not be something that you can see right away but it's there. You just have to find it.

Just by looking at me would you guess that I'm an alcoholic? Probably not. Would you guess that the pretty girl who always has a smile on her face battles with her depression on a daily basis? No, you wouldn't. Would you know that the boy who gets on stage almost every night is a perfectionist and beats himself up whenever he makes a mistake? No. What about the boy who appears confident? Do you think he's struggling with something that you wouldn't know just by looking at him? Highly unlikely. What about the quiet girl who's been nothing but nice to you? Do you know what she goes through? Not a chance.

Then there's the boy who has been there for you through everything. He doesn't judge you for the things that you've done because he's also done some things that he's not quite proud. He wouldn't want anyone judging him for it so why should you judge everyone else? That's right you shouldn't.

We all have story's that have not been told. You may see the scars that are on our bodies but you don't know the scars that we have on the inside. You don't know what happened to get those scars. You don't know whether or not they are still eating away at us. You can't know everybody. It's not possible.

There is one thing that is possible. It's possible to forgive but never forget. It's good to be a little wary sometimes so you can keep others in check. If there's nothing going on, stand your ground.
Nobody knows you better than you.

-x-

Ariana squinted looking around the play place. She was obviously suspecting me to be around somewhere, which I clearly was but she doesn't have to know that. I pulled Zach down a bit so we could stay hidden. We were so cramped in that little area that it was hard to even move.

"It doesn't matter if Skye told me or anyone else did. The only thing that matters is now I'm able to do something about it." Ariana stopped looking around and looked back to Cameron. He took her hand in his, "I like you. I know you like me too. Don't we owe ourselves some happiness? We can't just be footnotes in another person's love story. We're not just additional information added in. We're more than that."

"What do we do now?"

"We do this." Cameron leaned in and kissed Ariana. She wrapped her arms around his neck and his hands found his way to her waist. It took everything in me not to 'aw' out loud. I'm sure Ariana would have killed me if I did that.

I quietly got out of the spot where Zach and I were hiding. He followed me and we quietly slipped away so we wouldn't ruin their moment even though I desperately wanted to jump and dance around. I knew it wouldn't be the right thing to do so we left.

We found our way to the bus and sat down like nothing had happened. Since Michael and Cassidy weren't seen in the front of the bus I suspected them to be in the back room where all the doors were closed. I could hear them talking in hushed voices and an occasional giggle from Cassidy.

I smiled and laid back in the seat. "I think I did the right thing."

"It was bound to happen eventually right?"

I pushed Zach and he grinned, "Jackass."

"Somehow you still love me."

"Do not."

"Do too."

The doors of the bus opened which stopped or bickering. Ariana came on first with a huge smile on her face. Cameron followed with a love sick puppy dog look on his face. It was so nice to see them happy but at the same time it was funny.

I laughed. Zach hit me with his elbow in an attempt to shut me up but it just made me laugh even harder, "You guys are so obvious that it's funny. You guys don't even have to say anything. I already know what happened."

"Obviously."

Cameron rolled his eyes, "We saw the two of you sneaking out of the play area."

"Must have been someone else."

"Sure it was." I could see Cameron reach for Ariana's hand. He held on to it and gently rubbed his finger back and forth.

"You guys are so cute!" I gushed, "It's like watching two little kids-"

"It's better than being an old married couple."

"There's no old married couple here." I raised my hands in defense. I could see Cameron and Ariana eyeing Zach and I. "What?"

Cameron began to open his mouth but we were interrupted by Cassidy and Michael joining us. Michael scooted his way in between Cameron and Ariana with a huge smirk on his face. Ariana hit him. "Michael!"

"I was just kidding." Michael looked around, "Where's the food?" Until then we didn't even realize that they had forgotten the food.

"I wasn't joking about being hungry you know."

Ariana got up from her spot, "We'll get it. Come on Cam." He didn't object and followed her off the bus.

"They're really good together. I don't even know them all that well but even I can see it." said Cassidy.

"You've got that right."

After the two love birds came back we quickly scarfed down our food when we realized just how close we were to the venue that the boys were playing that night. They didn't even have time to put together a sound check because the sun was already going down. I guess they will just have to wing it.

The tour bus parked in the back of the venue so we were able to sneak the instruments in without being seen. It was a good thing there was no VIP at this show or we would have been screwed. One by one we each brought in the drum kit, guitars, amps, and microphones. The guys that worked at the venue looked annoyed when they realized just how late we were but they didn't say anything.

We quickly set up before the fans started pouring into the room. When they saw the boys already on the stage they started jumping up and down calling each of their names. The boys smiled and waved. One thing that's obvious is there love for their fans. If we had gotten their earlier they would have stopped to talk to each and everyone of them but time wasn't something we had.

"We'll talk to you guys after the show okay? Sorry we're running a little behind schedule."

You could hear a couple of girls sigh. A few of them pouting the same way that I have done a number of times.

"I promise." said Zach. This made each of their faces light up. If there's one thing that Zach does is keep his promises.

A few of the girls responded in squeals and the rest nodded. The boys finished setting up and went behind the door. There were only a few minutes until they made their entrance. I saw Ariana and Cassidy give Michael and Cameron a quick kiss on the cheek before they went out to join the audience. I stood their awkwardly looking at Zach. He scratched his head and I bit my lip.

"I guess this is when I tell you good luck."

"Or break a leg."

I gave him a hug. For a second he resisted but in the end he gave in and wrapped his arms around me, "Break two legs for me okay?" We let go and he nodded. I smiled and began walking away.

"Skye wait-" I turned around, "I'm glad you invited yourself on the road with us."

I laughed, "You would have invited me eventually." I winked and turned back around.

I went back onto the stage and hopped off the side to get off. When I landed I was face to face with someone who I never wanted to see again.

Katherine stood in front of me. A scowl on her practically flawless face.

"Did you miss me this much to come visit me? That's so sweet."

"Why would I ever want to see you again?" She sneered. I crossed my arms. "I'm here for Zach."

"Do you know how happy he was to get rid of you? He was practically jumping for joy."

"I doubt it." She stared me down, "I think you have me confused with yourself, actually. When you walked out of his life he became much happier."

"What happened in the past doesn't matter now." I said, "Things change."

"Not everything. Just watch his face when he sees me. He'll be happy I came to make up."

"Not likely."

The lights began flickering which meant that Allstar Weekend was about to hit the stage to perform. The crowd started yelling Allstar over and over again. The song "Allstar" by Smash Mouth filled the speakers much like the first time I saw them play. The crowd went wild and started jumping up and down. One by one each of the boys took the stage.

Michael was the first one out. He held his drumsticks up in the air and waved to Cassidy who was sitting at the bar stool with Ariana. I turned around and saw her wave back with a huge smile on her face. Michael took his place behind the drum set and started beating away at it.

Cameron came out next and put an "L" to his forehead much like any other night. I could see Ariana giggling and shaking her head in the distance. He picked up his bass and waved to the crowd and through a wink in Ariana's direction.

Zach was the last one out. He practically strutted to center stage where the microphone was placed. Seeing him on stage and actually talking to him is so different. Anyone could tell you that. On stage he was confident and borderline cocky but off stage he's one of the sweetest guys I've ever met...except for when he's pissed off but that's usually saved just for me.

The boys started playing a few chords to their song "Not Your Birthday" and Zach began singing. It was amazing just watching him. The smile that was on his face never left even when he sang a much sadder song. I don't remember the last time I've ever seen him that happy.

The boys played five songs with out stopping except for when they would take a drink of water. After the fifth song a couple of guys from back stage brought out two chairs. I tilted my head to the side because this was not in their original set. I would know I saw the list only a few hours beforehand.

Zach picked up an acoustic guitar while Cameron and Michael disappeared from the stage. I looked around to see if anyone else knew what was going on but they looked just as confused as I was.

Zach took a seat on one of the chairs and adjusted the microphone stand to where he was. "Hi guys. This wasn't originally a part of the set list but I added it in." He started playing a few chords. I didn't recognize the song at first until I realized that I had been listening to it on my ipod earlier that day.

Zach stopped playing, "Wait, there's something I need to say." The crowd became quiet, anxiously waiting what he had to say. "I'm sure some of you have heard or even seen my out burst during a song a couple of shows ago. If you have no idea what I'm talking about I suggest you don't look it up. I was a jerk and I'm not proud of that."

My eyebrows raised, "What is he doing?" I asked to no one in particular.

"You see guys, I made a mistake which everyone does right? I knew from the moment that I stopped singing that I fucked up. I hurt someone who I really care about just because I was mad at her. I hope she's not too mad at me because I'd like for her to come join me up on stage." The crowd looked around to see who Zach was talking about. I could see Katherine straightening up just a bit with a smug look on her face. "Would Skyelynn Highland please come on stage?"

I stood there frozen with my eyes practically bugging out of my head. I could feel someone pushing me from behind. I forced myself to turn around and saw Ariana there.

"Get up there you moron. You better not ruin this."

My heart started racing as I slowly made my way to the stage. Zach held out his hand so I could get onto the stage. I took it. Zach pulled me up on stage and gestured for me to sit down. I sat down without saying anything. For once I was actually speechless.

Zach started playing the first few chords again on the acoustic guitar. He looked up at me and smiled. I couldn't even return the smile because I was so nervous. I saw him look down to keep him from laughing. "This song is called "Stand Your Ground" by Sing Me Insomnia."

The crowd cheered. He looked out and smiled at all of the fans. When his eyes landed on Katherine he shook his head. He turned his attention back to me and began singing, "Where do I start? How about I tell you that I simply cannot live without you? How about I tell you that I simply cannot breathe without you here by my side? You've always been the place where my fears can hide but not anymore."

He stopped singing and continued playing the guitar. When the next verse started he began singing once again, "What do I say? How about I start by asking if my love has ever been enough? How about we start with all of the secrets you've kept bottled up in this broken place you call you heart" I looked down at the ground for a brief second and looked back up again. I fidgeted in my chair desperately wanting to get out from under the spotlight.

I started getting up forgetting that Zach still had the rest of the song. When he saw me start to get up. He shook his head and began singing the next verse, "And I'll gesture towards you, please don't go. If you tell me what I wanna know." He repeated the same two lines. I stopped fidgeting and just sat there looking at Zach.

He sang another verse and got up from his chair handing the acoustic guitar off to Cameron who had just came onto the stage without my knowledge. Zach held out his hand for me to take once again and I took it without hesitation.

Zach moved closer to me and started singing directly to me, "How do I act? How about I slowly put my hand around your waist?" He put his hands around my waist just as the song said. I could hear a few gasping girls from the crowd. I bit my lip to try to hide what I was feeling but a smile broke across my face anyway.

He continued singing with his smile growing wider and wider with every word. I could hear some cheers coming from the crowd. I turned to look at them for a moment and saw Katherine running out of the venue. I let out a small laugh before turning my attention back to Zach who was singing the final line, "Where do I start? How about I start like this?" He leaned in and kissed me in front of the whole crowd of screaming fans, his friends, and his ex girlfriend.

His hands were still on my waist so I put my hands around his neck. I kissed him back. The lights on the stage turned black leaving us in the dark. The curtains on the side of the stage began closing.

I pulled away, "What are we doing? This could ruin all of the progress that we've made. We can't just-"

He kissed me again to stop me from talking, "I don't care."

"I do."

"Come on Skye, you know I love you. I never stopped."

"But-"

"No buts."

"What about all of the messes that I have made?"

"What about them?" He asked.

"Are you willing to forgive me?"

"I already have."

I couldn't stop smiling. It was hard to believe in just a few weeks I was able to accomplish so much. If you told me that I would be standing here with Zach then I wouldn't have believed you. It's amazing how fast things can change especially when you think that it's never going to. I'm just glad it finally did.

After picking up the pieces of the mess that I have made over the years I am finally able to see what lies underneath and that is happiness.