More Than Rain

Samuel and I went to some diner and got brunch.
We talked a little and he dropped me off, only staying a few minutes to chit chat with my mom.
As soon as he left I stepped outside and sat on a step on my porch.
I'm sitting by myself, in silence and now I've got all this time to think.
So I think about Samuel.
About how good of a guy he is.
About how my mom actually likes him.
How my mom thinks he should be worried about me and Joel.
And then I think about Joel.
And how stupid it is for my mom to think Samuel should worry about me having feelings for Joel.
And how stupid it is that she actually thinks Joel would think twice about me.
I think of how stupid it is that I'm still wondering why I haven't felt sparks with my own freaking boyfriend yet.
How stupid I even believe in all that sparks crap.

I sit on the porch for hours almost.
A girl really shouldn't have that much time to just..think.
You leave a girl that much time to think and she does nothing but think..and think..and over think until she has confused herself.
I've confused myself into actually believing my mom.
Maybe she's right when she asks if Samuel should worry about me and what I feel for Joel.
"Honey, you want to come inside? Your soaking up the moonlight,"my mother says, from the front door and breaking me from my thoughts.
I realize i've been outside a long time cause it's actually getting dark out.
"Nah I'll come in soon,"I say and wave her back inside.
She nods her head and leaves me to myself once again.

I sit there some more for a few minutes before I hear my brother greeting Joel a goodbye from the otherside of the door.
I hear him say bye and then our front door open and close again.
"Oh hey Camden," Joel says cheerfully.
I look up and give him a small smile.
He sits down beside me on the step.
"Weren't you headed home?" I asked.
He shrugged. "Yeah but can't I talk to my friend a little while? Im in no rush,"
"Sure, I said flatly.
I don't know why but for some reason I felt like I was giving Joel the cold shoulder.
Maybe I felt like since I had no chance with him that I didn't want my feelings toward him ruining what I actaully did and could have with Samuel.
I didn't want to want him anymore.