Listen To Your Heart

“So, where to first?” John asked me as we got into his truck to go shopping.
“Hmm. Well, should we get decorations?” I asked.
“Maybe a few?” He said hesitantly.
“Yeah. I think so. Is they are party supply place around here?” I asked.
“Um… There’s one about a half an hour away.” He said.
“Well… if you’re willing to drive there, I don’t mind going that far.” I told him. He nodded.
“Yeah, it’s fine. I don’t mind.” He said, putting the car in reverse and pulling out of his parking spot. We drove in silence for a few minutes until I broke it.
“Do you have any music to listen to something?” I asked.
“Uh yeah. You can check the glove compartment. There are some CD’s in there. See if you like anything.” He said. I nodded and opened the glove compartment, rummaging through the pile of CD’s. I grabbed a Death Cab for Cutie one and popped in to his console, turning the volume up.
“Nice choice.” He commented.
“Thank you.” I smiled. I leaned back into the seat and kicked of my shoes, bringing my legs up and resting my feet on the dashboard. If we were going to be driving for a while, I might as well be comfortable. I saw John glance at me and smile. We drove in a comfortable silence for a while until he broke it.
“So um, since we have some time alone, maybe we should take this opportunity to talk.” He said hesitantly.
“Talk about what?” I asked.
“About us…”
“What about us?” I asked, playing dumb, not really wanting to ruin the good mood I was in.
“Well tour is fast approaching, and I don’t want it to be awkward between us or for either of us to be miserable.” He said.
“It doesn’t have to be awkward. We’re friends.” I stated.
“Yeah…” He said quietly, followed be a short silence. “Jamie, do you ever think we can be more than friends? That we’ll be able to go back to what we were?” He asked.
“I… I don’t know John.” I told him.
“Do I even have a chance of getting you back? Do you even still have feelings for me?” He begged. I looked out the window, hiding my face from him, afraid tears would sneak from my eyes.
“Of course I still have feelings for you John. They don’t just disappear.” I told him.
“Then what’s the problem? Why won’t you let me fix this?” He said.
“It’s more complicated than you know John. You just don’t understand. I’m not just being a stubborn bitch.” I told him.
“I never said you were, not that you don’t have the right to be. And if I don’t understand, why don’t you explain it to me?” He asked.
“Because I’m not ready to.” I told him.
“Alright. That’s fair enough.” He said. “What can I do to help you?”
“We can stop this conversation. That would help a ton.” I said.
“Fine. Consider it over.” He said, reaching his hand over and turning up the music. I sighed and crossed my arms, sagging lower in my seat. We sat quietly for the rest of the trip, just listening to the music flowing from his speakers, giving me plenty of time to think about everything. My train of thought was cut off by John parking. I slipped my shoes back on and hopped out of the car, waiting for John to catch up before entering the store.
“Alright. Where to start.” I muttered, looking around the store.
“Balloons.” John stated, pointing to the display of them.
“Oh, good call. Pat loves balloons.” I smiled before heading over to the display. We picked out a bunch of balloon, along with a banner, some noisemakers and a ridiculous party hat that we planned on forcing Pat to wear. Once we were finished, we checked out and headed back to John’s truck.
“Alright. Do you want to just head back home to the liquor store in town? They have snack food too.” John asked.
“Yeah, that’s fine.” I nodded. We drove back again in silence, aside from the music, leaving me tortured in my own thoughts. His words were replaying in my head. ‘Why don’t you explain it to me?’ Maybe I should. Maybe he had the right to know. Maybe it would help to talk about it. I sighed and rested my head against the window and closed my eyes. I felt the car come to a stop and opened my eyes, seeing the liquor store in front of me. John unbuckled his seatbelt and went to open his door, but I stopped him.
“Wait.” I said quickly. He looked over at me, confusion reading in his features.
“Yes?”
“I need to tell you something.” I said, undoing my seatbelt slowly and turning to face him.
“Alright.” He said, shifting his body slightly towards me. “What’s up?”
“Do you remember that night at the lake at the beginning of Warped? When you told me about your past?” I asked him.
“Of course I remember.”
“Well. You told me about your past, so I guess it’s only fair that I tell you about mine.” I said, looking at my hands.
“Oh. Okay…” He said, encouraging me to continue.
“Well there is a reason why I am unable to forgive you for… your indiscretion. And in reality, it has nothing to do with you.” I started. I took a shaky breath before continuing. “I’ve never told anyone this before. Not even Mary. So lets keep this between us, okay?” I asked, looking up at him. He nodded, looking concerned. I nodded to myself and continued. “During my senior year, I started dating this guy named Ryan. He was popular and funny and sweet and I fell hard for him. So when I found out he had cheated on me, I decided to take him back and give him another chance, because, well, I loved him. After I took him back, we continued dating, and I ended up losing my virginity to him. The day after we had sex, I found out that he had continued to cheat on me after I took him back and even slept with someone the night before we had sex. I was so embarrassed and ashamed and heartbroken. I obviously dumped him once I found out, but the damage was done. I spiraled into a deep depression for months but never told anyone what happened. I was too ashamed. After that day I promised myself that I would never ever forgive a guy that cheated on me, no matter how much I loved him. And as you know, I’m one to keep my promises.” I finished.
“I’m so sorry that happened to you Jamie.” John said sympathetically. “I will happily kick this Ryan guy’s ass if given the opportunity.”
“I know you would John. Thank you.” I said.
“But you do know that not all guys are like that, right? Some guys are complete tools, like Ryan, and then some guys… just fuck up sometimes.” He said.
“I know. I know. Can we not get into this whole forgiveness thing right now? I just wanted you to know, so that maybe you’d understand everything better. I’ve had enough emotional talks for one day. Let’s just finish shopping, okay?” I asked, looking at him with pleading eyes. He sighed lightly to himself and nodded, forcing a hint of a smile onto his face.
“Alright.” He told me and we both got out of the car and made our way into the store.