I'm Not Leaving Without You

I rolled my eyes and sipped at my lemonade, giggling. I was hanging out with Jimmy and he was running around screaming random things as we walked down Main Street. If anyone knew how to put a smile on my face, it was Jimmy. He was that one person who kept me sane. Jimmy was my anchor.

“Hey kid! Yeah, you! Can I have some of your ice cream?” screamed James at some youngster walking around with his father. The kid looked to be about nine or so, he was wearing some board shorts and some flip flops. His hair was blond just like his father’s; they both had pale blue eyes.

I smiled and looked at the dad. He was smiling at Jimmy, not knowing whether to laugh or just walk away with his kid. James’s request was weird but he looked really friendly so I understand the father’s confusion. I rolled my eyes and grabbed Jimmy’s arm, pulling him away and telling the father and son sorry.

“Quit scaring little kids, you freak.”

James just chuckled. That was just something he couldn’t do, he’s been scaring people for his entire life. I remember how he used to scare Zacky, it was so adorable. Jimmy used to intentionally scare people but now, it just sort of happens. Some people just don’t like him because the way he dresses or because of his bluntness and because how crazy he is. Only a handful can handle him.

“Becka don’t tell me how to live my life,” James warned in a joking matter. “Otherwise I will cut you!” He laughed out loud as we reached the pier. We started to walk with the crowd on the wooden surface over the water. The boardwalk was always something I enjoyed about Huntington Beach; I usually came on here when I needed to think. Plus Ruby’s is at the end!

I rolled my eyes and grabbed his hand. Jimmy’s skinny fingers intertwined with mine, in a nonromantic way of course. We hardly think of each other in such a manner; James and I are siblings. We just so happened to be separated at birth somehow. That man knows me inside and out better than anyone else on this planet, better than Zack!

“So how has Baker been?”

I sighed slightly as we continued to walk. “I’m not sure. We were talking about children the other day, again. But of course he shut down the idea, like he always has. I’m not sure I understand why. I feel like there’s more to the story then what he is telling me.” I cursed under my breath. “I swear, before we were dating he was way more willing to have a family with me.”

Jimmy nodded his head. “Well I understand both of your sides on this one. Zack is just nervous; you know he never really had a responsibility so this will be a big leap for him. His relationship didn’t count because he totally half-assed that. He just doesn’t want to fuck this up because he knows how important this is,” James explained to me. He is so wise, I swear. This is why he is everyone’s best friend.

“Yeah, I guess so. I get what you are saying. I guess I’m just being really impatient about it. I need to learn how to chill my dill,” I joked, laughing. Jimmy cracked a smile as he laughed with me.

“I know. You just want to have a little baby already. I know how you are. Plus Matt and Val having one isn’t helping you. You feel pressured to have on, don’t you? And that you need to get on it? You just want all of us to accept your relationship because of the terms of how you got together isn’t the most common way to start dating someone. We all accept you two and don’t hold any grudges, yet you feel like that.”

I nodded. This is a perfect example on how Sullivan knows me as if we share the same brain. He hit that dead on. I just feel like everyone thinks I’m some home-wrecking whore. I understand that they are all my friends but they were also Gena’s friend. I just want them to see that I actually do love Zack. It’s a very complicated situation.

“You shouldn’t be in a band, Jimmy. You should be a therapist!”

“Yeah right, how funny. With the way I dress and all these tattoos mixed with my personality? I will scare all of those innocent people half to death. Becka please, you are very crazy.”

I giggled as we reached Ruby’s. We walked in and went to the hostess. We told her it would only be for us two and she immediately sat us at a booth by the back window. I slid in one side and Jimmy opposite, the hostess gave us menus and we started to scan as she left us.

“Do you think I would make a good mother?” I asked Jimmy casually, after staring at the menu for a while. I saw him drop his menu from the corner of my eye. I pretended I didn’t notice.

“Becka of course you would! I know you would! Zack will also be a great father. I think any kid of yours will be a little bundle of joy. That kid will have the best parents ever and the best “uncles” ever too!” Jimmy did air quotes as he said uncles. I know he was referring to himself and the rest of the band. “I just think you need to wait until you know you are ready. I feel like you just want one but you aren’t too sure if you are ready to handle one, and that’s why you are asking me if you’d be a good mother.”

I nodded my head, Jimmy seriously knows me better than anyone else on this planet. He was hitting everything spot on. He also knows how to make me change my mind, which is weird because I am very stubborn. “I know. You’re right. I think I just want to have a perfect relationship with Zack and I think having a baby will help with that. But you’re right, I should wait.”

The waitress came and took our orders. Jimmy was hungry so he ordered fries, a burger, and a Cookies ‘N Cream shake. I only ordered a strawberry shake because I was too busy thinking about other things than eating.

My whole life has been a real shit ride and now it is finally going the right direction for once. I’m just afraid it is going to go back to that shittastic way it is used to. That’s something I don’t want because I’m not sure if I can handle it, at all. Zacky is my life now so I know if something takes a turn for the worst then I’m going to end up losing him. I cannot go through that, there’s no way I will make it out alive. I know that for a fact.

But I refuse to sink. I am going to make sure that doesn’t happen. Nor will I allow myself to think like that. My life is going really good because God is finally giving me something I deserve. He owes me. I have amazing friends and parents and an amazing boyfriend. Nothing can ruin that. So I need to stop thinking like that. Nothing could ruin my life again. I won’t allow it.