Give Into Me

My fingernails might as well have been little nubs. I couldn’t sleep at all. The thought of what Ricky had written on the silver trimmed white board had kept me up. I look over to the little white digital clock blink 8:37 AM. I finally decided to get up. I dragged my feet to the wooden door and soon found myself staring once more at the white board hung up against the wall. I stood their mesmerized by our names joined together by a heart.

I opened the door met by Emily’s weirdly huge smile.

“Good, you’re up; we have your doctor’s appointment today, so get ready.” She jumped out of sight within seconds.

I walked down the hallway to the bathroom. My feet shriveled as each step they met with cold espresso stained hardwood floor.

After an hour or so, I was finally ready to go. We all, including Emily’s boyfriend CJ, entered the charcoal colored BMW. Ricky was driving with CJ in the front seat, as I was in the back with Emily.

“Are you nervous?” Emily half smiled while tracing the stitching along the black leather seats.

“Nervous about the appointment? No.” I said with a light giggle while my eyes wonder to the rear view mirror. I wasn’t nervous about the appointment, I was nervous about Ricky.

I quickly turned away as my eyes met his. A soft chuckle escaped Ricky’s full lips. He was amused by my childish behavior. I was acting like a little girl, being foolish knowing that she had a boy who liked her.

The thoughts in my head had consumed the time it took to arrive. I stepped out of the car, one crochet TOM at a time. I closed the car door, straightened my cream satin shirt, and proceeded with the others.

We entered through the automatic doors and soon found ourselves at the receptionist. I had followed them to wherever they were taking me.

We followed a short blonde haired nurse into a spacious room, where everyone, except me, sat comfortably on the black chairs placed along the wall. I, instead, sat on the lifted bed with butcher paper placed upon it.

I fidgeted with my newly bitten fingernails, trying to avoid Ricky’s gaze.

“Knock-knock!” The same short blonde haired nurse peaks her head into the door. “It’ll be about twenty minutes Ms. Lomali, the doctor has a mom a couple doors over, asking questions left and right.” She smiled and left the room.

We all nodded as she quickly left the room.

“Well, there is a Starbucks down in the lobby; I’ll be back in a few minutes.” She stood up as CJ proceeded behind her.

As soon as the door retracted, Ricky stood up in front of me. He towered before me as he stood between my dangling feet.

“Why are you so nervous? Is it being here, in the hospital?” He asked with a concerned look plastered on his gorgeous face.

“No.” I looked down afraid that I had been staring into his eyes far too long. Oh gosh, those beautiful golden hazel eyes that complimented his lengthy dark eyelashes.

“Then what is it?” He lifted my chin slowly with his big hands, searching my eyes.

“If I told you, you would probably laugh, it’s stupid and foolish of me anyways.” I stay still admiring his eyelashes as they batted against his cheeks.

“I think you should know being this close to you always makes me nervous.” The words sweetly left his mouth in a deep rich tone.

“I think you should know you make me nervous.” I say giving into his question.

“Question seventeen.” He smiles closing the space between us until our lips are nearly touching, our foreheads shoved upon one another.

“Shoot.” I respond smiling, though not clearly knowing why he would say “question seventeen”.

“Can I kiss you?” he says as he bats his eyelashes against mine.

“I thought you’d never ask.” I say smiling into a long passionate kiss.

Something was familiar about this. Something seemed right and wrong all at the same time. I pushed past the feeling and let my hands explore every strand of his hair. His hands stay glued to my cheeks as we continued.

After what seemed like hours, our passionate kiss had ended by the sudden knock on the door. Ricky had slowly backed off after kissing the tip of my nose. I patted down my hair as the doctor came in.

“Ms. Lomali!” He said as if he hadn’t seen me in ions. “How are you feeling today?” he says while looking through some papers attached together by a wooden clip board.

“Just fine.” I smiled.

Hell, I was more than fine.

“How’s that memory of yours, remember anything in particular yet?” he asked shoving his black framed glasses up his thin nose.

“Little I guess you could call it, flashbacks, here and there, but nothing clear yet.” I said biting down on my lip still tasting the cherry flavored Chap Stick I had seen him apply earlier.

“Well we must be careful once you obtain your memory, you see it can all back in a rush, little bits… i-it’s not clear yet. But of course memory can be obtained by watching a movie, listening to a certain conversation, a trigger word and or sentence maybe phrase. Anyways, I only say this as doctor to client sort of precaution, you must be careful now, your mind and what it learns is very tender right now.” He says quoting the word tender. “You never know what you might remember.” He said sneaking a cold look at Ricky causing Ricky to mouth the words ‘I know’ in response. What the hell?

I guess he didn’t know I was watching as the two exchanged emotionless stares.

“Were all done here today, I’ll see you next appointment Ms. Lomali.” He says with a smile, sneaks another death stare at Ricky then exits the room.

“What was with the ‘I’m going to kill you’ stares?” I ask sliding off the lifted bed making the butcher paper crinkle.

“Oh nothing.” He smiles then guides my waist towards the door. We exit the room. We both walk through the hallway until I feel it. Ricky’s rough yet soft big hands fit perfectly intertwined with mine.

Oh my fucking gosh, we’re holding fucking hands.

He gives my hand a slight squeeze before raising my hand in his and kissing the top of my knuckles.

Ricky had dropped off CJ before we all went home.

I ran upstairs to my room, ready to change into something comfy.

I slipped on Victoria secret shorts and a hoodie along with grey blue socks that met the middle of my shins.

I made my bed, deciding to tidy up the dirty room. I grabbed the empty water bottle and was about to throw it in the trash can when I remember there was a recycle bin downstairs.

I slowly walked down afraid of slipping down the marble stairs. Before I could reach the bottom of the spiral stair case I heard an exchange of violent whispers.

“You can’t just put things in her head like that Ricky! What happens when she remembers, huh? Have you told her about basketball camp? Did you tell her how your college basketball career is finally taking off? How about Dad returning, huh? How about how you and Rose being back together. Rose thinks you’re in fucking New York with dad? How are you going to explain that? Oh and here’s a big one, how about her mom eloping in Vegas to some rich guy? You just don’t think! Shit Ricky! Once she remembers everything before the fucking accident, karmas going to bite you right in the ass!” Emily storms off with the beat of her Laboutain’s against the marble floor.

“Stop feeding her this-this fucking romantic fairytale bullshit to her, it’s not right.” She stops as I hear the huge wooden doors open.

“And you think what your doing is right Emily? Pretending nothing ever fucking happened between the both of you!? How about you stop bullshitting yourself for once. Romantic fairytale bullshit my ass Em! What we have is real!” I hear Ricky raising his deep voice.

“What you two have is bullshit Ricky, how could you base a relationship off of lies?” I hear Emily.

“You should be asking yourself the same dam question.” He said coldly.

I hear the rest of Emily’s rhythmic beat of her Laboutain’s as she leaves the front door.

Seconds later I hear Ricky open and close the same door.

Rushes of images invade my mind as I slowly collapse against the firm railing of the stairs. And within seconds I remember what had happened. Everything connected piece by piece in my head. The lies fed to me soon became extinct. I knew what those death stares were about earlier. The doctor knew I wouldn’t go back to a peaceful mind full of beautiful memories. Instead I’d go through this painful transition back to being used and mother fucking abused by love and who I thought my best friend was.

I don’t know when I lost it.

1. I realized the truth
2. I agreed to this stupid trip

… if that wasn’t enough Ricky had taken whatever piece of heart I had left. He took it the moment I let guard down around him. Stupid me thinking we could get a long for a week. As mad as I wish could be, I couldn’t. how could I leave behind the two most important to me now. It wasn’t right what they did though. The question now remains, how could I leave behind the two people who were important to me?

The mere thought of leaving Ricky made me feel sick.

I sat on the bed contemplating my way out. I can’t stay here knowing the truth. I can’t stay here with Emily, but most importantly, how could I stay here with Ricky, thw constant reminder of the best nights of my life-without sex- how the hell was that possible!

I felt like crying my eyes out as I sat on the edge of the bed messing with the hem of my sweater.

I stood up walking over to my suitcase, slipping on some sweats and moccasins. I grabbed a post it and wrote

Mail my stuff to me or whatever.
Seems I’m worn out from being used a little too much Em.

I clenched my jaw trying to refrain from crying as I placed it on the white dresser below the silver trimmed white board.

I looked at our names once more and erased the entire board with my sleeve.

I grabbed the black dry erase marker and wrote as a single tear fell down my cheek and a silent sob began.

Question 16,

How could you do this to me?