My Heart Beats for the Monster in Disguise

My first identity, Misao Kanami: female high school student, age seventeen, refinement school attendee. My second identity, from 4 pm to 7, Xiao Hanabi: male student at the Iron Fingers Martial Arts Center. The split occurred about a month ago when my step-dad decided to punish me with refinement school. I took his money and paid for the doujo fee. They only take male students so here I am with a bound chest and pinned up hair. I’ve always been good with voices so I am pretty convincing. They call me a “pretty boy” though.

I love the feeling of getting stronger and there is such a supportive brotherhood here. Men of my age bond through martial arts and meditation. They’ve accepted me more as Xiao Hanabi more than anyone accepted me as Misao. But evaluations are coming up. If I am good enough, I will be allowed to study here by just contributing with chores. And any money step-dad gives me will be mine.

“Xiao, look alive.”

“Yes, sir.”

Meditation must be over. I stood up at attention in the line. Master Ross stared us down more critical than usual. He is a small old man but commands a lot of presence. His shiny head has always been distracting for me.

“For evaluations, I’ve brought in an outsider who will judge your skills. If you cannot pass his test then you’re out of here. And no amount of money will get you back in.”
The door slid open and it was as if a god was coming in. In stepped a tall, trim man in a suit. He was so handsome. His hair was slicked back and his face had such softness although his expression was harsh. I could tell I was blushing but I didn’t know how to get rid of it.

“State your names,” he shouted.

His voice commanded such authority with deepening intensity. He started down the line and I knew he’d be in front of me soon. But guys shouldn’t blush so I know I look suspicious.

“This is Li Tengu. You will call him Master Tengu with the same respect you show me,” Master Ross said.

His hard stature stood in front of me and I was intimidated and aroused. He is just so handsome. And he can’t be but a few years older. Underneath his suit is a mountain of abs and passion I bet. I stalled to find my manly voice.

“You’re so intimidating,” I spoke.

Why did I say that out loud? Master laid his foot hard on the floor to get my attention.

“Xiao Hanabi, sir,” I said.

He stayed in front of me. I think he noticed my flushed cheeks. He grabbed my left cheek and squeezed. It probably turned redder.

“You look like a girl,” he spoke. “You should drop out now.”

“No, sir, I won’t.”

He laid a punch to my face with tremendous force. I’m sure he expected me to dodge but instead I fell to the floor and blacked out.
* * *
“Xiao, are you okay?”

I sat up. I remember exactly what happened and I wish I didn’t. I can’t be seen as the weakest one here or I’ll be found out.

I stood up and wobbled to the Master’s office. Li and he were talking but I had to interrupt.

“You can go home, Xiao,” he told me.

“Li, what kind of tough guy are you? You lay a cheap shot on me like that.”

“Leave,” Master interrupted.

“If you were any good, you would have dodged,” Li said casually.

“I am a good fighter; I am just not a dirty fighter.”

Why am I talking to him like this? I’m gonna end up kicked out of this doujo or dead. But how can I explain this redness to my mom.

“Are you?” Li questioned me.

“I am. I’ll show you.”

“Go home, Xiao,” Master warned.

“No, I will fight him.”

He stood up and I was immediately scared. He walked pass me and sent all the others home. He stood in position in the middle of the training floor. I know I can’t back down but I don’t understand why I took it this far.

“Don’t call me anything other than Master Tengu,” he said.

I walked over and got positioned in front of him. I’ve studied here for only a month. He’s probably got years of training and experience. The best I can do is dodging. His eyes held so much hatred for me because of my disrespect. I wanted to take him on but his eyes intensified and with his first step I fell to my knees and bowed my head to him.

“Forgive me, Master Tengu.”

He lowered his stance. I’m so grateful he backed away. One sore face is enough I don’t want my whole body to be sore.

“You act like a girl. Go to the back and start cleaning.”

“Yes, sir.”

I don’t appreciate the girl comment. He’s really not someone I should antagonize; he’s shown he won’t allow it. He was off in the front with his phone.

In the back room I rinsed the showers and started on the floors. Master said the floors are the most important part since correct footing is necessary in these arts. As I was on my knees I was pushed down. His foot was on top of me.

“Get up!” he slammed at me.

I got back on my knees only to have him push me down again. I looked up and he was just staring at me.

“Keep at it, girl.”

“I’m not a girl!”

“Don’t talk back.”

He pushed me down again. I tried my best not to cry or get angry. He would punish me even more if I did.

“You think you can stand up to your master?”

“No, sir.”

He kept it up until I was finished. And then I was able to stand up.

“Get dressed so I can get out of here.”

“Yes, sir.”

I went to my locker. My body was sore and probably red. Master Ross never punished anyone like that before. It seems so cruel. I always kept on an undershirt to avoid suspicion. I turned my back to him just in case. It was coming close to 8 and I know mom was worried.

“Hanabi!” he yelled from the front.

It’s hard to move fast. I quickly put on my cap and went out to him. He locked the door and I wobbled to the street.

“Where are you going?”

The punishment has to be over. I can’t take anymore without crying.

“I was going-”

“Don’t talk back.”

He slapped the back of my head. Why are guys so rough with each other?

“You missed dinner. Come.”

“Come?”

He slapped me again. I don’t want to go anywhere with this guy. He’ll slap me the entire time.

“I have to get home-”

“Do what your master said.”

The punishment hasn’t ended. Probably he wants to poison me so I have to suffer all night vomiting. I headed to his car and sat down. It felt so nice to sit; I don’t think I can get up. The throbbing chest was enough to make me space out counting the aches. He started driving fast like he was trying to make me intimidated by his car. As sore as I felt, I wanted to stay still.

“Why are you in the doujo?” he asked me. “It’s not for pretty boys like you.”

“Stop calling me a pretty boy.”

“Don’t give me orders.”

He pushed my head against the window. I am really close to tears now.

“Do you go to school?”

“Yes, sir.”

“How old are you?”

“Sixteen.”

If I apologize to him, then maybe he’d go easy on me. It was wrong to challenge him and it hurts to pay for it this much.

“Master Tengu, I’m sorry for disrespecting you,” I told him. “I’ve learned my lesson.”

“It’s not about learning a lesson. I just don’t like you.”

“Why?”

“No one challenges me, not even the strongest of men dare to. But someone like you somehow has the nerve.”

“I backed down.”

“I would have respected you more if you didn’t.”

“I didn’t want to get my face messed up.”

“It might make you look less like a girl.”

“I’m not a girl,” I told him.

He pushed my head to the window. He is just so damn cruel. Challenging him will haunt me forever. He stopped at a fast food place.

“Stay here,” he told me.

While he was gone I tried to settle the rattling in my head. He is still handsome but his
cruelty is too much for me. He seems so young to be a real master; he must be gifted.

My phone is ringing. I looked out to see if he was coming then answered.

“Hello.”

“Misao, where are you?”

“Getting dinner at a fast food place.”“Are you alone?”

“I’m with a girl from school. I’m fine, mom.”

“I sent Nozomi to pick you up but he said it was closed. I was worried.”

Nozomi went looking for me? He hates me. He must have done it reluctantly.

“Come home soon. It’s too late for a girl to be out this late.”

“I know mom. I will be home soon.”

I hung up. I can’t blame her for worrying. I normally come right after Master Ross dismisses us. As I looked at my phone, I saw a text message from Nozomi.

“You should call home. Your mom is worried,” he wrote.

I am touched by his words although they don’t reflect his feelings towards me.

“I called her. I am fine,” I replied to him.

My step-brother doesn’t like me at all. My mom married his dad 6 months ago and he is nice to her but not to me. He seems to like having a mom around but not a sister. He never talks to me and often frowns at me.

“Here.”

The door opened. Master Tengu threw a bag at me. I guess this is his way of being nice. But I am suspicious.

“Thank you, Master Tengu.”

“Just eat.”

We sat in the car and ate. He didn’t talk to me. He was busy on his phone. Most men in suits do that.

“You won’t make it through evaluations. You need to back down.”

He didn’t look at me. He kept looking at his phone. At least have the decency to look at the face you mangled.

“I wanna be stronger. I can’t leave,” I explained.

“That doujo is a training facility for recruits of a very dangerous organization. You don’t need
to be involved.”

“Organization?”

“Yes, an organization specializing in silent violence.”

“Are you a part of that?”

“Yes, I am. And I don’t want you to be a part of it.”

“Why not just cut me at the evaluation?”

“Cause you might pass. I don’t pass on capabilities. I’m telling you to leave.”

He thinks I can pass. So I am a good fighter. But I don’t want to get involved in a syndicate or organization. I continued eating. I can’t believe he thinks I will pass; it’s flattery in a way. But I’m no killer.

“How can I get stronger if I quit?” I asked him.

“Not my problem.”

“Even if I leave the doujo, would you continue to train me?”

“No.”

I can decline if I do make it through evaluations. I want to see if I can get through it.

“Then I’m not leaving.”

“I will make you give up.”

“No! You won’t. By the end of evaluations, I will fight you and beat you. And I will not take
part in your organization.”

“You’re a foolish boy,” he said. “Get out.”

“I thought you’d take me home.”

“No.”

“But I don’t even know where I am.”

This is at night, I can’t wander around lost. I stared at him hoping he would change his
mind. The girl in me might be showing. He started the car and drove off.

“Where?” he asked.

“Bella Street.”

I would hate for him to figure out where I live. He would torment me there too. But in a way,
he is nice. He thinks I can pass evaluations and he gave me fair warning.

“Don’t mention what I told you.”

“I won’t.”

Instead of drinking the soda, I held it up to my face. I hope I don’t look too messed up. At Bella Street he stopped the car.

“Thank you for everything, Master Tengu. I look forward to training with you tomorrow.”

“Just get out.”

When I got out the car he drove off. With him gone, I took off my cap and unbound my chest. Being slammed against the floor made it unbearable.

When I got in the house, I saw Nozomi replied to me.

“You’re a burden,” he wrote.

I sent back a smiley face with the words, “I’m your burden now, so I am honored.”

When I was about to pass his room I heard his phone beep. I waited against wall before the crack in his door. We don’t text at all. I wanted to hear him grumble in disgust. But I heard a chuckle.

“Yes, you’re my burden now.”

Maybe he doesn’t hate me. He said that like he was happy. How can I get pass his room now. I might as well knock since I am here.

“Hello, Nozomi. Can I come in?”

“No.”

I poked my head in. His room is always so dark. He’s not the most pleasant chef I have seen. It’s an odd career choice then what he was trained for; he studied martial arts too.

“Well, I am coming in anyway. Can I talk to you?”

“What is it?”

I turned on the light and sat on his bed. He got up and moved away from me.

“I know you use to study martial arts. What were your masters like? Are they cruel people?”

“Why are you asking?”

I don’t dare share my secret with him. He would tell mom just to be mean. And plus I misused the money his dad gave me.

“Some girls at school were talking about how their boyfriends come home beaten after working at the doujo-with bruises and stuff.”

“Like that bruise you got on your face.”

Not a good idea to turn the light on. I don’t know how to explain this. I know it’s temporary but there is no hiding it now.

“Oh, this thing?” I stalled.

“Yes.”

“A fight at school, well more like an accident. Um, it was an accident when I bumped into
this girl and then it turned into a fight. She beat me up terribly.”

“I don’t believe you. Where did the bruise come from? When I went to your refinement
school, they said you were never registered.”

I should have kept walking.

“Are you gonna tell my mom?”

“Give me a reason not too. And what did you do with the 500 dollars?”

I don’t want to tell him. He might try to stop me.

“What can I do to make all this stop? I will do anything if you just forget it all.”

“I can’t be bought.”

“Please, Nozomi.”

“Where is the money and where did the bruise come from?”

“I won’t tell you!”

“Misao, is that you?”

Mom is awake. I stood up and greeted her in the hallway.

“Hey, Mom, it’s me. I made it home.”

“Why were you late?”

“Um, I was-”

“She was waiting at the restaurant for me after school, but she forgot that I didn’t work today,” he stepped in.

“Well why did you get fast food? You could have ate at the restaurant.”

“It was cheaper.”

“Oh, well, don’t worry me like that.”

“I won’t. Goodnight, mom.”

It was dark enough in the hallway where she didn’t see it. I can’t believe he covered for me.
I broke away from him and went to the kitchen. I just wish he would forget. I see mom saved dinner for me. But I should save it for my lunch tomorrow.

“You wanna keep so many secrets then we will have to make a little arrangement,” he said over my shoulder.

“What?”

“I’ll use you as a servant. No questions asked.”

This seems out of the ordinary for him. He normally doesn’t want to be around me.

“If you agree to that then I won’t inquire about where the money went, the bruises, the coming home late, and why you aren’t in refinement school. But don’t mistake that for me covering for you. I will not do that again.”

I stood up from the fridge. If I want to make it through evaluations I need to agree with him. I just don’t get why he would do this.

“I agree,” I told him. “What do I have to do?”

“I will tell you when I need you.”

I closed the fridge door and headed back to my room.

“Misao.”

“Yes.”

“I might like having you around now.”

How can I juggle having to do what Master Tengu and my step-brother say? All this just to get stronger. Well…they’ll be the first ones I’ll take down whenever it happens.