Listen To Your Heart

I woke up the next morning immediately feeling the sore effects of my sleep position. I rubbed my neck and groaned while I sat up straight.
“Morning.” I heard a voice tell me, causing my head to shoot up, which I regretted when I felt the pain in my neck.
“Fuck, ow.” I groaned before looking back up at John. He was looking back at me; more like eyeing me actually. “Hey John. How are you feeling? When did you wake up?” I asked.
“I’m fine and about an hour ago.” He told me, showing no emotion. “Why are you here?” He asked.
“Um well I figured you wouldn’t want to be alone when you woke up.” I told him, looking at my lap awkwardly.
“And you thought you would be who I wanted to see?” He asked.
“Well, I don’t know, probably not. But only family members are allowed in the rooms during non-visiting hours, so Garrett lied and said we were engaged so that you’d have someone here with you.” I explained.
“Oh, well I would have rather been alone.” He said, looking away from me. His words felt like a stab in my gut but I kept it together.
“Look John, I’m really sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean any of it, I was just upset.” I sighed, looking up at him.
“You sounded like you meant it.” He huffed, sitting up straighter.
“Well I didn’t, especially the part where I said I don’t want you in my life. I want to be your friend, John; I still care about you.” I told him.
“You just don’t love me.” He stated, aggravated.
“It’s… complicated.” I told him.
“Yeah, I’m sure it is.” He sighed. “Whatever, I’m not in the mood for this. Can you just go?” He asked. I looked down at my lap again, hurt by the way he was treating me, but I knew I deserved every bit of it.
“If that’s what you want.” I nodded, standing up. I looked up at him one more time and he was just glaring at me. I looked away quickly and made my way out of the room. The sound of the door closing behind me triggered me to breakdown, finally letting out the tears that I’d been holding back. I didn’t understand why I was so upset, this was what I wanted. I wanted him to stop trying, to stop loving me. I wanted him to give up on us. At least, that’s what I thought I wanted. I leaned against the wall and let myself cry until I was able to calm down. I knew if I didn’t get them out now, they’d come when I least wanted them. Once I calmed down, I wiped my eyes and cheeks, hoping that I didn’t look too disastrous. I took a deep breath and pushed off from the wall, continuing down the hallway and back to the waiting room. When I entered, I saw the whole gang there, everyone awake. I walked over and they all looked up at me.
“Hey guys.” I said quietly.
“Hey, how is he?” Pat asked.
“He’s fine. He’s awake and he says he’s fine.” I told them, sitting down next to Pat.
“Well that’s great. Do you know when he can be released?” Jared asked.
“No,” I shook my head. “I’ll have to go ask the doctor.” I told them. They nodded. AJ leaned over Pat towards me.
“Hey, are you alright?” She asked in a worried tone.
“No. I’m not.” I sighed, getting up from the seat and walking away. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about my feelings at the moment, and I just wanted to get out of this stupid hospital. But in order to do that, I had to find someone to get John out of here. I walked to the front desk and found a nurse.
“Excuse me? I was wondering when John O’Callaghan will be able to be released? He’s awake and alert and says that he feels fine.” I told her. She smiled at me politely and typed some things into the computer before answering me.
“Well, all his tests were normal, so I’m guessing very soon. I’ll page the doctor and see what he says, alright?” She told me and I nodded. She paged the doctor and a little while later he came. They spoke quietly while I waited in a nearby chair. When they were done, the doctor came over to me and I stood.
“It looks like everything is all set for Mr. O’Callaghan to be released. We’ll just have him sign some paperwork and you all can be on your way.” The doctor smiled. I smiled too and shook his hand.
“Thank you so much doctor.” I told him and he nodded before walking off. I went back to the waiting room and told the guys that he’d be released soon and sat down with them again.
“Aren’t you going to wait with him?” AJ asked.
“No.” I stated, showing no emotion. “He doesn’t want me there.” I said. She nodded and didn’t push further.
“What room is he in?” Pat asked.
“203.” I told him, causing him to get up and walk towards the hallways with the patients’ room. I sighed, not caring what he did at this point. I just really wanted to leave. I needed to get away. I remembered the ambulance ride and how short it was. That means the venue must not be too far away. I could probably walk it. I got up and looked at AJ.
“Will you let John know that I’m happy he’s okay?” I asked her. She nodded, a confused look on her face. I gave her a short nod and turned on my heel, walking towards the exit and making my way out of the hospital. I took out my phone and went to the built-in GPS. I was thankful that I decided to pay extra for it. I put in the venue and it gave me directions. I started down the path that it gave me and halfway there, I sat down on the curb, needing some time to think before I arrived back at the venue.
I hated how I was being. I wasn’t happy when John fought for me, and I wasn’t happy when he gave up. I thought that I knew what I wanted, but I guess I didn’t. There were very few things that I understood at this point. Did I want to be with John? That was the biggest question that I needed to answer. I knew that I loved him, but was I willing to forgive him and be with him? I had to decide soon, because I knew my window of getting back together was closing, if it wasn’t already closed. John seemed to hate me. He certainly didn’t seem apt to get back together, or even speak to me for that matter. I couldn’t blame him though. I could tell that my worlds really crushed him. I didn’t like the feeling; the feeling of hurting him. Maybe if I stopped hurting him, my own pain would go away. Maybe he’s the only one that can ease my aching heart. I sighed and got up, finishing the rest of my journey.