Warning

“Look up.” I heard myself say, and the whole room suddenly became trained on Sidney’s light brown eyes as they moved up toward the ceiling. I was in the exam room, with Sid propped up on the bed and the two trainers and the team physician standing on the side watching my every movement. The doctor still didn’t trust me and the two trainers had no idea what to think—but I found myself incapable of caring. I was too busy concentrating on being professional, especially around him.

I shone my pen light at the ceiling. “Okay, now tell me if you feel any strain. Look left.” He did as told and I moved me pen again, watching his eyes. “Look right.” Once again, he followed my direction and didn’t speak up. “Alright.” I jotted some notes down in his chart.

I placed my hands on his head and gently touched the tops and sides of his head before going down to his neck. I tried to not think about last night, about him or Neal or the tequila. And I certainly couldn’t say anything to Sid—I momentarily found myself thanking the universe that Dr. Levin, Clarke and Gary were there. “Have you felt any bumps or lesions on your head or neck?” I asked and he shook his head no.

“Okay, have you had any symptoms reoccur within the passed two weeks or so?” I asked, looking at him. It was so difficult to try to stop caring about someone when they were your patient and your job was to care.

“No, none. I mean, I went running and doing minimal skating, so it’s not like I’ve been exerting myself.” He said to me and I nodded, writing down his words on the chart.

Gary looked up at me from his blackberry. “So…what do you think? The playoffs are right around the corner and we just need surgical clearance.”

“In my professional opinion? I think he shouldn’t be anywhere a game, especially not a playoff game.” I said, which drew everyone’s eyes to me.

“You’re kidding. I cleared him a week ago.” Dr. Levin spoke up and I tried not to roll my eyes. “What did your attending say?”

“Considering I just performed my exam and he wasn’t in the room? Nothing. But I doubt his opinion would differ from mine. Look, his ocular reaction time has improved but not near the level that was on his chart before—and the last time that was examined, beside post-hit, was two years ago after another hit. You’re really comfortable with sending him out there on the ice when he’s clearly not better? Because I’m not, and I will not give him the surgical clearance to do so.” I snapped back, placing the chart on the exam rooms counter.

“You’re a resident, you have no buss—“

“I’m also the primary surgeon on this case and you can’t send him without my clearance.” I looked over at Sidney, and I saw his mouth twitch like he was trying not to laugh. “Do you feel like you’re ready to get on the ice?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t had symptoms but I don’t think so. I mean, I can skate but I don’t think I can play like myself at 100 percent. Maybe 80.” He answered back, the hidden smile faded.

“Sid, 80 percent of you is better than most guys.” Levin said and I rolled my eyes.

“And if 80 percent of you gets hit again, you’re going to be a lot worse off. Don’t pressure him into getting back out there if he’s not ready, what’s wrong with you?”

“Dr. Anderson, there’s going to be a panel for the press about his condition. We’d like you to be there, answer any questions they may have.” Clarke interrupted Levin and I and my eyes went to Sid. He gave me a reassuring nod and I shrugged.

“I guess so, when is it?”

“Tomorrow at 11, after the morning skate.”

“And you can answer to the fans why their captain won’t be returning to the ice for playoffs.” I heard Levin say as he stepped out of the room, followed by Clarke and Gary. I looked at Sid, still feeling agitated.

“Aren’t you leaving too?” I asked, hearing the snap in my voice.

“I thought we could talk.” He answered back calmly and I closed the chart, pulling it to my chest.

“You couldn’t possibly have anything else to say, Sidney.”

“Why did you break up with Neal?”

“You’re kidding, right? Thank god I didn’t clear you because your brain obviously isn’t okay. “ I answered back, leaning against the counter of the exam room.

“Violet.” He answered back and I rolled my eyes, putting one hand inside the pocket of my whitecoat.

“Sid, I came to your door. I skipped a surgery for you. Why do you think I broke up with Neal?” I shook my head and stood straight. “Look, I don’t have anything else to say and clearly you don’t either, lets just leave it, okay?” I said and there was a moment of silence, neither of us saying anything.

“Thanks for not clearing me.” He said finally, breaking the quiet and I smiled a little.

“Any excuse to piss off Levin.” I said lightly and shrugged. “but really, don’t do anything unless you’re ready.” The snap in my voice was gone, replaced by a genuine tone and matching expression. He just looked at me with that same soft look and nodded.

“I want to get back, I just—“ he looked down for a moment before fixating his eyes back on me. “—if I rush into it, I know there’s going to be consequences and this is something I don’t want to screw up.” He said and I wasn’t sure whether he was talking about hockey or us. He gave me a quick smile before standing up and moving to the door, brushing passed me.

“Bye, Violet. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said before slipping into the hallway and out of the room. I leaned against the counter and exhaled heavily.

“Bye Sid.” I said in a whisper.