Secret

I was still shaken up over what Brent had asked me to do a few days ago. I told him I would divorce Daniel, but in reality, I still can’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t even realize how much control Daniel really had on my life until now. I’ve tried to bring myself to call a divorce lawyer, but the closest I’ve gotten to it is writing down the numbers of various lawyers in the area. Once it comes time to actually call, I get cold feet and bail.

Tori and I were on the couch, discussing all about her date with Jonathan, and debating the pros and cons of each boy that she wanted to be with when I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket. I pulled it out and glanced at caller I.D. It was Daniel. I thought about letting it go to voicemail, but I realized there’s no point, because my hiding place was no longer a secret.

“Hold on a sec Tor,” I excused myself before leaving the room.

“Hello?” I asked into the phone.

“Wow, you actually answered for once. I have to say, I’m impressed, Nat.” Daniel chuckled to himself. I immediately rolled my eyes.

“Yeah, whatever. Ignoring your calls isn’t going to make much of a difference anymore, is it? Anyways, what do you want?” I was being a bitch, but for some reason, I felt I needed to keep my guard up.

“I was calling to see if you would be willing to try to talk things out a bit more.” Daniel suggested to me.

“Well…I guess it couldn’t hurt. We have a few months of catching up to do anyways, don’t we?”

“Why, yes, we do.” Daniel agreed. “How about you come over for dinner at my place tonight?”

“Alright, what time?” I asked.

“How about seven? I can try my hand at cooking.” He let out a little laugh, knowing we both knew he was an awful chef.

“Dan, you and I both know the only thing you can cook is toast, and even then you burn it.” I laughed. “I’ll be over at six, and I’ll help you cook.”

“Alright, it’s a date.” He added. Date.

“Very funny. See you tonight.” I said before hanging up. Making my way back into the family room, I sat back on the couch next to Tori, who was reading a fashion magazine. Tori put the magazine away and shifted her body towards me.
“So…who was that?” She curiously asked.

“It was your brother.” I sighed.

“Really? And you answered his call? Wow. What was he calling about?” Tori sounded just as surprised as Daniel did.

“He wants to talk things over with me.” I answered.

“Is that so?” She asked. “When?”

“Tonight.” I replied.

“Tonight?” Tori asked, sounding a little surprised.

“Yeah.” I confirmed.

“Details.” She commanded.

”I’m going to his place at six to help him cook dinner, and then we are going to discuss the matter at our hands. It was originally going to be seven but I know he needs help in the kitchen.” I confessed.

“Dinner, eh? Sounds like a date.” Tori suggested.

“It is not a date.” I declared.

“I don’t know, Nat, it kind of seems like one to me.” Tori insisted.

“If it was a date, we wouldn’t be discussing about whether to divorce or not. We are simply figuring things out.” I stated.

“Whatever you say. Are you nervous?” Tori asked.

“Yeah. We haven’t had an actual conversation in months. I don’t even know what to say around him anymore.” I sighed.

“Do you think there’s a chance that you won’t divorce him?” Tori asked.

“I’m not sure. Whenever I’m close to making a decision, something always makes me change my mind. I wish I knew. For all Brent knows, Daniel and I are getting a divorce. It’s not that I’m lying to him, when I told him I would divorce Daniel, I had my mind made up to do it. But then I changed my mind. I just can’t decide.” I admitted. As much as I wanted to get the divorce over and done with, I would remember the little things, and it leaves me heartbroken all over again.

“As much as I want you to stay with my brother, he obviously fucked up big time. I guess the best advice I have for you is to do what you want. Follow your heart.” Tori advised me.

“Thanks Tori,” I smiled. “The question is, what am I supposed to do until I have to go to Dan’s? I don’t think I can stay cooped up in this apartment any longer.”

“How about you and I can go get mani-pedis? We haven’t done that in a while.” Tori suggested.

“That sounds perfect.” I agreed.

Tori and I spent the rest of the afternoon together, gossiping in the nail salon, and laughing over our college days. We talked all about the days when she and Kris were together; joking all about the goofy things Kris did, being so head-over-heels for Tori. By the time we left, my nails looked a lot better than they did before. I got a dark purple color on my toes, and a French on my fingers. Getting dressed for my “date” with Daniel, I looked in my closet, trying to find an outfit that looked put together, but didn’t look like I was dressing to impress. I finally decided on a simple outfit; dark brown khakis, a crème colored tee shirt, accessorized with a dream catcher necklace and tribal printed wedges. I left my wavy hair natural, and left my makeup on from earlier that day, only making the eye shadow slightly darker. After a quick examination of myself in the mirror, I walked into Tori’s room for her opinion.

“How do I look?” I asked.

“You look great. Have fun with my brother.” Tori winked. I rolled my eyes in return and grabbed my purse off the coffee table.

Getting into my car, I began to drive to the location Dan texted me. The place was only 10 minutes away from Tori’s apartment, and from the outside, it didn’t look too bad at all. Making my way to the appropriate apartment, I let my fist hover over the door for a moment, nervous to knock. After a few moments of hesitation, I tapped my knuckles on the door.



I spent most of the day pacing back and forth, nervous for tonight. This would be the first time I’ve truly seen Natalie since she left me. Sure, we saw each other a few days ago, but both of us were so angry with each other, it wasn’t like we were having a real conversation. I’m hoping that I can say the right things tonight, in order to win her forgiveness and have her come home, where she truly belongs: with me. Just when I thought I couldn’t wait any longer, I heard a knock on the door. Knowing it was Natalie; I instantly became even more nervous than I was before our first date. I took a deep breath before opening the door.

“Hi, Dan.” She somewhat smiled to me.

“Hey, Nat, how are you?” I asked, making polite small talk.

“I’m fine. And yourself?” She asked. She wasn’t acting like herself, and I knew exactly why. She looked tired, like she hadn’t slept in weeks, and when she spoke, she sounded broken. Normally she has this glow that radiates everywhere she goes, but she just wasn’t the same. It killed me to know I was the reason she was like this.

“I’ve been better, but I’m so glad to see you.” I answered. She only smiled in return.

Just then, our dog, Chief woke up from his nap. The minute he caught sight of Natalie, he ran over as fast as he could, excited to see her again. When Natalie saw Chief, a smile was instantly brought to her face, and she lit up a bit. Getting on her knees, she scratched Chief behind his ears and gave him a kiss. After a few minutes, the excitement died down a bit.

“He really missed you.” I said to her, offering a hand to help her up.

“I missed him, too.” She looked up to me, with a huge smile on her face. Once on her feet, she pulled me into a hug, and gave me a kiss on the cheek. It wasn’t a romantic kiss, it was just one of those kinds of kisses you would give to your uncle at Christmas.

“Well, should we get started with the cooking? I have a feeling this is going to take longer than usual.” Natalie let out a nervous laugh. As hard as we both tried, there was a feeling of awkwardness stuck in the air.

“Of course, right this way.” I led her into the kitchen.

We spent the next forty-five minutes cooking and listening to old records. We decided to make Penne Alla Caprese, a pasta dish with fresh mozzarella, basil, and tomatoes. To be honest, I managed to improve my cooking skills since Natalie left. I just pretended I still couldn’t cook so I could spend more time with her. Once we finished cooking, I set the table while Natalie started serving the pasta. I pulled a bottle of fine red wine out of the liquor cabinet, and grabbed two wine glasses and set them on the table, pouring a glass for each of us. After everything was set up, Natalie put the plates of food on the table, and I pulled a chair out for her. Once she was seated, I sat down myself.

“Well aren’t you the gentleman tonight.” Natalie observed, which made me blush slightly.

“I’m trying here, baby.” I responded. This time, it was Natalie’s turn to blush.

“Wow, We did a great job on this.” Natalie noted on our pasta.

“Yes we did.” I agreed with her.



We spent the rest of dinner making awkward small talk. When we were finished eating, we went back into the kitchen to clean up the mess, neither of us talking. Daniel decided to break the silence first.

“So, Natalie…Where do we stand?” Daniel asked me.

“I’m not sure, Daniel. I really don’t know. I wish I knew, but I don’t.” I sighed.

“Are you still seeing Brent?” Daniel curiously asked.

“Yes.” I quietly responded.

“God damn it, Natalie! Why are you doing this to me? You can’t start a new relationship if we’re still married!” Daniel exclaimed.

“We’re separated, Daniel. I can do what I want.” I firmly replied.

“You left me, and refused to even answer the phone, leaving me confused for months. That’s not separated. It’s childish.” He scolded me.

“I did it, okay? I can’t go back in time and un-date Brent, or have you un-sleep with some whore, or un-marry you! If I could, then I would but there’s nothing I can do. You hurt me, and I did whatever I could to get over you.” I avowed.

“You’re over me?” Daniel backtracked, stumbling over his words.

“No, Daniel, I’m not over you. I’m trying though.” I admitted.

“Why are you trying, Natalie, would you please just give us a second chance?” He begged.

“Daniel, I really don’t know what to do anymore. I want to give us a second chance, I really do, but I just don’t see it ending well.” I confessed.

“Natalie, we can make it work.” He insisted.

“That’s the thing. Can we? They always say, once a cheater, forever a cheater. You cheated on me, Daniel. I’m not sure if we can make it work anymore.” I replied, sounding slightly irritated, but also upset.

“Natalie, I know I did, and I wish I could take back what I did.” He tried to reason with me.

“Why did you do it?” I asked, turning to face him.

“Babe, I’ve tried to come up with a reason. I’ve spent countless nights trying to come up with a reason why. I don’t know why I did it. I really wish I could tell you.” He tried to grab my hand, but I pulled away.

“You just did it? So, you just kind of felt like it, huh? Forget the wife at home, forget about everything we had, all for a night of making some other girl’s daddy proud?” My tone became sour.

“Natalie, I was drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing, I’m so sorry, just please, listen to me. I wish it never happened, I wish I could take it back.”

“The best explanation you have is that you were drunk. How would you feel if I got drunk and slept with someone? Pretty bad, right?” I contorted.

“You did do that! You’re in a relationship with him right now too! Our anniversary is coming up soon, are you planning on celebrating by fucking your new guy?” He snapped at me.

“We are separated, It shouldn’t matter what I do on our anniversary!” I snapped right back.

“Natalie, please just listen to me, okay?” He started, but I cut him off before he could make excuses.

“No Daniel, listen to me. I put so much into our relationship. You were my everything. I loved you so much; I don’t even have words to explain it. We were the dream couple, whenever we would go on double dates with people they would always look at us in jealousy, because they wished that they had the bond you and I had. Every night you were on the road, I would spend it watching your games, hoping that you didn’t get hurt fighting. The night you were fucking some other girl, I’m sure I spent it worrying about you! Why would you ruin what we had? Was it something I did? Or did I just start to bore you all of a sudden? Is it that you don’t love me enough to resist the urge to sleep with other women? We had something so perfect, and you ruined it! It will never be the same! I love you so much, and you just went and crushed me!” I shouted, letting tears of frustration run down my face. I finally told Daniel how I really felt, after months of holding it in.

Daniel didn’t say anything. He just looked at the ground, with an expression of pain on his face. Eventually, he looked at me, his eyes meeting mine. With a sympathetic look, he walked over to me, placing a hand gently on my face, wiping tears away with his thumb. He pulled me into him, not saying anything. Wrapped tightly in his arms, I immediately began crying again, upset that the love of my life had crushed something so special. After some time, he pulled away, just enough so we were making eye contact.

“Natalie, I am so sorry. I wish I could take back what I did, or at the least, take away the pain you’re in. I love you so much, Nat. I wish I could tell you why I did what I did, I really do. It was a stupid mistake, but I truly believe we can fix this. I learned my lesson, Natalie. I learned that I can’t be so careless. I need to take control. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I won’t let you slip away without a fight. I will do anything for you. I know I ruined things, but I believe our love is stronger than our weaknesses. I am so sorry I broke your trust. You are worth more to me than some dumb college girl, and I won’t let my mistakes ruin us. I took you for granted, I never realized how much you mean to me until I lost you. I’m so sorry Natalie, please give me a second chance.” He begged to me, in a soft voice.

I thought for a moment, unsure of what to say. As much as I wanted to go back, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

“Daniel…I don’t know…” I let my voice trail off.

“Natalie, I know you, we’ve been married for almost three years now. I know how stubborn you can get. Just please, let your guard down this one time, please, just give in.” He continued to beg.

“Three years ago, when you proposed to me, if you knew that we were going to end up like this, would you still have done it?” I asked, curious to hear his response.

“Yes. I would have done it, because those happy times we’ve had would have never existed. I would have done it, because I would know how amazing you are, and I would know not to make the mistake I made. Natalie, this isn’t the end of us, just please, put some effort in to making us work.” He pleaded to me.

“I…I need to think…. I’m sorry.” I stumbled over my words.

“Okay.” Daniel agreed.

Walking to the door, Daniel and Chief both followed me. Turning to face Chief, I gave him a quick kiss on the head. He immediately began to whine. Now facing Daniel, I wasn’t sure of what to do. We stood facing each other for a moment, before he pulled me into a hug. Pulling back slightly, I looked Daniel in the eyes, before I leaned in to kiss him. He leaned in right away too, and instantly, I let the world fade away for a minute or two, enchanted by his kiss. Despite the circumstances, I still got butterflies when he held me close. Pulling away, I gave him a final kiss on the cheek, before leaving his apartment, left the face the most difficult decision of my life.