A Lifetime to Struggle

Unholy Confessions.

I sat on my bed, writing every single thought I had in the last month or two about Brian, in my journal. I wasn't one to write, but I figured if I wanted to get to the bottom of this, I had to read everything. I had to process every thought properly before I jumped into any conclusions.
I wrote everything down from day one. How I found myself seeing him as an attractive guy (Not that I never thought he was attractive.) To just now, and how I wanted him instead of Evan.
I took my time while taking it all in. I had way to much bottled up inside, and it felt nice to get it out. I felt pounds and pounds being lifted off my shoulders, allowing myself to breathe.
After I finished writing most things down, I set my journal aside, and stared up at the ceiling. I had posted pictures, and drawings up there, so when i'm in a moment like this, I can think of all the good thing's that has happened.
There were picture's of Jimmy and I, dancing together at a friend's wedding, Matt and I arm wrestling the night before I turned twenty one. I bet you could guess who won that one.
There was one of me holding Johnny in my arms, as he smiled a bit smile. He was really drunk that night. That was also the night Zacky broke his finger. Then there was one of Zacky and I holding a guitar in each hand, both of us trying to look more badass then the other. And of course, my favorite picture ever. It was Brian and I obviously. My arms wrapped around his neck, his arms wrapped around my torso, our cheeks pressed together, the both of us with huge smiles on our faces, our hair flying in the wind. That was such a good day...
I sucked in a shit load of air. I wish things could go back to normal. I wish nothing ever happened between us. I with we were best friends again. I want my old Brian back, I want my old life back.
But as we all know, the most important wishes we make, never come true. So we're stuck like this, for good.
For once, I didn't try and hold back my tears. I let them fall from my eyes, one by one. I cried for everything that night. The memories, the friendships, the hardships, everything a girl could cry for, I cried for it all.
Eventually, I found myself falling asleep.

"Can you ask your dad what the answer to the third equation is? I can't get it." I asked Danny over the phone.
She laughed. "Hey dad, what's the answer for number three on your pre-quiz final?" I heard her holler at her father.
"It's i'm-not-telling-you-because-I-know-that's-Harmony-on-the-phone." I heard him reply.
Danny and I both laughed. "There you have it." She stated.
"Thank's Mr. Martin," I said fully aware I was on speaker phone.
"You're welcome Miss. Sanders." He replied chuckling.
"I'll just skip that one then." I said to myself.
"So, I heard there's some shit going on between you and Brian.." Danny stated.
"Yeah," I agreed nodding, then realizing she couldn't see me.
"What's up?" she asked.
"It's a really long story. I'll explain it to you tomorrow."
"Alrighty. So that mean's we're still on for the girl's night then?" she asked.
"Of course. I really need to get out of this house anyways." I stated, closing up my book, feeling my brain begin to hurt.
I heard the door open, and then slam shut, while a girl was in a fit of laughter.
"Hey, can I call you back?" I asked.
"Yeah no problem." Danny said.
"Cool, Thanks. Bye." I said before hanging up.
I knew it was Brian, bringing yet another girl home. I wasn't going to approach him about my feelings just yet. I wanted them to sink in before I confronted him completely. I just wanted to let him know I was studying for a final and that I'd appreciate it if he'd keep it down a bit tonight.
"Hey Brian, I just wanted to let you know I---" I froze completely. There was no fucking way in hell he brought her here.
"Aw, Look! It's Harmony Harms Herself!" She said, smiling. "All grown up too."
I clenched my jaw, and glared at her.
"Kelsey." I replied. Ah yes. Kelsey Finder. High school's number one bitch. Cheerleader, party animal, and all around cunt bag. she made my life a living hell when I attended school. She's the reason I was know as 'Triple H' for the last three years of school.
I didn't want more then to just rip her throat out right here and right now.
"So what are you still doing here? Still need you're brother to protect you from the big bad people of the world?" She asked.
"No, i'm just here for school. What about you? Ran out of guy's to fuck back north?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest. I turned my hateful gaze to Brian, who was smirking at me.
"Ha ha, so funny." She rolled her heavily made up eyes, and turned to Brian.
"Can we get this show on the road? I'm starting to feel less excited." She whined to him.
"Yeah, just go up stairs, last door on your right. I'll be there in a bit." He replied.
She smiled at him, her overly glossed lips showing a horribly perfect smile, and then walked up the stairs. Brian and I waited til we heard the door shut, before we spoke to each other.
"What the hell is your problem?" Brian asked me viciously.
I gawked at him. "My problem?" I asked.
"I finally snatch up the girl I wanted so bad in high school, then you come in here and ruin it!" He exclaimed quietly.
"Ruin it? Brian she was being a bitch to me!" I retorted. "You only brought her here because you know I hate her!"
"I don't give two shits what you think about her! I'm looking for a good time, and that's what i'm gonna get! Or, I was until you came along !" He growled.
"All I was gonna do, was ask you to be a bit polite about your fucking pig ass ways, because unlike you, I'm still in school and I have a final to study for!" I stepped closer to him, ready to hit him if i had to.
"You know what Harmony? No fucking wonder you and your Dad didn't have a good relationship. You were probably always fucking everything up for him!"
At that moment, I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. No matter how bad thing's got, Brian knew to never go there. It was a place he promised to leave untouched.
Brian knew what he had just done. It was like the new Brian was suddenly replaced with the old one. But now thing's were far to bad to even fixed.
"H-Harm, I- I didn't--"
"Let me guess, You didn't mean it right?" I asked with a angry laugh. "If you didn't mean it, why did you say it huh? Obviously you were thinking it right?"
"Harmony, I swear I--" Brian reached out towards me, but i shoved him away from me.
"Don't fucking touch me." I growled.
Brian looked at me in shock.
"You know what Brian? For years, I took your shit. I pretended that every hurtful thing you've ever said to me, didn't effect me in any way. You know why I did that? Because I know how much of a good person you were. I never wanted to lose you as my friend. I guess I was wrong though. You bring home the girl you know I hate, and plan to fuck her brains out while i'm sitting down here, slowly failing the only thing I have left. You treat me like shit, and want to get rid of me, after all i've done for you? Fuck Brian, you've become the one thing you promised me you wouldn't. A rock star tool bag. But of course you wouldn't remember right? I'm not important to you anymore." I felt the tears leave my eyes. The burning sensation of what I thought was hate growing inside me. I only realized that, that 'hate' was pain. Pain of what was next to come.
"And to think that I fell in love with you Brian.." My voice was barely a whisper.
Brian looked up at me, his eye's wide and glossy.
"W-what?" He asked.
I nodded my head. " Yeah. But like you said, I'm pretty stupid. So congratulations, you finally get your wish. You wanted me gone, So here's me leaving."
I looked at Brian for two more seconds. His face completely filled with hurt, and regret.
But it was to late for me to turn back. I was already out the door, slamming it on my way.

♠ ♠ ♠

And there it is. The moment we've all been waiting for.