Like a Crash the Whole Thing Spun Out of Control

Garrett and I sat in my room silently, waiting for John to come back. While Garrett was sprawled out across my bed with his eyes closed, I was sitting on my window seat straining my eyes towards the corner for when John turned in.

“He won’t come any faster if you keep fucking staring,” Garrett sighed. I pretended that I couldn’t hear him, and continued watching. “Harlow, honestly, he’ll probably be ages and even then, what the fuck was he doing? Who was he going to s-“

“He’s coming!”He was walking fast and his face held a scowl I couldn’t miss, even from about a block away. He was rubbing the knuckles on his right hand with his left and I could slightly see a dark shadow surrounding his left eye. “And he’s hurt.” Garrett watched me rush from the room before slowly following me.

“The nerve that mother fucker had!” John seethed once he caught sight of me. “As if I couldn’t tell that he was lying with that stupid smirk! Fuck!” He walked right on past Garrett and I, and headed straight up towards my bedroom.

Garrett gave John a perplexed look. “John, dude, what the fuck happened?”

“Aaron happened!” John exclaimed and then winced when it opened a hidden cut on his lower lip. “Aaron fucking Dawson happened Garrett!” Even more confused, Garrett sat down on the end of my bed.

“Why were you fighting with Aaron Dawson?”

“Shut up Garrett.” I decided then that it was time for me to step forward.

“What happened John?” I questioned. John glanced at Garrett before looking back at me. “You can say, I’m sure Garrett will keep it a secret.”

“Keep what a secret?” John ignored him.

“I went over there and Mrs. Dawson answered the door,” he started, “so I asked her if Aaron was home, and she said ‘yeah he was' and went and got him. When he came to the door he tried to bro-hug me, and I was like ‘no dude, I’m here to beat the shit out of you’ and he was like ‘the fuck bro, why?'. So anyway, he came out and I cracked him right in the nose and told him why this was going down an-“

“What the fuck are you talking about John!” Garrett burst, “I’m so fucking confused right now!”

“Aaron raped Harlow at Moose’s party before I left,” John replied before turning back to conclude his explanation. “So anyway, he stood up and was like, fucking smirking an-“

“Hold the fuck up… What did you just say John?” John rolled his eyes.

“I said Garrett, that Aaron Dawson raped, that’s r-a-p-e-d our best girl Harlow here before I went to stay with my Grandma for a month.” Garrett’s mouth dropped open for a moment before it snapped closed and he stood up. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?”

“To pay that mother fucker another pleasant visit!” John shook his head. “Why not? Why should you get all the fun?”

“Because I’m bigger than you Gare,” he replied, “and plus, his Mom said if someone else picked a fight with her baby, she’d set the Dog on them…”

“Fuck off!” Garrett exclaimed angrily. “John you’re like a fucking stick, I’m bigger than you!” John scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Guys, shut the fuck up!” John held his hand up at me, all but saying to shut up while Garrett looked at me with an angry look. “Get your hand out of my face, John!”His hand dropped and he finally looked at me. “Seriously, leave it. Fuck Aaron, who even cares?” They both gave me an incredulous look.

“He fucking raped you Harlow!” John yelled, but not loud enough for my parents who were downstairs to hear. “Why the fuck don’t you care?”

“Because it happened John. It’s in the past and I can’t go back and change it, just like you can’t go back and protect me.” A look of guilt flashed across his face. “What’s done is done.” They both seemed to deflate then.



The next couple of days kind of went by in a haze. I basically just shut myself in my bedroom with Schnitzel and watched old horror movies from the eighties that I’d stolen from Garrett, and only leaving to use the bathroom or to get something to drink.

“Harlow, your Dad and I are going over to the Nickelsen’s for dinner, are you coming?” Mom had noticed my lack of a social life these past few days and was starting to get really annoying with her constant need to mother me into doing things.

“No thanks,” I called back. She didn’t reply, only made a strange humming sound before I heard her walk away.

Garrett Nickelsen:
Yo mom cooked your fave. Hurry yo ass up!

Garrett too, had been getting on my nerves since John had gone to see Aaron. He’d text me every so often and call and then text me again after his call went straight to voice mail. The only other person I expected to call but didn’t, was John. Not once did he call or text me.

Garrett Nickelsen:
Your seriously not coming over for moms homemade pizza?

A quiet knock at my door distracted me from my thoughts.

“What?” Whoever it was chuckled and pushed the door open without saying anything. “What are you doing here?” I asked, turning back to the TV as he shut the door behind him and came to sit beside me.

“Your Mom and Garrett told me you’ve been a hermit these last couple of days,” he said. I could feel him staring at me, trying to get me to look him in the eye. “Are you okay?” I shook my head. “Talk to me,” he smiled, “like we used to.”

“I’m still angry at you John.” He looked down with a defeated look across his face.

“I know Belle,” he sighed. I smiled a small smile at the use of my second middle name. The name John had always called me when we were being serious. “And I’m really sorry, I am, I should have protected you from Aaron and I didn’t. I want to go back to that night so bad, but I can’t. I thought you were waving at me and- I guess I thought you were teasing me because you had someone and I didn’t.”

“I would never, John.” He bowed his head.

“I know that now.”

“I’m still hurt.”

“I know.” John pushed his Van sneakers off and pulled his longs legs up onto the bed, crossed his arms over his stomach and began to watch the movie beside me. Somehow he knew that even though I pretended I wanted to be alone, I was fooling myself. I needed company. “What are we watching?”

“Saw.” From the corner of my eye, I saw him grimace. I knew the sight of blood instantly made him queasy.

“Fuck my life.”



“Harlow, you’ll probably be able to explain better!” Amelia called across the table. I was out having lunch with a few girls I’d known since high school. Amelia Wood was a girl I wouldn’t say I was hugely close with. I gave her a look that clearly said, ‘sorry, what,’ so she repeated herself. “I said that you would probably be able to explain it better!”

“Explain what better?” Amelia rolled her eyes and laughed.

“Why can’t singers eat dairy?” She laughed. “Because I know Nick can’t and neither can Brian… I’m not too sure about John. Can John eat dairy? Do you eat dairy?”

“Oh, right,” I nodded, “because dairy is thick and kinda flemmy, it sticks to your throat and vocal cords and makes it hard to move them. Nick and Brian get really flemmy, so do I and I’m pretty sure that John doesn’t and can eat just about everything.” The girls giggled.

“So is that why you three hate my creamy cheese soup!” Tessa Matthews exclaimed. Tessa was dating Jared Monaco, so I’d met her through Jared. I grimaced and nodded, which was a lie. Tessa was a terrible cook and her creamy cheese soup was her worst edible concoction. “Oh good, I thought it was my cooking!”The last girl in our small group, Emmy Jordan, gave me a funny look that made me crack a smile.

“You’re a great cook, Tess!” Amelia said seriously. Emmy kicked me under the table, so I threw her a look. “So when does this next tour start Harlow?”

“A week,” I replied. “This is our first tour that we don’t have to squash up in a van!”

“Yeah, Jared used to always complain about the van rides during tour,” Tessa nodded. “How are your boys feeling? Are they excited?”

“I think Caillen and Trent are excited beyond belief, but I thing Angus is kind of… Scared?” Emmy snorted. “Well, not scared exactly. Nervous?”

“I thought Angus was tough and strong and not afraid of anything?”

“Angus is a pansy little bitch,” I replied with a laugh. Tessa laughed loudly, Emmy snorted and Amelia giggled weather it was because she just felt like giggling or that she still had that high school crush on Angus White was beyond me.

By the time I was on my way home, the sun was starting to go down. I watched the school kids running around in the parks as I drove by them and saw Kennedy and Jared sitting out the front of Kennedy’s house as I drove past. They each waved when they heard the horn from my car.



My fingers felt at home these days when I stuck them down my throat. It was almost a sense of relief in the way that when the bile and little bits of food that came flaming up my throat, distracted me from my thoughts.

I’d been making myself throw up since the morning after the night with Aaron. I’d felt enormously disgusting and particularly filthy when I’d gotten home that I’d scrubbed my body over and over just to attempt to get the disgusting feeling that had taken over me body and soul.

The day after the party was the day that John had left to go and see his Grandma. So when I went to see him, and to tell him what had happened, when his parents told me that he, along with his younger brothers; Ross and Shane had gone, I was pulled up short. Not knowing what else to, I turned to making myself throw-up to make myself feel better and to feel like I actually had a choice in what I did. Not some low-life football boy from high school