I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

I tried to think of something to reply with, anything to say back.

Believe me, I did.

But my mouth just stayed shut, even though I knew for myself that I had to say something, anything, back.

I mustered up more energy to press my wet body against his, than energy to just open my mouth and reply. So that's exactly how I used up my energy.

He had no idea what I was doing. But apparently, I hadn't a clue either.

Causing no arousal between the two of us, I started trailing kisses from his lips, down his jaw, around his neck, on his collar..

It took him a while to respond. Probably because that wasn't what he wanted from my mouth, kisses weren't the only things he wanted from my lips.

But he did. He did respond; By gently pulling me back up and rejoining our lips. It didn't take long before it turned into a tongue war, and before long, we'd realized what else we could do in that shower.

But before going too far, a knock on the door interrupted us.

I reluctantly broke off of John and waited to see who was waiting outside.

"I've gotta pee!"

"Ken." John and I muttered at the same time. We laughed at our unison quietly.

John closed the shower after and let me step out.

I took my towel, dried myself up a bit, then wrapped it around myself, deciding to just put some clothes on when I get to our bedroom. I fastened it by tucking the end over.

Then I used the other towel to start drying my hair. I smiled at John when I looked back before unlocking the door, kind of as a 'thank you.'

John smiled back.

I opened the door and saw Kennedy. Within a half-second, he had forgotten about having to pee and began an immediate interrogation. "Wasn't John just in there?"

"He still is." I answered.

"No, no, no, Tim said no sex in the bathrooms--"

"We didn't have sex." I muttered.

"Sorry, did I interrupt?" he asked in a jokingly sarcastic manner.

"Kind of." I half-joked. All jokes were half-meant anyway.

That was what happened after I took a shower.

No decent answer or reply to John.

I'm stupid, and I'm sorry if I am. But "I love you." is kind of hard to respond to, especially now that it's coming from John.

There are these things that have happened, that are bound to happen, between us that make me feel like.. Like.. Like I can say it back. But then there are my thoughts, the reality that.. That pretty much tells me I just can't.

After clearing my head, I headed out.

Pat had talked me and Dani into staying till the evening.

We're in the backseats of the van now, Dani and me.

Pat is driving, Jared's called shotgun.

It's the four of us.

Pat nicely asked us to help them do the groceries, and he even added that it could possibly be the least Dani could do before leaving.. Again.

Dani was more than willing to oblige. Really, she was. She went on for several minutes trying to point out that it was literally no trouble.

I guess she just wants to invest on making it up to Pat any way she can, knowing he is upset about her leaving, too.

We buy many things at the grocery, typical shit 5 grown men would need as they record an album. Majority of which, Pat and Jared start to carry to the car while they hand me and Dani lightweight loads.

As we're walking through the mall (it was the closest place with a grocery store), we pass by a shop of lights. Pat seems caught up with it, he literally just stops walking and stares at the lights in display.

"What?" I decide to ask Pat.

"Hold these for me." he says and hands me two full paper bags of groceries that I have to hug to my chest to prevent letting it go.

I don't mind it. But I do ask Jared. "What's up with him?"

Jared smiles, like he knows what's up. But he thinks it's of a degree in which we'd like it better if we found out ourselves.

Several minutes later, Pat walks out tucking some change, maybe, back into his wallet, holding a new paper bag in between his elbow and side.

"What'cha got there?" Dani asks.

"Nothing." Pat laughs. "Let's go." He bends down and forces all the bags in one trip to the car without asking either Dani or me to help him.

On the ride back to studio, Pat and Jared suggest that they drive us to the Eighty One Twenty Three office, since Dani knows how to get home from there. Of course, the office hadn't changed location since Dani first heard of it, nor has it changed location since I first heard of it..

It turns out, before tour, that's where Dani'd left her car..

Dani knew how to get from home to the office, and she knew how to get home from the office.

But Dani didn't know how to get from The Maine's current whereabouts to the office, all the more would she not know how to get home from here.

Maybe she was planning on relying on maps?

Anyhow, Jared put up a reasonable argument that it wasn't safe for just the two of us to be driving at night on our own. He said it was a pretty long drive back there, so he volunteered.

And Pat even said "Besides, Tim was hoping to speak with you two."

"We're back!" Pat and Jared call at the same time after letting themselves in.

"Guys?" Jared requests for a response again when we hear nothing in reply.

"Maybe they took naps?" Pat guesses. "Or maybe they're in the studio--"

"I'll check the rooms, you guys go fix the groceries," I say.

They agree to this and I start my quest.

I'm moving towards John's room when I realize the door was left slightly open.

"You don't understand, Ken--"

"What don't I understand, John?! You're in love with Iann,"

"But I shouldn't have told her I love her!"

"And why not?!"

"Because."

"Because what?!"

"Because it's true!" John spits. "Because I do love her, and now I'm pushing her away. She's leaving and I can't stop her and.. And.. I sounded like a fucking idiot, Kennedy."

"What did she say?"

"Nothing."

"What?!"

"She didn't say anything, Kennedy. I feel like such a fucking idiot."

"Did she think you even half as much meant it?"

"No. She is never going to take me seriously."

"What happened after you told her,"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I. Don't. Know. I have no idea what came over her but she just.. Moved in and.."

"John.."

"Kennedy, I'm scared as hell, I have no idea why.. Why.. Why it feels like this."

"Feels like what--"

"Feels like bull-fucking-shit, Kennedy! I've never felt this way before, Kennedy, and I'm scared as hell! I guess I didn't mean to say it though I did mean it.. But.. Fuck. When she moved in closer to me, and I realized that she didn't have anything to say.."

I decide to just peek in.

It almost hurts me when I see John, and all that hurt on his face.

"When I realized she wasn't going to say anything, something.. Somewhere here," John brings his hand up to his chest. "Something fucking sank, or broke, or was fucking set on fire.."

"Maybe it's your heart you're talking about,"

John is silenced by this.

Kennedy looks up worriedly at his best friend. He'd been on the bed, listening, while John expressed as he paced back and forth.

Then Kennedy concludes. "You really are in love with that girl."

"That girl?" John is suddenly enraged. "That girl?! Kennedy, her name is Riannon, and she is not just a girl, she is not just that girl, she's the most amazing girl I've.." He then lets his voice trail off, realizing he'd yelled at Kennedy. "I'm sorry.."

"It's okay, what are friends for, right?" Kennedy gets up. "Let's just get out of here before they come home with Jared."

I start to move backward when I bump into someone. I tried so hard not to but I let a scream escape my mouth.

I'm not a screamer. I guess it's just that I've been letting what I just heard from John sink in.. Those crazy unbelievable things. I can't believe he just talked about me like that..

"Garrett, what the hell?!" I mutter, trying to keep my voice down now.

"What was that?!" Kennedy and John question at the same time.

"Out of my way." I push Garrett aside.

Once I'm out of view, Kennedy and John had joined Garrett in the hall.

"Garrett?" John is surprised. "What the hell are you screaming like a girl about?"

"How much of a fucking idiot you are." Garrett humorously replies.

How long had he been there behind me?! Has he heard as much as I have?

"You fucking eavesdropper, if you hadn't been in your room crying, I would've asked you to stay here and listen to me too." John quietly says in a quite annoyed tone.

"Sorry for crying in my room," I can tell by his tone now that Garrett rolls his eyes.

"Garrett, I didn't mean--"

"Yeah. Whatever, guess it just doesn't matter who else hears the things you say--"

"Who else heard me?"

"I wasn't screaming like a girl." is all Garrett says. "Keep your doors closed, the entire house is prone to ghost-attacks."

As Garrett is treading off, he eyes me in my hiding place.

I decide to exit after this, too.

After a while, all events die down.

"Iann and I should get going." Dani says after she's done the dishes after dinner.

"Yeah," I agree.

The boys who had stayed at the dinner table though done eating, get up.

"Gonna miss you both!" Kennedy gives me and Dani a kiss on the forehead each.

Garrett remained seated, though. "Bye." he bitterly says.

Dani and I, though, are not satisfied.

I move to him first. I kiss his cheek. "I'll miss you."

"You'll be back in a week, right?" Garrett says, plotting Dani's plan onto me.

I just give him a half-smile, not coming up with any other or better way to say no in time.

I look at Kennedy. "Where's John? He didn't even eat his dinner."

"Check the studio booth," Pat tells me.

"Okay." I shrug, casually playing it cool and pretending that a goodbye to and from John doesn't matter to me so much right now.

When I do get to the studio booth, he is there, specifically by his temporary vocal haven.

I decide to just join him in there instead of hanging around the soundboard and mic.

"John, you missed dinner." I inform.

"No one called me--"

"I called you for dinner when you were in your bedroom."

"You were calling me? Sorry, didn't notice, I thought you weer just checking on me."

"John,"

"But hey, look what Pat got me today." John suddenly kind of excitedly says. He hands me a medium sized box.

"Fairy Lights," I read the label on the box out loud.

"I don't know why they call them that but I've wanted some of these for a while." John explains.

I open the box and take the lights out. I take the other plastic covering the network of lights off, too. I see that there's already an extension cord to plug these into.

So I set it up around his little booth and hang it up on the thin walls.

John holds my hand and helps me plug it in since it's dark. He says "You might electrocute yourself."

It's so stupid to say, but him holding my hand, him breathing down my neck, him mumbling that against my cheek, that was electric.

After we plug it in and turn it on, the vocal booth lights up.

The studio in itself was dim because John had left almost all lights off, but where we stood now.. "It's beautiful," I can't help but say.

"Yeah, you are." John says.

I look away from the lights and at him. It seems that so little light could form shadows that highlighted his features. And I think he's handsome in light. Wait till you see him like this.

He almost reluctantly puts his hands on my waist. And he starts humming this tune, that deems itself a bit familiar but I can't point it out.

I melt into him and soon his arms are around me, my eyes are buried in his shoulders.

"You're really leaving?" John breaks the silence that had started to dominate the moment between us.

"I'm really leaving." I answer.

"I don't know why I'm so upset. Sorry for acting weird."

"It's okay," I mumble. "I'm just really not so sure if I'm coming back."

"What are the chances?"

"If we're being honest," I sigh. "It's kind of forty-sixty."

"Not even fifty-fifty?"

"I'm messed up."

"And I can't ask you to stay?" he asks again.

"No. I have to.. Be there for Dani."

"I understand. Go on and take your time."

"Thank you for understanding."

"But can I ask you something else?"

"Go ahead."

"Don't ever leave my mind."

I pull back and see that he's serious. He's saying this, he's asking this of me, in all seriousness. "That's up to you."

"Yeah, I guess it is.. So can I have a favor instead?"

"Sure."

"Come back. If I can't stop you from leaving, can I at least ask you to please come back? For me? For everyone."

"I can't promise you that." I say. "But chances are now seventy-thirty."

He grins at this. "I want you back, if that isn't obvious."

"It's pretty obvious." I giggle.

He hugs me again after I say "We probably have to get going now."

He steps back, puts his hands on my cheek, looks at me, into my eyes. "Take care of yourself, okay? I'm not gonna be there for you. Try not to move around so much when you're sleeping because I won't be there to hold you. And try not to make Dani mad, I won't be there to stop her from doing bad things to you."

I just nod at these things.

"And Iann, lay off the cigarettes. Okay? For me. Lay off the cigarettes."

I nod again.

"And try not to fall apart, or anything, because I won't be there for you to fall apart on. I care about you so much, Iann. Please take care of yourself."

"I will." I say.

"I love you." he mumbles into my lips after pulling me in. As he said this, it was like he'd forgotten being mad at himself, thinking of himself as an idiot earlier today.

When he lets me go, I put my hands by his jaw. I know this feels final for him.

It oddly feels final for me too, but I have a week to decide for myself if I'm coming back.

But for now, this is the last time I could be with John.

I know what I'm leaving him with, and I give it to him now: An innocent kiss. A sweet, simple, and innocent kiss on his lips.

He isn't a fucking idiot. He's amazing, and he's done so much for me, and he's funny, and loving, and caring. I've loved the time we've spent together, I've loved everything we've done. I've loved being with him. Not in that sense, I guess, but I've loved the company we've shared.

And I know what words I'm leaving him with, and I say it to him now: "I love you too."