Too Much of Anything

The droplets of water fell from above, splattering when they came in contact with my bare skin. My eyes were drawn to the tiled floor, and as condensation began to make the room steamier, I was lost once again within my own mind. I'd been doing this a lot recently, zoning out, thinking about a certain boy who was only in the room next door.

 It seemed unreal, after what had happened between us, I would never imagined him sleeping in my apartment. Although, circumstances have changed greatly. Alex has no recollection of the things he did, and that boy in there doesn't know what he did to me. How he made me fall for him so badly.

 If I told him out of the blue that we went out for a long while at the end of high school, this Alex probably wouldn't believe me. He'd say, "Only in your dreams, Barakat," with that smirk that had fit his so-called image so well. For some reason, I didn't want this Alex. Yes, he was the same person, of course he was. But my Alex was so different. 

I could sense inside me a feeling of doubt creeping back in, a question of: did Alex ever change his ways? I didn't know. For a while, I thought he only played me. I believed in that because that's what Zack always told me, I guess it made it worse that he had been a part of all this mess.

 Somehow though, when I saw him that day when he gave me that letter, and when I saw him once again singing his heart out on that stage, I imagined that he had changed. That five years without me had sculpted him into a better man. Now I felt like I'd never know. I had no clue when Alex would regain his memories. 

I sighed switching the shower off and stepping out, wrapping a towel around my waist. No one else was up yet, I'd decided to shower early because I was struggling to sleep anyway. All of this was making me think too much. 

And lately, I'd been succumbing to the idea of reading that letter. I saw it when I walked into my room the other night and it took as much self control not to pick it up and finally read it. At first, I felt like I owed it to Alex but something had stopped me. I just knew it would be a bad idea if I did read it. 

I shook my head, trying to forget about that again, even though I knew that I couldn't avoid it forever. I grabbed a t-shirt throwing it over my head and pulled on some jeans. Now fully clothed, I made my way out of my bathroom and decided to get something to eat due to my stomach complaining. 

Alex was still on the couch, as soon as I heard his gentle snoring my eyes were drawn to him. His chest was moving up and down, his eyelashes fluttering. I found myself walking towards him, staring down at him in a kind of trance-like way. 

He looked beautiful, he always did, even when he was sleeping. I scolded myself for thinking like this, but I couldn't deny that he still made me feel this way. My hand was now reaching out to him (as if it had a mind of its own) and my fingers were grazing Alex's cheek tenderly, making little patterns with my thumb. They travelled to his hair, flicking away strands which had fallen in front of his eyes. 

My heart seemed to be going at a ridiculous speed. But I couldn't stop myself. When was the last time I had ever touched Alex like this? Five whole years, and now I just couldn't get enough. He was pulling me in and he wasn't even awake to witness it. My hand which had been caressing Alex's face suddenly dropped to my sides with the sound of another person's footsteps behind me. 

"What are you doing?" Zack questioned as I turned around slowly to meet his scrutinising expression. 

I was fearing for my own life then and there. 

"I'm not doing anything," I lied, but I could tell that anything I said to Zack to cover up the truth would not work. He knew what I was doing, he just couldn't quite believe it. 

Zack was looking at me now almost as if he was disappointed in me, and I wasn't entirely surprised about this. However, I didn't want to start a fight with him, not when Alex could wake up any second. 

"Why can't you just take my advise? You're not making things any better for yourself. You need to move on, Jack. And letting Alex back in is not helping you," he lectured me. 

I couldn't take him doing this all the time, it was like he hated Alex more than I did and I just couldn't fathom why he was acting this way. His hatred was fine at one stage, but now it was bugging me and I really didn't like it at all. 

"I can't help it! Alex needs me right now, he doesn't remember anything, that must be fucking scary! Besides, you shouldn't be treating him like this, you seem to be more pissed at him than me," I spat, coming across angrier than I wanted. 

Zack narrowed his eyes at me, and I knew he was close to blowing up. I didn't want to deal with this right now, if he wasn't going to grow up then so be it. But all of this was ruining a good start to what had been a fine morning. 

"You're still in love with him, aren't you?" he asked bitterly. 

"Zack!" I exclaimed. My eyes widened looking back at Alex to make sure he was still asleep, thank god he was. 

Zack raised an eyebrow at my reaction. "Are you scared he'll hear it. Now that you've got the old Alex back, you don't want to let him go. Maybe this was all in his sick plan to begin with." 

I'd finally had it. This was a step too far, even for Zack. "Shut up!" I shouted at him, the words leaving my mouth before I could stop them, "Shut up and leave me alone, Zack. Go!" 

He seemed taken aback at my sudden outburst, his lips quivered as if he were on the edge of saying something back to me. He bit his lip, a saddened look overcoming his face as he nodded, before heading out of the apartment door. Of course, I felt bad. But this anger towards him was still sizzling inside of me. I didn't know how to deal with it. 

"So he really hates me, huh," Alex's voice made me jump. 

I started to panic inside my head with the knowledge of what he had just said, he couldn't possibly have heard all of that, right? He answered my question for me, "Why would he think I'd fake not remembering? That's just weird." 

A sigh of relief escaped my lips as I sat down on the couch as Alex moved up to let me in. 

"I don't know what I've done, but I must have really hurt you. From what I know right now, I still love you, man. And I hope I still do." His words soothed me, he didn't know the effect they'd have on me. Those words weren't a confession, I knew he didn't mean it like that. It was still good to hear it either way. 

I sighed for what felt like the hundredth time, my head dropping to Alex's awaiting shoulder. "I hope you still do too," I murmured under my breath. 

He looked at me, furrowing his eyebrows at me in a questioning way. "Jack, seriously, what could I have done to stop us from being friends? I just can't understand why I'd ever do that." 

I was on the same boat as he was. "I really don't know, Alex. Only you will know that." 

I really wish I could read Alex's mind. 

-

Zack didn't bother coming back for the rest of that day, and I really wondered whether he was going to finally give up on me. He probably ran back to Rian to complain about me, so I wouldn't be surprised if he was there at that moment. 

In some ways, I was thankful he had left. Even though I knew what I was doing wasn't good for me, I had Alex beside me. I had him laughing and smiling and smirking at me - almost like old times. Why wouldn't I want that? It was a guilty pleasure in all meanings of the phrase. I did feel unbelievably guilty, but that guilt was left as far back in my mind as possible. Alex wouldn't let me be distant with him anyhow, actually he was acting quite restless. 

After he had made me cook breakfast (now isn't that really like old times), he was staring at me expectantly and I know from experience what he wanted. 

"Can we go somewhere, Jacky? I'm so bored!" he asked, putting on that adorable pleading look. Of course, he didn't know how much that made me fall for him all over again. 

I chuckled silently to myself, pretending I hadn't heard what he just said. I could hear him trying to get my attention, but I thought this was a funny game to play. He folded his arms in irritation before suddenly grabbing at me and knocking me down to the carpeted floor. I don't think Alex knew how strong he was. 

He had knocked the wind out of me, but that wasn't the thing that made my whole skin come out in goosebumps. He was on top of me, hands on my arms, chest touching my chest, and well, you get the picture.

 I started to panic inside my head, seeing Alex this way - so close that I could feel his breath against my cheek - made a sudden want for him overcome me. I hadn't been this close with him in five years, but he was the only one who made me feel like my body was on fire. I was with Matt for a while, but he was never like Alex, nor could he compare to Alex. This boy was different, he was spectacular. 

After a moment of surprise on both parts, Alex crawled off of me, concern written all over his face. "I'm so sorry, Jack. I didn't hurt you, did I?" 

I wanted to pull him back towards me, my eyes were drawn to those lips while he talked and I wasn't concentrating on what he was saying. I couldn't do this, this Alex didn't even know he was capable of feeling that way. 

I jumped back up to my feet, staggering slightly at the sudden movement. "I'm fine, let's go out somewhere," I proposed.

He nodded at me, not being able to say much as I grabbed his arm, pulling him out of my apartment with me. I was probably acting weird, but luckily enough that little accident hadn't turned me on too much. Alex could tell I was being weird, I could see from the corner of my eye that calculating look trying to figure me out. I wish he'd stop it. 

I didn't really know where I was going, but my feet were leading the way and before I knew it, we were outside the nearest shopping centre. Alex's eyes lit up when he saw the guitar shop that Rian, Zack and I owned. He walked swiftly towards it pressing his face to the window to see the various different guitars. 

"Great, it's not open," he said, noticing the sign on the door, "Lazy dicks." 

I snorted. "Thanks for that." 

He turned towards me, a huge smile spread across his face. "You own this place?" he questioned again as I nodded in response. His grin only got wider. "That's amazing! Can we go in?" 

How could I say no to that expression on his face? I couldn't, it was impossible. I searched for the keys to the shop in my pocket finding them and chucking them towards Alex. He caught them easily, and jogged slowly to the door as he opened it. 

We walked in as the lights came on immediately, shining down on the instruments on show. Alex looked like he had wandered into another world, he was in awe of everything.

 He stood next to the wall of guitars and my mind took me back to the first time I had seen him after those five years. He had been standing there looking at the guitars longingly. I didn't know it was him at the time, but that's when everything changed once again. 

"I wonder what I do right now," the question was only intended to be rhetorical, but I heard it loud and clear. 

I knew one thing about his current life, even if that knowledge came from sheer coincidence. "I think you're a musician," I answered for him, "I saw you playing a gig at some stage." 

He looked happy with this response, because that's all Alex ever wanted to be. The eighteen year old Alex would be perfectly fine with a life like that. 

The look on his face suddenly changed. "I thought you said you didn't know anything about me now?" 

I shrugged, "That's only what I know about you." 

Alex frowned at me, not liking this response whatsoever. "That has to change, you obviously like my company, why would we ever want to go separate ways?"

He kept on asking questions like this, he couldn't understand it at all. I might have said the same thing if I had forgotten my memories like that. But what could I say to him? I didn't really know how to deal with him. 

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you what happened to us," I finally confessed, I really felt like an idiot for saying this. 

He clenched his fists, charging towards me until he was so close I could touch him. This was not good.

"Why? Why wouldn't I believe you? You are still my best friend, I'll believe anything you say to me!" His hands reached up and grasped my shirt. 

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. "Alex, are you crying?" 

He looked amazed at this himself. "I don't really know why, I just -" 

He wanted to know. What other way of telling him than this one?

I grabbed onto his hands, entwining our fingers as I leant forwards, placing a gentle kiss on his lips. The feeling was so nostalgic, but in some ways it was even better than that. 

I didn't know why I thought this would be a good idea, but now I craved more of it. He was struggling against me, his hands fighting free. I only kissed him harder, biting down onto his lip, my tongue exploring his mouth. I should have stopped, I know deep down that I should have. But once I started, I just couldn't get enough, Alex was like my addiction. 

I didn't have to stop though, Alex did that for me. He finally managed to move his hands forward as he pushed me away. The disconnection was driving me insane, but I calmed down when I saw his face. 

"What the hell was that?" he questioned, his voice almost inaudible. 

For some reason, I was hoping that maybe that kiss would awaken his missing memories. Nothing had changed. 

"I think I get it now. You're in love with me, aren't you?" he asked me, making me feel suddenly claustrophobic. 

"Yeah, I am," I answered with as much courage I could muster, "And it's all your fault." 

He seemed to be quite amazed by this answer. "How could that even happen?"

I really wanted to hit him around the head for that.