Who Wouldn't Want To Be Me

“No problem bud; see you out at the bus,” Jordan smiled, patting my shoulder as he walked past me and out to the away player’s lounge, probably to get some food before we went back to the hotel. I sighed, stripping out of my smelly equipment as quickly as possible and taking my dress pants and undershirt into the shower room with me and taking only four minutes to shower.

I’d told Becka that this pretending to be dating was too weird, and thankfully she’d agreed. Now while I’m sure Amy would get the whole breakup story from her by the end of the week, I didn’t know what else to do. It had been bothering me since my best friend had suggested it, and I just couldn’t stand it anymore.

But somehow relaying all of this to Jordan was going to be weird. He’d understand, that we were too good of friends and it was just too weird and wasn’t working out. He wouldn’t understand the underlying reason that I was just discovering.

That I was starting to have feelings for him.

It was absolutely ridiculous and stupid, because there was no way in hell I should be feeling this way, but somehow I was. Somehow I had started to see my huge, loveable best friend as a huge, loveable and attractive guy. More than once I’d tried telling myself that it was just being lonely and single for so long that was getting to me, and that it was because we were such good friends that I was confused into thinking this, but every time I saw him now I started to get butterflies and make an idiot out of myself trying to talk. Even when I had managed to get my head into full on guy mode I was struggling, something that had never happened to me before.

After I’d changed I hurried to where everybody was waiting, immediately getting on the bus and sitting in my seat. I didn’t really want to deal with the questions and concern right now, although I knew the guys were worried about the way I’d been acting the past couple of weeks. But my little epiphany was causing me a lot of stress, and left me no one to talk to about it. Becka would laugh, and just say she told me so, not helping my situation in the least. And I couldn’t tell any of the guys about it, obviously.

When we got to the hotel Jordan and I headed right upstairs, although a bunch of the guys were going to have a few drinks and spend some time in the bar downstairs. They had invited us along, but I declared I was tired after the game, and Jordan said the same, and for once we weren’t badgered about not celebrating with the team.

“So, what’s up?” he asked, and I sat down hard on the bed, letting out a long breath.
“I… I told Becka that this, us, in this way, wasn’t really working,” I mumbled, and heard him sit down on his bed just across from me.

“Shit, I’m sorry man. Just too weird?” he asked, and I nodded.

“Yeah. She’s my best friend you know, it’d be like dating the kid you grew up with, you know?”

“So like me dating Marc’s wife?” Jordan joked, and it helped; I chuckled a little bit trying to picture Lindsay having any kind of relationship with Jordan other than the familial one they had.

“Yeah, pretty much,”

“So… how’d she take it?” Jordan asked.

“She said she felt the same, but what if it’s awkward when we get back?” I asked, and heard him shift. I was too scared to look him in the eyes, just in case he saw the other reason I’d “broken up with” Becka.

“Then you can have the guest room at my place; easy as that,” he said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“Thanks Gronk,” I smiled, managing to look up at him, and seeing those beautiful blue eyes staring back. I almost blushed, looking down at my feet again. Moments later I felt his huge hand on my shoulder, his attempt at being comforting.

“It’s okay to need some help and support sometimes Cam. I know you’re used to going it alone and doing whatever it takes to get where and what you need, but I’m here for you. Don’t ever hesitate to ask; it doesn’t make anybody think any less of you,” he insisted, and I managed a chuckle.

“Thanks Jordan. You just have no idea how hard it is to need help sometimes,”

“I know it’s hard sometimes, but we’re all here for you, no matter what. Just remember that, all right?”

“Yeah, I’ll keep it in mind,” I assured him, and he chuckled.

“Good. Now do you wanna go downstairs and get something to drink?” he asked, but I shook my head.

“No, I’m not old enough, remember?” I grinned, and Jordan’s grin fell.

“Damnit, this really is becoming a problem you know,” he teased, and I laughed.

“I know, I know. You go; I’m just gonna go to sleep,” I ushered him, and after a few minutes he did, changing into a pair of jeans and taking off his suit jacket before heading downstairs.

Being alone for the first time in a while was different, but I took advantage of it; taking a long shower, enjoying the feel of the hot spray on my sore body. I stepped out of the shower to towel off, and realized just how much I’d lost myself since I’d joined the Penguins; gone were the slightly feminine curves I’d had at the end of last May, and instead I was left with a fairly angular frame. It was almost disappointing; I’d always had an athletic build, but you could tell I was a girl if I dressed like one. Now I wasn’t so sure, I’d been working so hard at building lean muscle on my body that my hips had narrowed and my chest was definitely flatter than it had been a few months ago. I let out a frustrated sigh, because as much as I wanted to fit in on the team now I was going to be worrying even more about my body.

I changed into my pajamas and crawled into bed, relaxing into the soft mattress and thick down quilt with ease. I closed my eyes and was asleep in moments; the game had been brutal and the fight I’d gotten into had sapped all of my energy.