Like a Crash the Whole Thing Spun Out of Control

Ever since I could remember, anything to do with the ocean fascinated me beyond comprehension. I could sit and gaze out at the waves as they rolled back and forth over the sand or rocks; I could sit and watch the fish in the tanks at the Aquarium. I suppose I liked them so much because they were free. They weren’t stuck on the ground, they were free to go anywhere and everywhere they pleased. Just liked I wanted to be. I wanted to be free.

Everything I owned showed signs of my infatuation for the sea. My bedroom was painted with blues and greens, I had every imaginable Sea Turtle soft toy, I had sea shells scattered around my dressers and I even had a massive Sea Turtle shell my Dad had found half buried in the sand by our beach house on Tybee Island, in Georgia.

The beach house on Tybee Island feels like a far-away memory now. We hadn’t gone in years, not since my Grandma died. My parents said they didn’t see the point in going, because we only ever really went to visit Grandma. They were thinking of selling it.

I loathed the idea. I despised the fact that they were so ready to sell the one place I thought I’d always have to remember my Grandma.

"Penny for your thoughts?" It was Garrett. Of course it was Garrett. His eyebrows were knitted together as he fell down onto the back step of his house beside me. He was worried about me, I could see it by the way his eyes looked at me.

“I’m not thinking about anything remotely interesting Garrett.” He pursed his lips and nodded his head. “What are you doing out here?” I asked, “it’s cold out.”

“I could ask you the same question,” he retorted with a small chuckle. “John just got back.” I nodded. It was the only thing I knew how to do when John O’Callaghan was bought up in any conversation these days.

“Yeah?” Garrett nodded.

“Yeah. He asked where you were…” He trailed off, not knowing how I was going to act or what I was going to say. “He misses you Harlow, and he’s sorry.” I shrugged and sent Garrett a small smile to cover up the fact that my eyes were threatening to water.

“I know.”

“Then why won’t you talk to him?” He asked, confused. I shrugged again and stood up.

“Because he hurt me Garrett,” I said simply, “I don’t wan- I can’t just simply forgive John O’Callaghan because I’m scared that he’ll let it happen again.” Garrett pursed his lips together and frowned.

"Let what happen again?" He wondered. He stared at me with those intense blue eyes of his, just waiting for me to let me guard down enough to let him in.

"I- Garrett, I don't want to talk about it." Garrett pursed his lips once more. I knew he was on the verge of telling me off but thankfully he left it alone.

“Understandable,” he replied. “Want to come back inside and finish the movie?”

I shook my head and dusted the dirt from the step off of the back of my jeans. I wasn’t going to stay and watch the movie, nor was I going to be hanging around with the guys as much as I had been while John was gone and Garrett seemed to know this.

“You don’t have to stop hanging out with us just because John’s back Harlow,” he sighed. “The guys and I all love you just as much as we love John.”

“I know Gare, but he’s one of your best friends, and I’m not going to deprive him of spending time with you and the boys just because I'm upset with him,” I told him, placing my hand on his warm cheek. “I’ll still see you all, I just wont be hanging out everyday like I have been.”

Garrett nodded and stood up too. We glanced at each other for a minute before he opened his arms and invited me in for a hug which I willingly accepted. I’d always loved Garrett Nickelsen’s hugs. They were always so warm.

“So I’ll see you later?” The question caught him off guard, making us both smile.

“I’ll come and see you tomorrow,” he replied. I nodded and took that as my cue to leave.

“Say bye to the boys for me. Tell them I had a family emergency and didn’t have any time to come in and say goodbye.” Garrett nodded and watched me walk around the back of his house in the direction of the gate that led to the back of my house.

“Bye Gare!”

“Bye Harlow!”



“I thought you were spending the afternoon with the boys and Garrett today?” My Mom asked when I stepped in through the back door. I shrugged off my coat and hung it up on the coat rack before I answered her.

“I was. But John showed up.” She frowned, just like she always did when I spoke of not wanting to see John. “So I came home.”

“Harlow, what happened between you and John?” She asked, taking her glasses off and setting them down on the table in front of her. “You used to be so close.” I shrugged.

“Things changed.” That was the answer I gave everyone when they asked what had happened between myself and John. I liked to keep the truth of what happened to my self. “People change Mom, John and I are just too different.” If only she knew.

It was only five in the afternoon, and the winter sun was still shining out so I decided to take my dog out for a walk. Walking always cleared my head and left me feeling so much better. I liked to think it was the fresh air.

Schnitzel started to jump around and bark as soon as he saw me grab his leash from the hook by the door.

“Come on Schnitz, walkies!” I cried loudly. He barked a couple of times and then sat down by my feet so that I could clip his lead on to his collar. “Just taking Schnitzel for a walk, we’ll be back soon.”

“Okay, have fun!”

The roads around Gilbert, Arizona were particularly quiet for a Saturday afternoon. Usually you would see the odd house party beginning or you’d see a bunch of teens walking down towards the other side of Page Park to drink and smoke weed in the bushes. Today however, neither of those were happening.

Schnitzel decided to start investigating as soon as I unclipped his leash. He ran immediately into the bushes barking as he sniffed around in search of the scent of a Rabbit. Instead of following him around like I usually did, I sat down under a tree and watched him bouncing around.

“Dude, I don’t know why you had to come down here to find her though…” I’d know that voice anywhere. It was Garrett.

“Garrett, fuck off.” Another enormously familiar voice replied. “Her Mom said she was down here somewhere.” I groaned and made a mental note to yell at my Mother about this later. “Look, there’s Schnitzel, she can’t be far.”

“I’m over here…” Their footsteps slowed to a stop. “Behind the big ass tree…” I sighed. I wasn’t going to move. If he wanted to talk to me, he could come to me. Suddenly they were whispering to one another.

“I still think this is a fucking bad idea John.” Garrett.

“Garrett! Fuck! I don't know what the fuck I did to make her mad! I need to know why I'm apologising.” John.

“She doesn’t want to see you, shit face!” Garrett. I snorted and a smile involuntarily appeared on my face. Nice insult Garrett. “She can hear us.”

“Well you aren’t being very quiet,” I laughed, “neither of you should get a job as a spy or whatever because you both seriously suck at sneaking.”

“Right,” John said. I could picture him with his lips in a thin line as he nodded his head. “Garrett, fuck off,” he whispered again. I heard them start scuffling as John tried to force Garrett to go away. A thump told me that one of them had fallen over. “Garrett!”

“Alright, alright!” Garrett exclaimed. “I’ll take Schnitzel over to the lake to chase the ducks…”

I watched Garrett walk away from where I was sitting, shaking bits of dirt and a couple of leaves from the ground from his arms and back, and then John was there, standing in front of me. His feet were just as unusually huge as I remembered, his legs were just as long, his body was just as skinny and strong, his face was just as striking and his hair was just as messy as the last time I’d seen him. This time however, his eyes weren’t as bright.

“Hey Harlow,” he smiled. “Can I sit?”

“Why ask when you’re just going to do it anyway?” He rolled his eyes and sat down, wrapping his long arms around his knees. “What do you want?” Being blunt with him was going to be the key to keeping myself together. I hoped.

“Why aren’t you talking to me?” He asked. I raised my eyebrows at him and choked out a laugh. “What?”

“How do you not know why I'm upset with you?” I asked. “I thought it’d be pretty fucking obvious.”

“I honestly don’t know Harlow, why are you mad at me?” I stared into his eyes for a couple of minutes, trying to intimidate him. He raised one perfect eyebrow at me. “You fucking suck at trying to intimidate people Harlow.”

“Stop saying my name.”

“Why?” He exclaimed, “I don’t know what the fuck I’ve done here, but whatever it is, I want to fix it!” The key was starting to dissolve as I watched him. He knew exactly what to say and do to get under my skin when I was upset. “Is it because I didn’t say goodbye when I left?” I shook my head. “What then?” It was then that I decided I was going to tell him. And I was going to hurt him when I did.

“Because you didn’t protect me.” John’s eyebrows furrowed together at my words. He was confused, and I guess he had a right to be. “You told me you would always protect me! You promised!” His frown deepened.

“Harlow, I don’t understand…”

“Of course you don’t!” I was yelling now. “Because you didn’t fucking care enough to stay by me, when I asked you to! I told you I had a bad feeling and you dismissed it like it was nothing!” My hands were shaking, so I scrunched them into fists.

“Are you talking about Moose’s party?” He asked. I nodded and bent my head down to start at the leaf ridden grass I was sitting on. “Harlow, what happened at Moose’s party?”

“You weren’t there, and you let it happen! I called out to you and you waved. You fucking waved at me!” The look on his face told me that he was trying to think. “You waved as Aaron Dawson dragged me up the stairs. You waved John!” Understanding suddenly dawned on his face. “You waved as Aaron Dawson dragged me upstairs and- and...” I stopped and took in a deep breath before I allowed myself to continue. "You weren't there to stop Aaron when he- he raped me."

“Excuse me?” He exclaimed, a look of alarm and anger suddenly appearing across his face. “What the fuck did you just say? Why the fuck didn’t you tell me Harlow?!”

“Because you didn’t listen when I told you I had a bad feeling, so why would I believe that you’d listen when I told you I was raped?” I asked bitterly. Suddenly I was wrapped in his arms and he was pulling me into his chest.

“Did you go to the doctor? Did you tell anyone?” I shook my head and he sighed. “Come on,” he said, standing up and pulling me with him.

“Where are we going?”

“We’re going to get Garrett, and he’s going to take you home while I go pay a visit to my dear old friend Aaron.” I was shaking my head before I even realised it. “I’m so fucking sorry Harlow. I’m so fucking sorry that I wasn’t there to protect you. I should have fucking been there!”

“Please don’t go over there John.” He gave me an exasperated look and shook his head. “John, please.”

“I can’t just let this go Harlow, I know you’re probably scared, but please let me go over there…”It took a while for me to agree because he was spot on, I was scared. What would happen if Aaron told John I was lying? It was far too late for me to get a rape-test done, so it was his word against mine.

“Okay.”

We found Garrett and Schnitzel sitting by the lake watching the ducks. Garrett was petting Schnitzels back happily while Schnitzel would wag his tail and whine happily up at Garrett every so often.

“Garrett, come on, we’re going,” John called out. Garrett stood up, turned to face us and nodded.

“So are you two good now?” He asked.

“Yeah, something like that,” John replied. He was angry I could tell by the way he clenched his jaw tightly together and the way he marched off towards home, dragging me along behind him. Garrett trailing along behind us.

“John, dude, I think you’re hurting her,” Garrett nodded at me.

“Right,” John nodded, dropping my hand. “Garrett, take Harlow home. I need to stop off somewhere on the way. I’ll meet you both back at Harlow’s.” Garrett and I nodded, not brave enough to say anything in case he blew up at us.

I picked Schnitzel up and we watched John marching across the grass towards Gilbert Elementary School, because Aaron lived across the road from it. Unconsciously, my right thumb ended up in my mouth so I could chew on the nail.

“Is uh, is he okay?” Garrett asked when John turned the corner. “He got over to that corner pretty fast…”

“I don’t know.” Was all I could reply with. “I hope so.”

Garrett nodded and wrapped one arm around my shoulder as we began to walk back towards our houses. Neither of us spoke, and for that I was grateful. I didn’t want to have to explain to Garrett what happened. Not yet at least.

“I hope he doesn’t do anything stupid,” I whispered to myself, quiet enough that Garrett couldn’t hear.