Some Days

Payton didn’t leave. She swore she unintentionally missed her flight – something about getting in an argument with a guy at the ticket counter – and she took a taxi back to the hotel Regan and I were staying at. We stayed up late that first night in Arizona. She made sure I knew her thoughts on Garrett and how she could tell that he liked me; we argued about whether or not I should move back; but we spent most of the night talking about the uncertainty of my mother’s condition.

“What are you going to do?” Payton asked. We were seated out on the balcony, overlooking the city streets of Phoenix. The sun was finally rising and the residents were slowly waking.

“About what?” I asked sleepily, trying my hardest to suppress a yawn.

Payton glared at me. “Everything. Especially about your parents meeting Regan.”

The yawn got the best of me and once it escaped, they kept coming. After three in a row, my eyes were watering and I sniffled my nose. “My mom doesn’t remember me. Dad wasn’t there, so I dunno.. I’m just scared, Payton. I don’t want to throw Regan in the middle of all this if it’s going to be worthless. She doesn’t know anything different than what we have in Chicago.”

“I think they deserve to know,” Payton said.

Payton was, in all respects, naive. She was wide-eyed and innocent, a true daddy’s girl to the core. She never spoke out of turn when it came to her parents and elders; she made the Dean’s list, had all honors in high school; and she remained pure – at least in her own terms, because she had definitely tasted quite a few lips in her time away at college. But, behind her baby blues and pretty blonde locks, she knew what she was talking about. Most of the time, anyway.

“I dunno, P,” I yawned. “I think maybe I should let John know first?”

Payton adamantly shook her head. “Definitely not. I’d let your parents know, so they can support you when it backfires. And, baby, you know it will. No guy wants to hear that they have a 5 year old, no matter how in love he was with you in high school.”

I bit my lip. Maybe that was true. Payton couldn’t stay here with me forever, and when she leaves I’ll have to bring Regan with me to my parent’s house. Regan couldn’t be kept a secret forever.

“I can’t help but think that John will be different,” I said softly.

“Maybe,” Payton agreed. “But you definitely need to tell your parents first.”

“Okay,” I sighed. “After I get some sleep, we’ll go for breakfast, and then they’ll meet Regan.”

I only managed to squeeze in a few hours of sleep before Regan woke up. The three of us went out to breakfast and I explained to her that we were going to meet her grandparents today. She seemed rather indifferent to this news, but I suppose that was to be expected.

Garrett’s car was sitting in the driveway when we arrived. It would have been odd, had I not known better, but I accepted the fact that Garrett had a bond with my mother – something deeper than I probably ever had, and ever will have.

I carried Regan inside on my hip, hesitating in the foyer. I listened intently for any noise throughout the house but heard nothing. Payton nudged me forward and I cautiously walked through the hallway leading into the kitchen. There, the double glass French doors were wide open and sitting a few feet from the edge of the porch was my mother, in an old lawn chair, and Garrett, standing next to her.

“Garrett?” I asked, loud enough so he would be able to hear me. He turned quickly, alarmed. He placed a hand on my mother’s shoulder before he excused himself.

“It’s not a good day,” Garrett said as he approached us. “She’s really not having a good day today.”

I chewed on my lip for a moment. “Are you sure? She needs to find out..”

Garrett looked over his shoulder at her; I could tell he wanted to say no, that this had to wait for another day, but he sighed heavily instead. “Your father will be home in five minutes or so. Can you maybe wait until he gets here and tell him first?”

“Tell me what?”

As if this moment couldn’t get any more clichéd, I turned around to face my father and anxiously shifted Regan higher on my hip. His eyes widened as he fully digested that I had returned.

“Please, come inside,” he said softly, holding his arm out toward me in a motion that invited me back inside.

We sat around the kitchen table, in silence. Payton couldn’t stop looking back and forth between us, no doubt wondering when one of us would say something. But, surprisingly, I didn’t have anything to say.

“Hi,” Regan said. She smiled widely at him and waved. “I’m Regan. Who are you?”

Regan’s little voice instantly melted my father and he introduced himself as her grandfather. They continued to exchange little bits and pieces of information – like Regan’s favorite color or his favorite storybook – and I remained silent. I couldn’t bring myself to interrupt.

It was a relief to see the compassion in his eyes as they spoke. He didn’t seem angry or upset that I had kept this secret from the family. I’m sure he had questions about everything, but I think the more he talked with Regan, the more he understood just how it had all played out five years ago. If the eyes didn’t give her away, the way she spoke definitely did.

“Does your mother know?” he asked me, finally, some time later. Payton had followed Regan into the living room, where she turned on the TV and climbed onto the couch. After receiving permission, of course.

I sighed and shook my head. “I stopped by yesterday. She doesn’t remember me.”

He sighed, too. And the words that came next, I knew he couldn’t promise. I knew he was just saying them to make me feel better. And, in a way, it almost did make things better. “She didn’t forget you, Nolan. She could never forget you.”

“Garrett said today’s a bad day,” I said lightly, trying to make conversation. It was hard to talk about your own mother this way.

“You know Garrett?” he questioned, obviously taken aback.

“I met him yesterday. It’s kind of a long story,” I said with a shrug. He nodded and looked away. I sighed. “Can we just get the question and answer session over with right now? I know you have questions about everything.”

He stared at me for a moment before he realized I wasn’t trying to be rude – I just wanted to get the awkward stage over with. “Was she the reason you left?”

“I left because we were both 17. He was in love with his band, and I could tell how much it meant to him. I couldn’t be the reason he changed his entire life. I wanted to be, but not for that reason. Being in a relationship is one thing, but being a parent? Completely different. He wasn’t ready for that, and I like to think I did both of us a favor,” I answered.

“So, she is John’s, then?” he asked, rather bluntly.

I nodded. “Yup. She gets more and more like him every day. Which is scary because they’ve never met.”

He looked into the living room at Regan and thought. He was figuring it out more now, understanding what happened and why. “You haven’t told him, Nolan?”

“What was I supposed to do? He was there with me when I took the pregnancy test, Dad. He knew I was pregnant the second I took off down his stairs,” I said softly, sadly. “He called every day until I changed my number. And knowing him, I’m sure he kept trying even after that.”

He nodded and a ghost of a smile graced his lips. The longer the thought lingered, the wider the smile got, and eventually a small laugh escaped. “Do you plan on telling him soon?” he asked.

“Eventually,” I warily responded. “I’m not sure what’s going on with Mom. I don’t want to completely overload Regan right now.”

I could see in his eyes that he completely disagreed with this reasoning and wanted so badly to tell me how I should really be handling this trip home. I was saved, however, when Garrett walked into the kitchen.

“Mr. Greeley?” he asked softly. “Mrs. Greeley is asking for you.”

He nodded, stood up and excused himself. He gave Garrett a pat on the shoulder as he passed. Garrett slowly walked into the kitchen and stood in front of me. “Everything okay?” I asked, looking up at him.

“Yeah, she’s just tired,” he replied. “How’d he take it?”

I shrugged. “There’s a lot he still wants to know, I can tell.”

Garrett nodded, pulling a chair up next to mine. He sat down and placed a hand on my knee. “Things will work out. You’ve done a great job so far.”

“I dunno. I mean, all that’s left today is for John to show up at the door,” I said and rolled my eyes.

Payton cleared her throat, “Uh, I think you spoke too soon. There’s a handsome man coming up the walkway. I have a feeling his name is John.”

Before I could even think of how to react to this scenario, John walked through the front door. He paused, looked at Payton and Regan, then directly at Garrett and me. I pushed my chair back, briskly walking into the room.

“Nolan?” he asked, the terror evident in his voice. He knew that little girl was his. I could see in his eyes that he was having flashbacks to the day I fled his bathroom and house – and his life altogether.

“Get out,” I said sternly, blocking his view of Regan. He went to speak but I quickly shook my head and stepped closer to him. “Outside. Now.”

He took one last, long look at Regan before he turned and walked back out the door. I closed the door behind me and he instantly started the conversation, his tone anything but pleasant.

“Seriously?” he questioned. “You seriously ran away and- and kept this from me for five years? Does she even know who I am? And Garrett? Really, Nolan? My own bandmate – my best fucking friend – already knows her?”

“It just happened,” I tried to explain.

“No,” he cut me off. “No, this shit didn’t just happen.”

I sighed heavily. “Would you stop? His mom takes care of mine, so when he saw that she was here yesterday he came inside to find out what was wrong. Payton had her, and they showed up before Garrett and his mom left. So, yeah, it just happened that he found out before you did.”

“Who else knows?” he demanded.

I rolled my eyes. This was so awkward and unnecessary. He had no right to be this paranoid. She was mine. I took care of her and I wouldn’t let anyone around her that I didn’t trust.

“Just Garrett and my father,” I said, and hopefully it was enough to please him. Deep down inside, though, I knew it wouldn’t be. “And obviously Payton, and people back home.”

His eyes softened for a moment. “Where have you been?”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t want him to know, even though Chicago was a big enough city that it would take him forever to find us. Him knowing would only create problems with his career.

“You’re such a piece of shit, Nolan,” he scoffed, angrily running his fingers through his hair.

“Yeah?” I replied, my voice even and steady, as if his words hadn’t hurt. As if I had already known this information. But truthfully, those words hurt more than anything in the entire world.

“Such a bitch,” he grumbled under his breath, then turned and walked back to his stupid white truck. “You’ve really changed, Nolan. And it’s for the worse.”

I chose not to respond as he climbed into the truck. He glared at me for a few more minutes before finally starting the ignition and driving away.

Of course I had changed. But for the worse? I could dispute that. I’ve changed a lot over the last few years, but it was all for my baby. I would do anything for her, and if that means giving up some things or leaving some people out of the loop – then so be it. Her wellbeing is all I care about these days. And John’s immediate reaction only proves that I made the best choice.

“He’ll come around,” I heard Garrett say from behind me.

I looked at him. His eyes were tired, but they held just enough emotion in them to show that he was sincere. “Maybe he won’t, and maybe that’ll be for the best.”

He frowned instantly and walked up to me. His arms wrapped tightly around me and he pressed his lips lightly to my temple, as if we had been best friends for years. “He will. I’ve lived in vans with him and he only gets those kind of anger flashes when he’s offended or deeply hurt. He’ll cool down and he’ll have a change of heart.”

I sighed, leaning my head against his shoulder as he continued to hold me. Maybe I didn’t want him to come around – not if moments like this kept happening.