That's Why I Got a Heater For Your Thighs

There were tears in my eyes as I sat on our backyard by the pool. My feet were in the cold water. The air was cold but I was sitting there in my bikini.

I didn't care about the weather. I didn't care about anything. I just wanted to end it all.

I had started to think about killing myself. It felt like an easy way out of it all. I could end everyone's pain. Jimmy wouldn't have to see me anymore, I wouldn't have to live without him.

My mom had other children, it's not like she needed me so much. And the baby... My baby would have an amazing father. Jimmy would find a nice girlfriend who would become my son's mother. They could do and have something I couldn't; they could have a real family.

I wasn't exactly sure if I could really do it, though. I was too big of a pussy to ever hurt myself like that. I was scared of permanent things. Because once I had killed myself, there was no coming back. I would be gone forever.

But I wanted to do it. I wanted to know how everyone would react once I was gone. Would people really miss me? How long would it take for everyone to move on and forget about me?

I pulled my feet out of the water when it started raining.

I laid down on my back and closed my eyes as the rain poured over my body and face. I was freezing but I didn't move, not until I heard someone's voice.

”Rachel? Honey, what are you doing?”

I opened my eyes when I heard mom's voice.

She was standing a few feet away from me, staring at me with her wide eyes.

”Nothing,” I mumbled so quietly that she couldn't have heard me.

I sat up and shivered. Mom noticed that I was cold and rushed into our house.

A few moments later she wrapped me into a towel and pushed me inside, closing the door after her.

”This is stupid, Rachel. This is not how an adult should act,” mom mumbled as she tried to warm me up.

”What does it even matter? There's no one here. I'm alone. Even Jimmy left me and he's been the only person to actually swear that he would never leave,” I muttered, ”I'm a failure, mom.”

”Nonsense. Now, stop saying things like that and get dressed,” she said.

”Mom, I don't know what to do anymore,” I admitted.

”Listen. One person should not be your whole life. You can't give up if Jimmy's gone for a while,” mom said and pinched my cheek, ”You have other people around you who care about you. You've got me, Becky, your dad... Your baby.”

”But I just want Jimmy. None of this matters if he's not there for me,” I mumbled.

Tears were making their way down my face again.

”I hate seeing you like this, honey. What do you want me to do?”

”I just want Jimmy. I... I... I'll kill myself if he really leaves me,” I whispered.

Mom's eyes widened and she took a hold of my face.

”Don't ever say things like that again, okay? Never ever think about hurting yourself, Rachel.”

”I just really miss Jimmy,” I mumbled and sniffled.

”I understand that you're going through a lot but hurting yourself is not the answer for anything,” she said and pulled me into a hug.

”I love you, honey, more than anything,” she told me.

I just nodded and cried some more.

Once mom had left and gone back home, I became a lot more miserable. I went and laid down on the couch and laid there for at least two hours without doing anything.

I think I was going crazy. I honestly didn't know what to do with my life anymore. I just felt like I could lay in bed all day until the day I'd die.

I figured that the least I could do was to talk to Jimmy about my feelings before I made any decisions. I'm sure he could at least listen to what I had to say, even if he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. So I texted him and he promised to come over in an hour.

Some time later I heard the front door open and a moment later someone turned on the lights in the livingroom. I opened my eyes and looked at Jimmy who was standing in the doorway and looking at me.

”Have you been crying?” he asked quietly.

”I... I thought about killing myself,” I admitted quietly.

I sat up on the couch and watched as Jimmy's face fell.

”What did you just say?”

”I'm really not doing okay and without you, I need to find a way to end this...” I mumbled.

God, I think I was going to cry again.

”Don't ever say that again, okay? Do you hear me? Never even think about doing that to yourself. There are too many people out there who care about you and you have no idea what that would do to them,” he said quietly and shook his head.

”I have no one. There's no one I could hurt.”

”You're hurting me, okay?”

”Well you're hurting me!” I exclaimed, ”You're leaving me!”

”I never once said that I never want to be with you again!” he shouted, ”I'm just so fucking mad at you, okay? I've never been this mad at anyone and you know why this sucks? I fucking love you, Rach, more than anything in this goddamn world and you just don't seem to understand that! You act like everything has to be about you all the time!”

”Well maybe I need everything to be about me for once!” I exclaimed, ”I need you to tell me that you need me. I cannot live without you!”

Jimmy stood there for a moment without saying anything.

”Your mom said that you'd been sitting out in the rain today,” he said suddenly, ”Don't do that, Rachel. Don't.”

”Don't tell me what to do if you really don't even care about me enough to be with me,” I muttered.

”I do care about you! Why is that so fucking hard to understand?” he shouted.

”You're better off without me,” I whispered.

”What the hell do you want me to do? If this relationship doesn't work, it just doesn't work. And it sure as hell won't get better if you threaten to kill yourself when things get rough.”

”Just go away.”

”Fine. You know what? Just do it. Just kill yourself if it really makes you feel better because you're such a selfish bitch nowadays. I wouldn't be surprised if you actually did it. You don't care about anyone else but yourself. You don't want help, you don't want people to be around you. You don't want anything. I don't know you anymore and it makes me sick. Just kill yourself,” he muttered before leaving.