Kid A

Standing beside Thom as he dances on stage is majestic, the way his hips swing and his arms flail. Most people wouldn’t get into it like he does, but you can tell he means it and he loves it. And I do, too, twitching about and violently strumming my guitar. The crowd eats it up, and we feed off that, but isn’t that what live music is all about?
Usually I feel like the screams come out for Thom. Sometimes there’s the “I LOVE YOU JONNY!” coming from somewhere out there, but I never know how to react. It’s so weird. This person… They don’t even know me, but the excitement and the worship comes out, and then I remember that I guess I’ve felt that way about people I don’t know, too. People are always nicer when you don’t know them because you aren’t seeing their flaws. I guess that makes it really easy to love them, and it becomes real in its own right. There’s no harm done, at least.
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It’s always interesting after shows, because different setlists can just take it out of you. Most people don’t really think about all of the energy that goes into music, because it’s just background noise for them. I’m much for listening to music just to listen, but it doesn’t seem like that’s the popular opinion anymore. Sometimes that upsets me, but then I remember they could be leaving, or turning the radio off, so I guess we’re doing alright.
This certain one was interesting, because Thom seemed like he should’ve been burnt out or something, but he was just really calm. And he walked up to me and he kept sitting on my lap, it was nice. Everyone was just kind of okay with it, and then he’d cuddle up to me and we would all just sit quietly, soaking up the massive reality of what we had just done.
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We scheduled our tour to have a few breaks, a month at home before hitting the road again. It’s less stressful that way, and it’s nice to abuse the fact that we’re able to get away with it. Our first break was just beginning…
I couldn’t sleep, tossing and turning until the entire bed was torn apart. Something was wrong, and I wasn’t sure because I can’t sleep normally, but this time I felt different. I felt like something was going to happen and my life was going to get torn apart; it was something I couldn’t shake. So I got up.
Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to lay eyes on…
Thom.
Colin.
Couch.
Lips. Touching. Fondly.
Heart breaking. Cold. Unclear.
I took a deep breath. Thom looked up at me and giggled. “Sorry, we gots a little too drunk.”
I turned around and walked back into the room. No tears, not yet, I had composure to keep, situations to understand. Too drunk? It’s not an excuse. My own brother. There is no excuse, not ever.
All I could think to do was cry, but there was a time for that and it wasn’t now.
He didn’t even say sorry. Colin didn’t even say a thing. He just looked at me calmly, like he did nothing wrong at all.
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I felt my whole being cracking into pieces and I didn’t know what to do with myself or with Thom or about Colin or anyone. I couldn’t think and I just grabbed a photograph from some time ago of me and Thom together and I opened my door and threw it outside and then slammed it shut and the tears just came. What was happening? How? Why?
I kept crying but it was so bad that I wasn’t even sure I was feeling anything, maybe it was so overwhelming that I just shut down. I screamed.
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Thom must’ve heard me because a few minutes later there was a knock on my door and I just ignored it.
The sound went away for a minute; I took a breath and got dressed. I couldn’t do this, not here, not now, not anywhere ever.
I threw the door open and walked out, slamming it behind me. I didn’t know where I was going but it didn’t matter. I thought I saw tears in Thom’s eyes but I was trying so hard not to look at him. He followed me, and when I made it to my bicycle he grabbed me with tears running down his cheeks but still he said nothing. Nothing at all.
“Get off.” I said, evenly. “Thom. Let go.”
He didn’t. I pushed him off. “I said let go, Thom.” I pried his fingers away and I ignored his tears, and maybe I shouldn’t have done it but I didn’t care. I got on my bicycle and I rode away as fast as I could and he just stood there, took a few steps and stumbled back to the door.
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The wind in my hair and the fresh air felt nice, even the early morning chill was relaxing. I didn’t think, or feel. Some sort of gaping hole was created in my chest and I just let it sit, untouched, unquestioned. Tears would fall sometimes but I ignored that, too.