What Do You Say When Your Heart's Not in It?

It had been two days since the whole incident with Alex, and it was Jacob’s last day on tour with me for a while.

“But mommy, I don’t wanna go home yet!” Jacob sobbed and I sighed as I pulled him into my arms. “I wanna see you perform some more.” He said sadly and I sighed as I pulled him closer to me.

“I know you do honey, but you have to go back home to see grandma for a few days. And you need to go to camp like you do every summer. You’ll be back in a few weeks.” I said with a soft smile and he sighed softly as he kissed my cheek.

“I love you, Mommy.” He said and I grinned widely as I kissed his cheek back.

“I love you too, baby boy. Now, lets get you ready for the campfire tonight.” I said as I picked him up and took him to the bunk area. I shuffled through his things as I collected his clothing piece by piece. “There you go honey, put those on.” I said and he did so quickly. As soon he was finished I smiled softly at him and grabbed his hand. “Come on baby.” I said as we walked to the front of the bus before walking down the stairs and towards the large campfire that was happening in the middle of a field where just band members where allowed. I sat down on a plank of wood where the rest of my band mates were. I hugged Alexis tightly as I sat down and Jacob went and sat on Charlie’s knee.

“I say we do some acoustic sing-a-longs.” Jack suggested with a wide grin as he sipped on his beer.

“I agree.” Alex added as he too took a sip of his own drink.

“Okay then, you first boys.” Taylor Jardine said from We Are The In Crowd, and Alex just smirked simply as Jack grabbed his guitar. Alex whispered a song to Jack and he smiled as he started playing.

“I said I'd never forget your face,
Vaulted away inside my head.
And memories never seem to fade,
You were the best part of my life, my last regret.

Now I've walked this line a thousand times before,
It hurts too much to bear.
For you, I'd tear out my own heart,
And write our names together.” He sang, and as he did so he stared at me the whole time. I gripped onto my wrist as he sang, the bracelet he bought me five years ago still wrapped around it. He seemed to see the piece of jewellery and smirked as he hung his head, continuing to sing.

“Your love is, the barrel of a gun.
So tell me, am I on the right end?
I could be nothing but a memory to you,
Don't let this memory fade away.” He sang, still looking into my eyes. I smiled as I giggled softly to myself. Jacob looked at me from his place on Charlie’s knee. I held open my arms and he climbed off the guitarists knee, instantly coming over to me and sitting down on my lap. He fiddled with the bracelet on my wrist and I saw Alex smile as he continued.

“And in the end, we're turning on and off again.
There's a look in your eye,
And it's screaming "goodbye"
I'd hate to watch you cry..” He whispered the last part as he looked up yet again into my eyes. He finished off the song and mouthed ‘sorry’ to me, I simply shrugged in return with a smile.

“I pick Ruby next.” Alex said as he pointed to me and I shrugged softly as I placed Jacob down on the wooden bench next to me, kissing his forehead.

“Since we’re doing meaningful songs.. Here’s to my best friend I met him when I moved away from Maryland.. He died of cancer a few months ago. This covers for him.” I said, Carlie and Lucas started playing together and I sighed as I got ready to sing.

“The sun comes up and you are all over my mind.
You're in my brain before I can open my eyes.
As I go on without you,
My heartbeat wont slow down,
I need you back like I need air to breath this out.” I sang as I closed my eyes, imagining him.

“All I can do is keep you closer now.
'Cause I know your somewhere out there looking down.
Wherever you are, (Wherever you are)
I hope you can see me smiling.” I looked up at Alex who gave me a sympathetic look.

“The sky gets dark, I watch the water here at home.
It's 10 months now and I'm still learning to let go.
It's not the same without you,
There's no one keeping time,
You were the rhythm that was bringing us to life.” I said, changing the words slightly so it fit better with him. I missed him more and more each day that passed. I felt liquid rolling down my cheeks and knew instantly that I was crying. I finished off the song and everyone clapped as Alexis came over to my side, wrapping an arm around me as I cried into her shoulder. The crying subsided after a few moments and I just smiled as I wiped away the running make-up.

“I need to remembering for who he was, a happy soul. That’s what he’d want me to do.” I simply smiled and Alexis nodded in agreement.

“That’s all you can do babe.” she said as she pushed some hair out of my face.

“Thank you, Lexi.” I smiled and she just nodded before pulling something out from behind her back.

“Wanna roast marshmallows with me chick?” She asked and I just smiled softly before shaking my head softly.

“Would you be able to do it with Jacob though please? I need to go for a walk.” I said with a sigh and she nodded as she kissed my cheek softly.

“Course honey, be careful.” She smiled and I nodded before walking off from the group. I sighed as I walked through the vast amounts of grass and trees. I sighed into the night air as I pulled out a cigarette and my lighter, sparking it instantly. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around quickly to see Alex behind me. I had to catch my breath as the sudden touch startled me.

“Alex! Why did you follow me?” I asked and he just sighed as he shrugged.

“Mind if I have one?” He asked and I raised and eyebrow before passing him the packet and lighter. He pulled a cigarette from the packet much like I did before and sparked it up.

“Didn’t know you smoked, Gaskarth.” I said as I stood staring at the lake I’d happened to walk too.

“Ditto,” He said before taking a large drag. “I’m a social smoker usually, just when I’m stressed.” He said with a shrug of his shoulders as he sat down on the ground. I joined him shortly after, keeping a large yet comfortable distance between us.

“I’m a full time smoker, apart from when I’m in front of Jacob. I can’t in front of him.” I explained and he just nodded along, taking another large drag and taking it back before blowing out the smoke.

“Why did you drop the bombshell on me like that, Ruby? Couldn’t you have told me in fucking person?” He asked, pain and anger spilling out in his words. Here we go.. I thought to myself, I knew this conversation would come up sooner or later. I would just have preferred it to have been later. I sighed softly as I moved even further away.

“You wouldn’t fucking listen to me, you were an arsehole since you found out! You certainly wouldn’t listen if I said I was raped.” I said as I took the last drag of the cigarette before stubbing it out on the ground. He was about to say something but I cut him off by standing up. “I can’t be doing with this shit.” I said as I started to walk off, I stopped as he shouted back at me.

“Running away from your problems isn’t going to solve them. Ruby!” He exclaimed and I just chuckled coldly as I walked up to him.

“I don’t want to fucking solve them, Alex. I learnt five years ago, your not worth my time.” I seethed before turning on my heels and walking away, leaving an astonished Alex stood there.