***ing Art Schools
I'm a confused, sexually active, wannabe writer.
Now I've never really known who I am. I always felt uncomfortable with myself never knowing who the fuck I am! I tried to be everything, lesbian, bi, straight, girly, tomboy. I have no idea. I settled finally after those fiascos, much to my parent's misfortune. I decided I was a transgender guy. Alyssa was now Ian.
The decision was simple, well, as simple as deciding your gender can be. That year was hell. To start off I had a pushy boyfriend who only pushed me for sex, and sex and more sex. We were only dating for 2 weeks and he was already trying to feel me up. He was my 1st boyfriend too. I was in 9th grade and I wasn't ready so I broke up with him. It broke both of our hearts and created an awkward afterparty for both of us, and everyone. We never talked. I missed him though. I missed his jokes, his quirky smile, his guitar solos, his cute style. I missed him the most though. Sometimes I wished I could turn time backwards and go back to that day where I broke up with him and well...un-breakup with him. But time travel doesn't work, does it? I was stuck in the present at that time. and To be honest, the present sucked.
I got up out of bed, my parents would ask some obserd chore of me, If I did it I was yelled at, if I didn't do it, I was yelled at. So I did it anyway. I would get driven to school, and before first period change my clothes in the bathroom. Basically showing as much skin as possible. I thought it was me. I didn't know who I was. I would sit through the whole day, moping and not talking to anyone. But I liked it, I liked being the loner, the weirdo, the emo kid. I don't know why I liked it, but I did.
Until one day, I saw this girl. Not just any girl. She was beautiful with black hair to her shoulders, deep brown eyes, striped fingerless gloves. I had to get to know her. I talked to her, and we hung out. Until she was the only one I ever thought about while goign to sleep. I didn't think of brandon anymore. I only thought of her. Her smile with her imperfect teeth, the way she would stand with her legs crossed and her arms folded when she was telling a personal story, and the way that she would look at me when I told one too.
It felt like she was penetrating my soul and she wanted to know me like I wanted to know her. I could feel her gaze piercing my heart, and shattering my soul. Every night I would lay in bed, thinking about her. My heartbeat could be felt throughout my whole body, I could even hear it in my ears. I layed there with my eyes closed and saw her in my mind. I saw myself kissing her perfectly shaped mouuth. I saw her hands roaming all over my back, gripping my skin. I felt her teeth nibbling on my shoulder blade, I saw her deep chocolate brown eyes. I saw them and I saw her knowing all of me. Wanting to know more
Until I would wake up and it would be school again. I got to see her again. I told her how I felt. She felt the same. It was the best moment of my life, or so I thought. We were in love. I drew her face on my hand, wrote her name on my thigh and talked about her nonstop. She was perfect and we were a beautiful couple. I was a self declared lesbian. I told all my friends I told everyone who would listen.
"I'm a lesbian"
Until those feelings came back. As soon as I told Brandon I was a lesbian he started talking to me again. Things weren't awkward anymore. We were just brandon and Alyssa, both liking girls and not liking eachother. I would text him a lot, while texting my girlfriend aswell.
But I found myself looking forward to Brandon's texts more. I didn't know what to do. I had already come out as a lesbian to everyone I had ever known, and here I was feeling butterflies in my stomach for a ...boy..
It was as if she knew what I was feeling. My girlfriend brokeup with me and I was a wreck. She wouldn't talk to me and didnt' even give a reason to breaking up with me. It was torture. I spent nights awake talking to brandon about this, and thankfully he listenened. He listened so well. We talked on the phone until my parents would barge in and steal it from me. We talked during school, texted during classes.
I was in love with him and I knew it.
I proclaimed myself as bisexual. That solved the issue didn't it? But no it didn't Brandon currently had a girlfriend, Katy. She was a beautiful blonde. Skinny, cute, but she was christian with the horrid purity ring. SHe was waiting til marriage to have sex. She would do everything except stick it in her you know what. Brandon felt as if she wasn't giving all of herself to him, and that she wasn't committed. At least that's what he told me.
We spent days after school in the Film and Tv Edit bays together. Sitting and "editing" while fondling eachother. One day we headed up to the stairwell and he was fondling me and I was moaning. I was shaking, his fingers, his bassist fingers....
Anyway. I felt guilty. I couldn't do it I couldn't be the other woman and just sit there and take it. I told Katy. She was a wreck she hit him, the argued, the screamed. But she forgave him.
I had no idea what to do. I thought for sure that they would break up but they didn't. I cried nights, I texted Ashley and Demie on what to do but I probably shouldn've done that. Because Demie showed all those texts to brandon. He still texted me, and we still stayed after school together.
I coudln't talk to him at school though. It was torture. I missed him I loved him. WE told eachother that we loved eachother and I was sure of it. He was my soulmate that I would spend forever with. I thought. He said he would never be with me as long as Katy was around. i broke down. I vowed to never speak to him again after the hurt he caused me. And I haven't ever spoken a word to him.
I found refuge in my friend Ashley. She was pretty, she was sweet, she was ...well...ashley. I started liking her. and I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't tell her and she will never know. But now I came out as trans*. I like myself now. I feel more of myself. I'm not pretending anymore. That year may have been a whirlwind but I think I'm okay now. I'm better now, and I'm more myself.
I'm in film and tv 2014 and I'm Ian. Happily trans*.
The decision was simple, well, as simple as deciding your gender can be. That year was hell. To start off I had a pushy boyfriend who only pushed me for sex, and sex and more sex. We were only dating for 2 weeks and he was already trying to feel me up. He was my 1st boyfriend too. I was in 9th grade and I wasn't ready so I broke up with him. It broke both of our hearts and created an awkward afterparty for both of us, and everyone. We never talked. I missed him though. I missed his jokes, his quirky smile, his guitar solos, his cute style. I missed him the most though. Sometimes I wished I could turn time backwards and go back to that day where I broke up with him and well...un-breakup with him. But time travel doesn't work, does it? I was stuck in the present at that time. and To be honest, the present sucked.
I got up out of bed, my parents would ask some obserd chore of me, If I did it I was yelled at, if I didn't do it, I was yelled at. So I did it anyway. I would get driven to school, and before first period change my clothes in the bathroom. Basically showing as much skin as possible. I thought it was me. I didn't know who I was. I would sit through the whole day, moping and not talking to anyone. But I liked it, I liked being the loner, the weirdo, the emo kid. I don't know why I liked it, but I did.
Until one day, I saw this girl. Not just any girl. She was beautiful with black hair to her shoulders, deep brown eyes, striped fingerless gloves. I had to get to know her. I talked to her, and we hung out. Until she was the only one I ever thought about while goign to sleep. I didn't think of brandon anymore. I only thought of her. Her smile with her imperfect teeth, the way she would stand with her legs crossed and her arms folded when she was telling a personal story, and the way that she would look at me when I told one too.
It felt like she was penetrating my soul and she wanted to know me like I wanted to know her. I could feel her gaze piercing my heart, and shattering my soul. Every night I would lay in bed, thinking about her. My heartbeat could be felt throughout my whole body, I could even hear it in my ears. I layed there with my eyes closed and saw her in my mind. I saw myself kissing her perfectly shaped mouuth. I saw her hands roaming all over my back, gripping my skin. I felt her teeth nibbling on my shoulder blade, I saw her deep chocolate brown eyes. I saw them and I saw her knowing all of me. Wanting to know more
Until I would wake up and it would be school again. I got to see her again. I told her how I felt. She felt the same. It was the best moment of my life, or so I thought. We were in love. I drew her face on my hand, wrote her name on my thigh and talked about her nonstop. She was perfect and we were a beautiful couple. I was a self declared lesbian. I told all my friends I told everyone who would listen.
"I'm a lesbian"
Until those feelings came back. As soon as I told Brandon I was a lesbian he started talking to me again. Things weren't awkward anymore. We were just brandon and Alyssa, both liking girls and not liking eachother. I would text him a lot, while texting my girlfriend aswell.
But I found myself looking forward to Brandon's texts more. I didn't know what to do. I had already come out as a lesbian to everyone I had ever known, and here I was feeling butterflies in my stomach for a ...boy..
It was as if she knew what I was feeling. My girlfriend brokeup with me and I was a wreck. She wouldn't talk to me and didnt' even give a reason to breaking up with me. It was torture. I spent nights awake talking to brandon about this, and thankfully he listenened. He listened so well. We talked on the phone until my parents would barge in and steal it from me. We talked during school, texted during classes.
I was in love with him and I knew it.
I proclaimed myself as bisexual. That solved the issue didn't it? But no it didn't Brandon currently had a girlfriend, Katy. She was a beautiful blonde. Skinny, cute, but she was christian with the horrid purity ring. SHe was waiting til marriage to have sex. She would do everything except stick it in her you know what. Brandon felt as if she wasn't giving all of herself to him, and that she wasn't committed. At least that's what he told me.
We spent days after school in the Film and Tv Edit bays together. Sitting and "editing" while fondling eachother. One day we headed up to the stairwell and he was fondling me and I was moaning. I was shaking, his fingers, his bassist fingers....
Anyway. I felt guilty. I couldn't do it I couldn't be the other woman and just sit there and take it. I told Katy. She was a wreck she hit him, the argued, the screamed. But she forgave him.
I had no idea what to do. I thought for sure that they would break up but they didn't. I cried nights, I texted Ashley and Demie on what to do but I probably shouldn've done that. Because Demie showed all those texts to brandon. He still texted me, and we still stayed after school together.
I coudln't talk to him at school though. It was torture. I missed him I loved him. WE told eachother that we loved eachother and I was sure of it. He was my soulmate that I would spend forever with. I thought. He said he would never be with me as long as Katy was around. i broke down. I vowed to never speak to him again after the hurt he caused me. And I haven't ever spoken a word to him.
I found refuge in my friend Ashley. She was pretty, she was sweet, she was ...well...ashley. I started liking her. and I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't tell her and she will never know. But now I came out as trans*. I like myself now. I feel more of myself. I'm not pretending anymore. That year may have been a whirlwind but I think I'm okay now. I'm better now, and I'm more myself.
I'm in film and tv 2014 and I'm Ian. Happily trans*.