Like a Crash the Whole Thing Spun Out of Control - Comments

It's really weird...I know of and like The Maine though I only have like two of their songs on my iPod yet I love John O Callaghan stories, he's basically the only one I know/recognize. I always end up being sent to John stories on comment swap(it must be a cosmic sign that we're meant to be together haha).
You're writing is really good and it's amazing how in just one chapter you are able to bring Harlow's personality across so strong. You can tell she is a good friend who people want to be around, yet she is really strong in that silent kind of way, the way she didn't tell anyone about her attack and she maintains that strength even whilst giving out to John. It's like she just can't bring herself to cry in front of him and be comforted.Ugh, love it.

THIS IS AMAZING.

This is for the comment swap, I'll be reading chapter 1 for you. (:

The layout actually did hurt my eyes quite a bit, because the text was so very small and with my bad eyesight, it can really hurt my eyes. But other than that, I think the start of this story is very good. The first chapter did well at introducing who, I assume, are the main characters in the story and I think the reader got a good look at what sort of characters to expect throughout the story. However, I also noticed some grammars errors throughout the story, they were all pretty small that probably slipped through the editing. Though there was one error that was pretty consistent throughout the story, which was this one (just for example):

“What the fuck did you just say? Why the fuck didn’t you tell me Harlow?!”
There should be a comma after "me" and before "Harlow". I noticed this was a very consistent error made. When talking to someone directly in dialogue like in that sentence, there should always be a comma before the name. The only time a comma shouldn't come before a name is if it's indirect, like this sentence for example: "You weren't there to stop Aaron when he". That sentence is correct because Aaron was indirectly mentioned but in the one above, Harlow is directly mentioned so a comma should be used. I hope that made sense, because I feel like it was confusing. Feel free to ignore me if all I did was confuse you.

But your story was a good read. I don't usually read fanfiction (accidentally left the box checked ^^') but the first chapter to the story was a very decent read. Well done. (:

On a good note, you can save some of your readers with a simple few hundred edits. Swear words kill brain cells. You need to cut down. They kick readers right out of the flow of your story. So kick them back in. ;)

Dear kayluhjade.

Your random lettered name made it difficult to find you. However, the King sent us and that led to our determination and ultimate success.

Fear not, the King has only literary goals. He has only beheaded chocolate bars in the last several months and doesn't plan to change that. He wishes to bring meaning, hope and interesting tales to the Kingdom of Mibba. He wishes to remove the despair, torment and grammar mistakes. He also wishes we bring back some fine chocolate from that store to your right. We are the Knights of Comment Swap here to aid your story.

So shall we take a look?

One of the Knights just read a story where John of the band cheated on the main character and then Garrett of the band explains how John feels "bad" about it without going on a word past that explanation. Then her mother tries to understand her but she storms up stairs to go sit in her room and be alone. Then the rest of the members of the band, excluding John, still love the main character, as a best friend only of course, and are eager to get back in touch. Similarly here, thus there is a fanfiction plot repeat.

Although in the other story there was no dog, and John didn't swear so much.

So perhaps you need more originality in your story. Avoiding those cursed and familiar cliches. Cliches often seem to explain themselves, when really they were once original and being used over and over again in random contexts just makes them confusing. So avoid cliches and bloat your story with originality.

You need to give your characters more unique descriptions. They could be anyone, but we, Knights, can tell you want them to sound special. So, let's look at that.

Your description of John is confusing. Skinny and strong aren't really complimenting words. Perhaps try some other descriptions.

His apology doesn't make sense. It entirely does not sit well with us Knights. A true man does not apologize to a fair maiden in this way. And the sheer number of times he says the f-word is a bit insensitive to what happened to her isn't it?

It causes us to grimace in horror for the (for some reason) unrealizing Harlow.

And the way he doesn't really want to apologize and she can hear them...what was the purpose of that? What was the reader supposed to understand from knowing this?

Also, he is rash. He doesn't care for the girl and just quickly drives away. She just explained and trusted him with her hopes; she wanted to be protected. Instead he left to beat someone up when he should comfort her personally and call the police. If he goes to jail or gets kicked out of his band for beating up a man wouldn't that leave his supposed love all alone? Or, for him, perhaps even worse, taken by another more intelligent man?

There are a few things that should be brushed up, and bringing in feelings, and meanings, and beliefs and morals and thoughts and hopes would make this story more original, more yours and more interesting.

We love your description of the ocean though and her family is unique, even though her relationship is not. So keep strong with that, it makes you story stand out.

Also the King sent an example for you. He wants you to experiment with sentence lengths even more:

"This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

Farewell young author, all the best with your story.

Truly,

The Knights of Comment Swap

Comment swap brought me here. First things first I would recommend using a larger font. I found it hard to read at times with such small lettering.
I must admit that I know absolutely nothing about the bands , but it was an interesting start to your story. Everything flowed nicely.

When I saw the title of this story on Comment Swap, I thought it was going to be an All Time Low story, then I was disappointed when it wasn't, but it was The Maine so it's all good! I also like how ATL is in there. ;D It's safe to say that I love the way that you write and I love how their conversations are. It's not at all cheesy or ridiculous, which usually turns me off of stories. I can't wait to keep reading :D

Comment swap led me here but i'm glad they did. I LOVE THE MAINE!! I got to meet John after a gig once, was a VERY good moment. Anyways enough about me. You’re a brilliant writer. I love all of the characters so far, you’re doing a great job on this story. Can’t wait to reads what happens next. :D

Comment Swap led me here. I've never read a story about The Maine but this one intrigued me from the start. I love the way you describe things and you are a wonderful writer. The emotions Harlow went through were easily portrayed through the writing and I usually have trouble with it. This is incredible. :)

Comment swap sent me here, and though I'm really not a fan of any of these bands, I really liked this story. Harlow has been through so much and her life is just spinning out of control. I feel so sorry for her. And Garrett is totally going at the whole intervention process the wrong way. But anyway, yeah I really like this story and I think I'm gonna subscribe and recommend. You're a very good writer.

I got this from comment swap. This was lovely! Well written, good vocabulary, few to no mistakes and a good flow. I particularly liked how the characters sounded real and like teenagers and not one-dimensional, which really really irritates me when that happens.

I wish Harlow would let Garrett help her...and John too. :( Hopefully she'll realize that she can't go on the way she is. Great update!

Sorry double post

Comment swap brought me here, Brilliant story, with a great plot idea. I like the way you’ve played the characters, I only read the first few chapters but I loved it and definitely am gonna back and read the rest . I couldn’t find any faults in your story (but i’m not brilliant when it comes to grammar and stuff any way.) and I love the layout very readable
Kay
x

Comment swap brought me here, Brilliant story, with a great plot idea. I like the way you’ve played the characters, I only read the first few chapters but I loved it and definitely am gonna back and read the rest . I couldn’t find any faults in your story (but i’m not brilliant when it comes to grammar and stuff any way.) and I love the layout very readable
Kay
x

First things first, I’m soooo glad I finally got a band I actually like! I keep getting Prince William fics….Also, the background is my old Tumblr background :)
Anyway, on to the actual comment! I really like the way you write. The descriptions are very vivid and I’m really interested in where this story is going. My one critique is that the font is a little small. Definitely subscribing and recommending this!

Very, very well written. I love your descriptiveness. I'm a very descriptive writer as well, so it's something I enjoy. Sometimes a description can over take a story, and make it boring or monotonous, but this is the perfect amount. I also love that you have good grammar lol, a lot of people don't and it's one of my largest pet peeves. I love The Maine. Can't wait to see what you do with it. Fanfics aren't my thang, but I'll definitely be checking in on this. You keep someone hooked. You seem very talented and experienced. Just the simple details, like describing the love for the ocean is what makes up the story. Keep putting in those details, they're perfect. Keep it up I really can't wait to read more, I'm subbing. :) xxx

Very, very well written. I love your descriptiveness. I'm a very descriptive writer as well, so it's something I enjoy. I love The Maine. Can't wait to see what you do with it. :) xx

So I'm not a fan of fanfics (no pun intended) but I enjoyed yours alot. I only read the first two chapters, but you seem like an experienced writer, which is always good. Your writing is very read-able, and I really liked your use of description, too. Nice job! I'll be sure to check out your other stuff!

I never really liked band fics and such, but I must say you're such a talented writer. I can imagine each movement you describe and the conversations are very realistic. I know it sounds weird for me to say that the "conversations are realistic" but my biggest pet-peeve in stories is that their conversations sound forced and completely unnatural. But you made it seem so real. I will be reading more stories by you!