This is the Calm Before the Storm

When josh was singing his eyes never left mine, it was almost as if he was looking into my mind. It was mesmerising and hard to look away. I did what he said and I listened to the words.

“If it hurts this much,
then it much be love,
and it’s a lottery,
I can't wait to draw your name.
Oh I’m trying to get to you,
but time isn't on my side,
the truths the worst I could do,
and I guess that I have lied.”

Stella now appeared through the crowd, smiling that stupid cocky smile that seemed to be permanently fixated on her face. Josh carried on singing, his eyes never leaving mine, and I could see Stella becoming agitated in the corner of my eye because josh hadn’t paid her any attention yet. She followed his gaze and when she saw me, turned on her heal and marched off.

“That night I slept,
on your side of the bed so,
it was ready when you got home,
we're like noughts and crosses in that
opposites always attract.”

Josh really did have one of the most beautiful voices I had ever heard. I know im probably a bit bias but even so, it was like perfection. And he was singing to me? It was like every girls dream and I could see everyone looking at me, catching on to the fact that he was singing every word to me.

“You always have your way,
for now it to soon for you to say,
we will be always, always?”

The song ended and the place erupted into cheers. The crowd then dispersed and it was just me and Adam left. “You wanna go back to the kitchen?” he smiled and I nodded a small smile on my lips. There was no one in there again and he handed me a drink.

I was still on a high from the way josh was singing to me. It felt like we were the only two in the room and I urgently wanted to find him but then again Adam and I had been interrupted and I wanted to speak to him too. He was a sweet boy and really easy to talk to. I could see us becoming really great friends.

“So that was pretty intense” he comment and I just raised an eyebrow at him. “You used to go out with josh then yeah?”

“Yeah. He um finished with me about 2 months ago”

“He finished with you?” he asked with his eyebrows raised.

“Why do you look like you fond that hard to believe?”

“Well firstly the way he was looking at you and secondly, why the hell would anyone wanna break up with you. You’re absolutely stunning and as far I can tell you’ve got the personality to match. He must have something wrong going on up there” he said pointing to his head. I smiled lightly and finished off the rest of my drink and grabbed another. “I need a fag, you fancy coming outside and keeping me company?”

“Sure” I smiled and we headed off outside. There was a little wall outside that was just the right height for sitting on so that’s exactly what we did. We sat in silence mostly, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, it was… nice. He stamped out his cigarette and then looked at me.

“Damn el, your lips are blue, lets get inside” he said standing up and pulling me with him. The thing is though I didn’t want to go inside, I was perfectly happy out here with him, so I pulled him back.

“Wait, I um, im fine, I wanna stay out here, please” He looked at me like I had gone insane but nodded anyway before pulling off his hoody and placing it around my shoulders. “Thanks” I smiled, and then he led me back down to the wall and placed his arm around me.

I don’t know if it was the alcohol swimming through my veins or the fact I was slightly intoxicated from the smoke, but I leaned further into him and rested my head on his shoulder. He was so warm, and I felt safer than I had in a long time.

And that’s when we heard the shouting.

“How could you do that to me, and in front of everyone?”

“Well you weren’t even there for the first part”

“Yeah well now im not gonna be here at all”

“Really? Come on, tonight of all nights you decide to act more of a bitch than usual? don’t do this Stella”

“Goodbye josh”

And then we heard a door slam and footsteps coming towards us. I could feel Adam start to stir next to me, but I held him in place. Josh then appeared from the back gate and stopped.

“Hey Adam” I heard him say and I sat up a bit now, showing my face. “Oh um hey el” he said awkwardly and I just nodded. “Actually, Adam do you mind if I speak to el alone for a sec?”

“Shouldn’t you be asking me that?” I asked and I felt Adam chuckle next to me.

“I’ll be inside, come find me when you’re done yeah?” he whispered in my ear and then looked at my face. I nodded with a small smile on my lips. He kissed my cheek quickly and then went inside, his place being quickly taken by josh.

“So, you and Adam look cosy” he said bitterly.

“He’s just being nice to me cause im drunk” I managed to slur out and I heard him laugh lightly. “Did you want something?”

“I guess I just wanted to say sorry in person. I didn’t mean to put you though any of that, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Its ok josh, it’s um, it’s over now”

“Yeah. It’s over” he said and I swear ive never heard him sound so sad. I looked up into his big blue eyes and I could see the tears forming in them, but he quickly blinked and they were normal again.

“You um, you liked the song?”

“Yeah I did, it was amazing. Im guessing it was about me the way you were looking at me”

“Yeah kinda” he chuckled “Well they say heartache can sometimes give you the most inspiration. I guess that much is true” he said quietly. He then shrugged and looked over at me once more. “So I guess this is goodbye for a little while yeah?”

“Looks like it” I said and he stood up and pulled me with him.

“I’ll miss you el” he said whilst pulling me into his arms. I snaked my arms around his waist and held him as close as I could to me. His chin rested on my head and he held me back just as tight.

This would be the right time to tell him I miss him more than anything but the words didn’t want to come out. I mean what would happen if he didn’t feel the same anymore? Or he got pissed because I was changing my mind every 5 minutes?

He removed his head from on top of mine and placed a kiss on my forehead. “Bye el” he whispered before we removed ourselves from each other and he began to walk off. I suddenly had a surge of courage, or maybe it was just the alcohol talking, but I suddenly desperately needed to know something.

“Hey josh wait, can I um, can I ask you something?”

He stopped dead and turned to face me, his eyes slightly brighter. “Sure, ask away”

“Was it easy?”

“Was what easy?”

“Leaving me? Just walking away from me like I was nothing?”

Clearly josh hadn’t seen that one coming and he seemed to deflate a bit. I felt bad as soon as the words left my lips because it happened so long ago, but it still hurt. I thought he wasn’t going to answer so I sat back down on the wall, but he answered me anyway.

“No el it wasn’t easy. It was the hardest thing ive ever done. And the most stupid. Ive regretted it ever since the words left my mouth, but there’s nothing I can do to change it now” he said and then went inside.

I’d missed my chance, and all I wanted now was to go home. I stumbled inside, spotting Adam straight away. I shred his hoody and handed it to him telling him I would text needed to go and I would text him later. He nodded like he understood and then I went off in search of Nora and James who I hadn’t seen all night.

It took me a while but I found them. They were making out in the cupboard under the stairs. I pulled them out forcefully and I told them I wanted to go home. We left as quickly as we could and I was silent the whole way home. James walked me to my door because Nora was passed out in the back.

“You okay el? Did you speak to josh?”

”yeah but I didn’t say what I wanted to. Ive messed everything up” I said pulling my hair with frustration.

James untangled my fingers from my hair and placed my arms at my sides. “If I know you el, I’m sure you’ll work it out eventually” he smiled and kissed my cheek and then left.

There was only one way I could tell josh now and it seemed like the biggest cop out ever. There was no other way though so I pulled my phone out and began the longest text of my life.

I miss you.
And im not saying this because of the amount of alcohol in my system.
I really do miss you josh.
I even cried the other day cause James was wearing the same aftershave as you and it made me think of you.
I know I told you to leave me alone, but not talking to you is even harder then having you around.
Im sorry for what I said at Dans, it just kind of came out, I don’t know what I was thinking.
I guess Ive been so hurt that I wanted to know how you felt.
Im sorry I cant make up my mind, im just confused right now.
I feel like ive lost you for real this time, especially since Stella came into the picture.
The thing is you were my first love, and no matter how much you hurt me, I’ll never be over you. Im constantly comparing every guy to you, but none of them are the same. None of them are you.
I still love you; I don’t think I’ll ever stop.
Im sorry.
Love el x

As soon as I hit the send button it felt like a massive weight had fallen off of my shoulders. My head hit the pillow and I fell asleep instantly feeling better than I had since I couldn’t remember.

The next morning, well afternoon to be exact I woke up to see josh had replied. My heart was hammering in my chest and I felt sick to my stomach in fear of what he had said, but I opened it anyway.

Don’t be sorry, this mess is my fault entirely.
I love you and I miss you too, more than anything.
When I get back from tour we’ll sort this all out I promise.
Love josh x

It was like my world suddenly made sense again. I just and to wait four weeks and josh would be back and we could sort everything out. I just had to find a way to fill the gap between now and then, but let’s just say I was counting down the days.