More Than Rain

"Uh I was just leaving," I say and turn around, once again trying to make my leave.
I reach the middle of the street and Joel speaks again.
"Just leaving? What were you doing here in the first place? At eleven pm? Throwing rocks at my bedroom....that's a little cliche don't you think Camden?"
He's laughing, but dryly.
Sourly.
I turn around, still standing in the middle of the street.
"Trying to apologize...well trying to leave now," I sigh.
"Then apologize," he says, waiting, like he's so bored and annoyed with me.
I bury the anger I'm starting to get with him and gulp.
"I'm sorry okay? I shouldn't be flat with you. I shouldn't be pushing you away. I shouldn't be blaming you for the things going on with me. I'm sorry. I really am or I wouldn't be standing in the middle of our street at eleven pm now would I?"
Joel chuckles, this time it's not dry or sour.
It's sincere and humourous.
"That you wouldn't be. Want to walk? I think there's more here than an apology that needs to be settled" He asks.
I sigh.
He's right.
"Um sure," I agree.

We walk down the moonlit side walks down our street.
"So why have you been pushing me away?" Joel says breaking silence.
"Um I don't know, it's just something I do I guess," I say.
Joel groans."That's not the reason is it? Tell me Camden. I kind of deserve to know why your my friend one moment and then a complete and rude stranger for no reason the next."
This is it.
This is the time for me to tell Joel I think I'm pushing him away because I like him and want to save my relationship with Samuel.
"No it's not. Look Joel I'm with Samuel and he is so amazing and sweet and he's just...he's a real good guy. And in order for me to keep what me and Samuel have going god then I push you away." I say.
Joel looks confused.
"Why do you need to push me away just for Samuel? Does he think something is going on or-"
I cut him off. "No no no, he doesn't think anything. It's me. I'm pushing you away because of me. Look Joel...I...I'm pushing you away so I don't mess things up with Samuel, and if I don't push you away then I'm afraid I'll let myself fall into you,"
Joel stops walking.
Thinking.
Letting it all sink in.
And then he turns to me, looking me in the eyes.
"Camden...are you saying you..feel something...towards me?" He asks.
I nod.
He nods as well in understanding.
And then without warning he kisses me quick.
"What was that Joel?!" I hiss low.
"I like you too Camden," he tells me.
At that moment it's as if someone has hit me hard in the gut.
"Oh Joel no, I can't." I say sadly.
"Camden.."Joel says trying to grab my hand.
"No Joel I just..I can't" I say almost in tears.
I push away his hands and leave him alone on the sidewalk.
I can't do this to Samuel.
And for Joel?
After he only decided to tell me after his girlfriend was done with him.
I just couldn't
So I walked all the way home confused as hell with tears in my eyes.
What was I going to do?