A Love Like War

I hadn't expected those four words to have such an impact on me. Nobody had every told me they loved me. I've never told anyone but my parents that I loved them. Even when I was with Lisa. She'd say "Love you," now and then, but she said it in such a way that anyone could tell that she didn't mean it, so I'd never bothered to say it back. But all in one day I told someone I loved her and she said it back and we both meant it and honestly, I was terrified.

As Kristin and I sat there in the silence following those four words, her head on my shoulder and the light scent of her vanilla perfume in the air around me, my head was racing. My thoughts were incoherent and I had no idea what I was feeling. I felt numb. I didn't know what to do now. I know that normally when two people tell each other that they love each other, they usually start going out or something. At least that's how it goes in movies. But when I thought about it--being in a serious relationship--I wanted to cringe.

All I could think about when I heard the word "relationship" was all the things that could go wrong. For one, I've never had a girlfriend that I didn't cheat on. I don't know why, I just can't be dating only one person. Then again, I've never cared too much about the girls I've dated. Kristin was different . . . I could never do that to her. If we were to date, I would want to make her as happy as possible. But what if I couldn't? What if I fucked up, just once, and lost her forever? After everything, if I cheated on her, she'd never speak to me again.

And another thing: What if she didn't even want to be with me?
I've heard in a lot of cases, you know, stories from people I know, that when someone says they love you, it's almost an automatic response to say it back. What if Kristin hadn't even meant it? What if she just said it so I'd feel better, less pathetic? What if I asked her out and she just completely rejected me, never talked to me again? Or worse, what if she said yes out of pity? If she said yes just so I wouldn't feel bad, she'd probably end up cheating on me, complaining about me to her friends, being annoyed with me all the time. We'd break up eventually and I'd find out she was just embarrassed of me the entire time. I would just be her biggest mistake.

The more I thought about it the more I regretted all of this. I couldn't be with her. I couldn't be around her. I had to leave.

"Hey, Kristin, I think I'm gonna just . . . go home. I think Matt needs some time to chill and everything can be settled then, yeah?" I said. Yeah, that was a good excuse.

"Oh, uh, okay," she replied, lifting her head off my shoulder. She scooted away from me on the floor a bit. I could tell she was upset that I was leaving after she said she loved me. Her eyes looked sad already. I looked away; I couldn't let her break me down again.

"Yeah. I'll talk to you later," I said as I stood up. Without looking at her again, I walked down the hallway and out the door to the lobby of the studio.

---

Later that night, I was lying in bed staring at the ceiling. My phone had been vibrating under my pillow for about an hour straight, so I eventually turned it off. It's not like I was going to answer it anyway. I had no idea if it was one of the guys or Kristin, but in all honesty, I didn't want to know.

I thought of Kristin sitting in her room with the phone pressed against her ear, looking worriedly at the floor, wondering why I wasn't answering. Maybe she thought I'd gotten in an accident on the way home. Maybe she thought I hated her. Maybe she was crying right now. Maybe I was making a huge mistake not asking her to be with me . . .

Then I thought of her out with her friends. Drinking, dancing with other guys. Not caring that a few hours ago she'd been kissing me. Maybe that hadn't mattered at all to her. Maybe it was just a weird day for her, that she'd get to tell stories about. "Hey, remember that one time I made out with the singer of All Time low?" Yeah, her friends would get a kick out of that.

I wasn't making a mistake. I was being smart about this.

Or at least that's what I was going to tell myself.