Weightless

I sat in my bedroom finishing up my homework and avoiding dinner, which I’ve been doing really well at. Since the meet almost a week ago I lost five pounds which means I’m back down to the eighties. I can feel my body getting weaker, the world around me is constantly spinning and my stomach always aches. But the sad part is, I can’t stop.

“Hey Hale can we talk?” Oliver’s soft voice breaks through my thoughts. I looked over to him and gave him a soft smile before shutting my math book and setting it aside. I watched as Oliver took a seat on my bed grabbing my baseball off my end table and beginning to toss it into the air. “Mom told me to take you to the doctor’s tomorrow, she said you need a check up.” He mumbled softly his eyes focused on the ball.

“Hm.” I mumble as I pick at my fingers. “What time?”

“Nine in the morning, you’ll be missing half of your classes.” He stopped for a second taking a deep breath before dropping the ball to the ground. “But um mom told him that you don’t eat and he wants to see you, he says if you don’t get better that…” Oliver stops and bite his lip before looking back up at me. “They’ll need to take things into their own hands.”

“Meaning?” I asked raising an eyebrow.

“If you keep resisting food they’ll set you up on a feeding tube, and you’ll have to quite school to get professional help.”

“That’s stupid!” I yell feeling my hands being to shake. “I don’t have a fucking eating disorder, ok. That’s a girl diseases.”

“Yeah well I looked it up and in the last few years males with eating disorders have been increasing so you know what it isn’t just a female diseases, anyone can have it even fucking children!” Oliver screamed and that’s when I notice the worry etched into his face, the tears slipping from his eyes. He’s worried about me, he’s worried about what might happen. How long have I gone on without noticing such obvious worry? “I didn’t mean to yell.” Oliver whispered sitting back down and running his hands through his hair.

“I understand.” I whisper. “You’re worried.”

“Tomorrow morning, we’ll leave at eight thirty.”



I sat in the waiting room next to Oliver who was reading some parenting magazine. My mind was racing, what if they really do stick a tube down my nose just to get me to eat? What if they stick it straight into my stomach? I shudder at the thought, if eating will keep me in school, on the wrestling team than maybe I’ll eat a meal or two a day.

“Hale Lambert?” the nurse calls. I stand up and follow the young nurse into a small room with only a scale. Oliver follows behind us and waits outside the door. “Please remove your clothes leaving on only your undergarments and socks and put this on.” She tells me handing me a hospital gown. I take it and wait for her to leave the room before quickly stripping off my clothes and slipping on the gown. Minutes later Oliver peeks in, “Ready?” he asks.

“Can you tie the back?” I ask. Oliver nods and stands behind me easily tying the back of my gown as the nurse waits for me.

“Step on the scale.” She tells me when I’m ready. Taking a deep breath and I step on it and watch as she fiddles when the bars before letting out a soft sigh. “Let’s get your height.” She whispers.

Once she get’s my height and weight she leads Oliver and I to a separate room. I take a seat on those doctor things and Oliver takes a seat in a extra seat. We’re both silent and I play with the hem of the gown that I’m still wearing. The awkward silence passes until the doctor walks in a smiles and laughs. “Hale it’s been awhile.” He says taking a seat in front of me, my chart on his lap. “And we have a lot to talk about, beginning with your weight.”

“How much does he weigh doc?” Oliver asks softly speaking for the first time all morning.

“Honestly, bad. A boy his height should not being weighing 86 pounds. Hale when was the last time you eat?”

“I don’t know like….the day of my meet.” I whispered. “A week ago.”

“do you feel weak? Fatigue? I noticed you’re wearing a beanie do you mind taking it off?” I quickly pull it off and watch as my doctor feels my hair. “It’s thin, and falls out to easily.” He says showing me a chuck of my golden blonde hair. “Oliver have you noticed anything?”

“He doesn’t eat with us anymore, he doesn’t eat at all and he’s always exercising. Every morning he’d go out a run for an hour and on top of that he works out after school, and he goes to practice almost every day.”

I chew my lip and stare at the ground and Oliver and my doctor continue to talk. I never noticed how bad I was getting until now, until I hear my brother talk about it. I’ve never felt so ashamed in my life.

“Hale how long has this been going on for?”

“Since Maggie died.” I whispered softly.

“That’s been three years Hale.” Oliver whispered.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I mumbled wiping at my eyes, refusing to let the tears fall.

“Oliver what I want you to do is take him for outpatient treatment, have him eat six small meals a day and if he continues on this way, skipping meals or purging I want you to call me and we’ll schedule a date to arrange him for tube feeding.” The doctor said handing Oliver a bunch of packets and papers. “Hale why don’t you change into your normal clothes while I continue to talk to your brother, I’ll meet you outside.”

I watch as my brothers and the doctor leave before sighing deeply and letting a few tears slip. Slowly sliding off the gown I let my fingers trail over my ribcage feeling each rib under my touch. Slowly my fingers travel to my hips where the bones pop out and my pelvis that is sticking out, literally sticking out. I wipe at my eyes and quickly slip on my jeans before walking out the room where my brother is shaking my doctors hand. My doctor turns to me and smiles patting my back , “We’ll help you through this Hale.” He said.

“Let’s go.” Oliver whispered leading me out the car.

The ride home is silent once more. I glance to Oliver’s lap where all the papers are, names to treatment centers and booklets about helping eating disorder patients. I sighed loudly and once Oliver pulled up to our house I quickly hurried out the car and into the house. “I’ll make you some food!” Oliver called from the kitchen as I ran up the stairs to my bedroom. I closed the door behind me and that’s when I broke down.

I cried and cried and tugged at my hair and scratched at my flesh. I screamed how I hated my self, how I rather be dead then deal with this. Then deal with being in this body. Oliver ran in and held me, pulled my hands away from my bleeding arms and held me like a child.

“I promise you I’ll help you Hale, I promise you.”