Listen To Your Heart

The next day when the bus arrived at the new venue, everyone got out to walk around and explore, but I decided to stay in and hang out for a bit. I was cleaning up my bunk and organizing my suitcase, which had become a mess, when I heard the front door open. I looked up from my bunk and saw John storming towards me. He looked angry but also really determined. I watched with wide eyes as he came up to me.
“You can’t do this to me Jamie!” He growled; thrusting his finger in my face.
“I-I- what?” I stuttered.
“You’re impossible! You’re hurt when I try and get you back. And then when I stop trying to get you back, you’re still hurt! What am I supposed to do Jamie! You’re killing me here. What do you want from me? I don’t know what to do anymore! I can’t keep going on like this!” He said flustered and frustrated.
“W-what are you talking about?” I asked him, shrinking away from him.
“Everyone is yelling at me because you’re moping around and apparently, it’s because of something I did. And the only thing I’ve done, is stop fawning over you, which is what you asked me to do! So what do you want from me?” He asked, his voice almost a yell. I knew he was upset, but I still hated that he was yelling at me.
“I… I don’t know.” I confess quietly. He sighed and ran his hands over his face.
“Don’t you realize how much easier our lives would be if you just took me back?” He asked.
“John-” I warned.
“No Jamie. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t want to lose you, but it’s looking like I have no choice. So this is it. One last time. Take me or leave me. I’m asking you for the last time to forgive me. After this, I give up. I’m done playing this damn game with you. So let’s hear it. You know that I love you; you know that I’m sorry, and you know that I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to make it up to you. So, Jamie, can you forgive me?” He asked, his tone slightly desperate. I looked at him with wide eyes, my mouth slightly ajar.
“Well I- I… don’t know.” I sighed, looking down. He sighed deeply and nodded.
“And I think that if you wanted to be with me, you would have at least tried to.” He said, his features hard. He looked at me once more before nodding to himself, and turning to leave.
“John, wait-” I started, reaching of for him.
“No Jamie!” He snapped, turning towards me. “If you don’t want me, that’s your choice. But I’m done now. We’re done now.” He said pointedly before turning back around and leaving that bus. I stared at the doorway that he exited for a minute, trying to comprehend what just what happened. He had given me a last chance to take him back and I didn’t take it. And then he said we were done. What did he mean? Could we not be friends? That’s what it sounded like. I now knew what he meant by saying he was about to lose me. But I guess I’m the one that let go, and I had lost him too. I sighed and sat down on my bed, placing my head in my hands, resting my elbows on my knees.
“Fuck.” I muttered. I sat in my bunk for and thought about everything that was happening in my life and how fucked up it all was. I tried to figure out why my life had become so complicated, and that I realized it was my own doing. My not forgiving John had started this whole mess and all my misery that came with it. Without him, life wasn’t quite as good.
Maybe I did need John.
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“Hey girl!” AJ came bounding towards me once I entered the venue. I just gave her a small, forced smile in response. “You alright?” She asked, giving me a worried look.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.” I sighed. “How was the drive? Did you and Pat have fun?” I asked, changing the subject.
“Yeah, we did! I made him watch The Notebook with me. But he didn’t put up much of a fight… and he seemed the like it. Should I be worried?” She asked, laughing lightly.
“Please, Pat’s a total sap. I’m sure he loves chick flicks. Don’t worry about it; unless he starts quoting them, then I’d worry.” I laughed.
“Oh god.” She laughed, linking arms with me and guiding me over to the crew, who were all talking in a group.
“Hey guys.” I smiled, greeting them. They greeted me back.
“Where have you been?” Morgan asked.
“Oh, I was just cleaning up and organizing my suitcase. Did you guys scope this place out?” I asked. They nodded.
“Yeah! I think over there is a good place for the AP table.” Sara said, pointing to one of the walls. I looked it over and nodded.
“Yeah, that seems fine. You guys can set up whenever you want. Are you guys all set?” I asked the boys. They nodded. “Alright, cool. How’s the next tour update video going, Gissy?” I asked.
“Oh, it’s good. I’ll finish it tomorrow with whatever footage I get today and post it.” She explained.
“Great. I guess we’re all good. You guys all know what you’re doing; I’ll leave you to it.” I smiled. They nodded and dispersed. Once they were gone, AJ turned to me.
“So while you were in the bus, I was talking to some of the guys from Mayday and there’s a party tonight. It’s someone’s birthday and everyone’s invited. You in?” She asked.
“Yeah, sure.” I shrugged. “Sounds fun.”
“Great! I’m gonna go talk to Pat about it. See ya later.” She grinned before skipping off. I sighed and started making my way backstage. A party would be nice; I was in desperate need of getting drunk.