That's Why I Got a Heater For Your Thighs

Once again, I was sitting on an airplane. This time I wasn't feeling happy at all. I was scared to go home. I was scared of facing Jimmy and even my mother. They would both give me so much shit for everything.

Hours passed by too fast and before I knew it, I was standing in front of our front door. I could barely bring myself to open the door, that's how scared I was.

I finally forced myseld to open the door and stepped in with my suitcase. I walked a few steps into the house before putting down the suitcase and opening my mouth.

”Jimmy?”

There was no answer.

I walked up into our bedroom but couldn't find him there. I looked through the whole house but didn't find anyone.

And then it hit me.

He had left. He had left me. He and the baby were now gone, they had moved out and left me alone. But did it really come as a surprise? I knew it would be coming. I had told him that I needed to have some alone time. And now I would get that, wouldn't I?

But I would I let go without a fight? Could I live with myself if I didn't fight to get him back?

But then again, what if he just didn't want me anymore? What if he wanted something else, someone else?

I loved Jimmy and even if I couldn't have him, I didn't want anyone else to have him, either.

Without a second thought, I got in my car and drove to my mom's place. It was getting late already and dark outside, so I was sure that she would be home. And when I reached her house, I saw Jimmy's car in front of it.

Suddenly I wasn't so determined anymore. I was getting scared once again.

I swallowed hard as I walked to the front door and rang the doorbell.

Yikes.

About 30 seconds later, the door opened. It was mom. She was glaring at me like she'd never done before. She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for me to say something.

But I couldn't talk. I just wanted to cry. My throat felt dry and I was sure that I was unable to speak.

My eyes started to water and that's when mom's face softened. She pulled me into a hug and I sobbed against her chest.

And there I was, still after all those years, looking for comfort from my mother.

”I miss you all so much,” I mumbled and cried some more, ”I'm sorry for everything, I really am. I miss you.”

”Shh, it's okay, honey. You're fine, everything is okay,” she whispered and held me tightly.

”Mom, Jimmy left me...”
”What? What are you talking about?” She pulled away a bit and held my face between her hands, while trying to wipe away the tears.

”Well he was so mean to me and he told me that he didn't want to see me anymore. And when I went back home, he and the baby were gone and now he's here and...”

I trailed off as I saw Jimmy standing behind my mom.

He let out a deep sigh and shook his head.

”Jimmy, I'm so sorry,” I mumbled and took a step towards him.

That's when he took a step back, away from me. I froze and started crying harder.

”Jimmy, don't be so hard on her,” mom said quietly. Jimmy shook his head once again.

”You left without a warning. You went to Australia, to the other side of the world, without telling me. You left a fucking note. You didn't even take your phone with you. I had no idea where you were or if you were even okay. You have no idea how worried I was. You don't even care about that because all you think about is yourself and nothing else. You're so fucking selfish,” Jimmy muttered.

”That's not true. I just wanted to have some time alone. I never meant to hurt you or cause such drama...” I whispered and tried to wipe my eyes.

”I don't want you to be mad at me. I want everything to be the way it was before... Before the baby was born and everything...” I mumbled.

”It's too late for that now,” he said.

”So... You are breaking up with me?” I whispered.

I swallowed hard and tried to hold the tears in. This was it, the moment of truth.

”No, I'm not breaking up with you. I just want you to think about other people for once and not just yourself. And what about our baby? He probably doesn't even know who his mother is because you're never around.”

”I'm sorry. What do you want me to do?” I mumbled.

”Think about your life. Cheer up. Smile. I'd love to see that beautiful smile on your face again,” he said and laughed a bit.

But I couldn't smile. So I just nodded.

”Go home. I'll be there later tonight,” Jimmy said.

”Can I hug you before I go?” I mumbled quietly.

He smiled and chuckled. Then he took a step towards me and pulled me into his arms. I buried my face in his chest and cried quietly.

He held me tightly for a few minutes.

Mom had gone back inside when Jimmy pulled away.

”Do you think you're able to drive home?” he asked quietly and wiped my eyes.

Typical Jimmy. Even though he was obviously mad at me, he still felt the need to take care of me.

I sniffled and nodded. I wiped my nose and let out a sigh. He patted my shoulders and pinched my cheek.

”Go get some food and sleep. I'll see you later,” he said.

”Are you coming back home, though?” I mumbled.

”Well, it is my home... I'm not just going to leave, Rach. I know that leaving and running away from reality won't change anything,” he said.

”I just... I'm really afraid of losing you,” I admitted. He had a sad smile on his face as he touched my cheek.

”You didn't use to be. You used to know that I wouldn't let anyone else ever have you,” he said and patted my shoulders.

The baby started crying inside.

”I need to go. I'll see you when I get back home, okay?” he mumbled.

He leaned closer and kissed the top of my head before letting go of me.

I opened my mouth and was about to say something, but he was gone already and the door in front of me was closed. I stared at it for a moment before turning around and walking back to my car.

-

I laid on our bed alone, staring up at the ceiling. Jimmy wasn't home. I was completely alone, waiting for something to happen. I didn't like being alone at that moment. I had too much on my mind, too many things to think about.

My phone beeped and let me know that someone had sent me a message. I grabbed it and looked at the screen for a moment.

It was Jimmy. It said that he wouldn't be coming home that night. He had decided it was the best if we weren't together now.

As I put the phone away, I started crying again.

I was honestly going a bit nuts. I didn't know what to do anymore, I didn't know how to get on with my life. I was slowly coming to the conclusion that Jimmy didn't want to be with me anymore, at all. He wanted to break up with me but he didn't have the balls to say it to my face. So, instead, he sent me a text message. What a fucking prick.

When I woke up, my pillow was still wet from all the crying. I sniffled and felt sick as I sat up and started rubbing my sore eyes. I forced myself up from the bed and got dressed before slowly making my way downstairs.

I was really miserable, I realized, as I sat down around the kitchen table. I looked out of the window and sighed.

I knew I had to do something to end it all. I couldn't keep on living like that anymore. I knew that I couldn't get Jimmy back if he didn't even want to be with me. In fact, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to live my life without him. There was no point in living my life anymore.

And I suppose that's when I found my answer to the problem. If I knew that I couldn't live without Jimmy, wasn't there only one thing to do? I had to end it all, I had to leave how I wanted.