I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

John doesn't let me see how he reacts, because his face doesn't yield his emotions.

I start to worry, this tension starts building up in me.

For the longest time, he stares at me vacantly. As if he couldn't believe what he just heard from me, as if it was too unbelievable I'd said those words to him.

I find it impossible, too. But I wasn't expecting John to be this.. Absent about it.

I start to just pull away from him.

This was enough of a goodbye.

"Bye, John." I say and just start going my way.

"Iann." John calls the moment I turn my back on him.

"What," I mutter, feeling somehow letdown. I bet this is how John felt when I didn't reply immediately in the shower.

Something somewhere here, I think as I raise my hand to my chest. Fucking sank, or broke, or was set on fire.

"I love you." he says as he pulls me back. A smile then sprawls across his face, his eyes suddenly light up, and his arms wrap around my frame again. He pulls me into a kiss. Then he says it again. "I love you!"

Before I could even try saying it back again, he reiterates.

He kisses me over and over, mumbling a happy "I love you." in between pecks.

After a while, he gets tired of saying those words and just engulfs me in his hugs and kisses.

And then the hugs are dropped, and the kisses get sloppy..

Only somehow, this feels.. Good.

So fucking good.

Not that all the other times I was with John this way weren't good. Don't get me wrong, those times, they were mind-blowing.

But those times were hot.

Now it's just.. Warm.

I'll tell you something.

There's always this charge of lust between John and me, especially when we're this close. When we can't get enough of each other, there's always this short reciprocation of dirty words and seductive phrases and incoherent sentences we used to turn each other on.

But now, it's..

I don't know what it is. It isn't lust.

For once, for fucking once, it's not lust.

I feel like somehow, he's found a new drive. New motivation, if I could call it that.

This, what he's doing know.. It's not just to mess around with me, not just to play or toy with me..

I don't know.

It's like with each kiss he plants on my skin, I hear him say it over and over.. "I love you." As opposed to those times he'd gnawed on my neck or pinched my collar with his teeth.. All the meaningless sex, stupid low and raspy "I want you"s..

But the similarity is my inability to think straight.

All I know is I'm letting John do whatever the fuck he feels like doing. All I know is I'm entertaining whatever the fuck what John is doing makes me feel.

And I know, there is no lust involved in this moment.

It's almost like..

Passion.

I think that's what this could be. I have no idea what it feels like, this passion thing. But it's been described to me, I know what it could feel like, and maybe this is it.

His lips and the kisses and the jolts of electricity and his breath and my heartbeat and the tingling in my skin and the eye contact we're making.. No lust.

Though, I must admit, the fact that I know we shouldn't be this close to actually doing this in here, the fact that we could get caught any moment.. It brings about the only spark of lust between us.

"I love you." This time, I'm sure I really hear this.

"I love you too--"

"Guys, no sex in the studio booth!"

"Screw Jared," I joke, not letting myself pull away. I do, however, allow a glance to travel to Jared who is covering his eyes with his palms.

"No one ever really listens to Tim." John mumbles.

"Dani says you guys have to leave now." Jared continues, knowing that reminding me about Tim's rule wouldn't stop John. "Dani says it's time to go. Unless you've changed your mind--"

John stops himself dead and sets distance between us. Not a lot of distance, though. "She still hasn't changed her mind." he cuts Jared off. "Wait outside." he commands.

After Jared is gone, John looks me in the eye.

"I'm gonna miss you." he whispers.

"It's not like I'll be gone for too long,"

"Promise me you'll come back."

"John,"

"Iann, please? I need you by my side."

"John,"

"Promise me you'll be back. And I'll be right here."

I smile.

And he says it again. "I love you."

I've broken off him now and I'd started following Jared.

Once I'm a step away from really leaving this place, I look back and see John.

He's smiling, yes. But his eyes, they say a sad "I'll miss you." He blows me a kiss and mouths me an "I love you."

I mouth it back before walking out.

Jared has been waiting outside, obedient to John. When he sees me, he starts walking me back to the house.

He grabs my suitcase, and Dani's, for us and then starts leading me off to the van.

Out of nowhere, Pat and Dani join us.

Dani's crying.

"I'll get him to talk to you. Promise." Pat says. Then he vanishes again.

We're loading the suitcases onto the van now, and Jared has gotten in the driver's seat and started the car.

I crawl onto the cargo and wait for Dani and Pat.

Dani is standing outside the van, refusing to take her seat until Pat gets here.

"What happened?" I ask Jared.

"You said your goodbye to Garrett, right?"

"Yeah, it wasn't much."

"Well, Dani went to him after you went for John. Dani hasn't said a single word and Garrett started crying. And then Dani tried talking again but he just walked out on her."

"Oh," I laugh to myself as quietly as possible. Dani hates having people walk out on her. I think Garrett knows that!

Here Garrett comes, being dragged by Pat now.

Pat forces him still in front of Dani.

"I'm not leaving without saying goodbye to you." Dani almost raises her voice.

"Then don't leave at all!" Garrett, on the other hand, doesn't try to keep his voice down.

"Garrett,"

Pat's let go of Garrett and he remains in his spot.

"I'll be back." Dani, despite knowing Garrett is furious, slings her arms around his neck and hugs him. "I promise. I'll miss you. I'm sorry."

"Then what?" Garrett mumbles.

"I don't know. Maybe I'll be better."

"Or worse," Garrett scoffs.

"I love you. So much." Dani tells Garrett now. "So fucking much."

"You know I love you too."

"I have to go--"

"What about us?"

"We'll work it out when I get back."

"Promise?"

"Promise." Dani pulls back and presses her forehead against Garrett's, looking him in the eye. "And this won't even be goodbye."

"But you gotta say it."

"Good night, Garrett." Dani kisses his cheek, kind of like the way I did earlier this evening. After, she pulls away and joins me in the van.

Pat sits in the second row of seats as Dani and I settle.

Garrett reaches gets on the van for a second. He holds my face in his hands and gives me a nose kiss. "John told you to take care of yourself."

"How do you know that?"

"I know John and I know you, and I know what he could tell you. So I'm not telling you again." Garrett says quickly.

"Okay,"

"And you," Garrett moves to Dani. "I love you. So much. Very much." Then he gives her kiss on her forehead.

Dani holds his collar as he starts pulling off and kisses him.

"Good night." Garrett says to Dani. Then to Pat, he says "See you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow," Pat replies.

Garrett moves off before he convinces himself he could drive with us. He waves us off as we drive off.

In little time, she starts sobbing again.

"Did Kennedy pack you an inhaler?" I ask her.

She nods quietly.

"It's gonna be okay." I say and run my palm up and down her back to sooth her crying.

Dani nods, trusting my words though I know they're as hard to believe as they can get with all that's happening.

I drape my arm over her shoulders.

And she starts crying into me.

I don't say anything.

Neither does she.

She really could use the break.

And I'm gonna be here for her.