The Kind of Hoax That Leaves a Lump in Your Throat

Coral was away on a job, and Zahra left to go away with Oakley on the Wednesday, so I had the whole house to myself. This was good. It meant I was able to sit around and cry all day without anyone asking questions.

I woke up on the Saturday with a sleeping tom next to me, so I just laid there until he woke up. When he had we said our goodbyes and tom said to call if I needed anything.

I went home to find josh’s bags that once filled the hallway gone, as well as everyone else. I went and sat on the sofa, numbing my mind with whatever was on the TV, because I just really didn’t want to do anything.

I couldn’t face the thought of going onto my room, where josh and I used to sleep, and where some of his stuff was still scattered around, and his smell still lingered on the pillows and sheets.

I snuck into corals room and stole some things to change into, im sure she wouldn’t mind, and spent the next 48 hours on the sofa. The thought of food made me feel sick, so I didn’t eat anything, which is totally cliché and just stupid, but I really couldn’t do it. I just wanted to sit and cry.

So that’s what I did.

I cried so much I didn’t think I had anymore tears left in me, but there were always some left. Stashed away somewhere were the extra tears I needed encase I ran out.

It was Monday morning when I eventually got up. Charlie decided she wanted a tattoo and was off to see liana and asked if I wanted to come so I could hold her hand. I would have happily stayed on the sofa, but I realised I couldn’t spend the rest of my life on there, no matter how much I wanted too. It wasn’t healthy. So I got up, and bravely went into my room.

His smell hit me first, bringing fresh tears to my eyes, but I kept strong and quickly got dressed, trying to dodge out the way of his things before leaving. I said I would meet her at the tattoo shop so it gave me time to try and compose myself before I saw them.

I walked in to an empty reception and called out to see if anyone was there, but I heard liana call from the back room and went in there. Charlie was sat in a chair, her arm propped up on some sort of arm rest type thing and liana was sat in front of her, gun at the ready.

“Just in time” Charlie sung. “Quick, I need to hold your hand encase it hurts” she smiled and I pulled up a chair and took hold of her free hand.

“You ready?” liana asked, and Charlie just nodded. “Okie dokie lets go” and with that the familiar buzz started and liana got to work.

Charlie’s eyes were shut tight, and her hand was squeezing mine to death, but when the needle touched her skin she realised it wasn’t that painful that she had to hold it that tight and loosened up a bit. Liana and Charlie chatted about something I should have been listening too, but my thoughts drifted to the last time I was in here.

I was with tom whilst josh and oli did their recording and I was looking for a tattoo I might want. Josh then came and I sat on his lap whilst he idly ran his fingers through my hair with one hand, and drew circles in my skin with the other.

God I missed him.

He’d hurt me yes, hurt me more than I ever thought possible, but he was the one I wanted next to me telling me everything was going to be ok. But he wasn’t. He couldn’t. The part that made it worse was the fact that I wasn’t so sure if he ever would again.

I told him we were done, and that if he couldn’t think differently then not to bother coming back to me. I said it in the heat of the moment, figuring that he would come back to me, that somehow he might be able to change his mind somehow.

But what if he couldn’t?

What if he still believed that I could cheat on him so he never came back? Then I’d be alone forever and probably have about 57 cats. No matter what josh does to me; I would pick him over anyone. There’s no doubt about it. But what if he won’t pick me?

“Violet!” liana suddenly shouted, shocking me out of my thoughts. I jumped about 6 ft in the air from the fright she gave me, and under normal circumstances, that was ammunition for her to take the piss, but there was a mask of a concern adoring her features that was mirrored by Charlie. “You alright, sweetie?”

“Yeah” I managed to get out but by the looks on their faces, they didn’t believe me. “Guys I’m fine”

“Why do you look like you wanna burst into tears then?” Charlie retorted. I forgot we were still holing hands until she squeezed it comfortingly. “You can tell us you know, we want to help you if there’s something wrong”

“I know I just…” I began and I could already feel the tears prickling in my eyes.

“Just what?” liana prodded. “It helps to talk things through sometimes”

“I know, im sorry, I just don’t know how to say it”

Liana stood up, as did Charlie, and all thereof us somehow managed to wedge ourselves on the sofa that was supposed to seat two people. I was in the middle, and the both wrapped their arms around me”

“Violet, you’re worrying me. Now ive got an hour and a half until my next appointment so out with out.” Liana said and Charlie rubbed my arm.

“We don’t wanna push you vi, but we also want to help. We can’t do that unless you tell us” Charlie then said. I guess they were playing good cop bad cop.

“I don’t even know where to start”

“the beginnings always a good place.” Liana said and I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“fine, I guess it started a few weeks ago. You remember when you saw josh and I in the pub the other week?” I asked Charlie and she nodded.

“yeah he was completely out of it” she smiled.

“well just after you left he said I needed to stop flirting with every boy I meet or whatever and stormed off. We talked it out a few hours later and we’re fine, but I guess he never let it go”

“what’s happened vi?” liana asked, fear adamant in her voice.

“well you know tom, tom Sykes you did some work on his sleeve” I said and liana just nodded. “well on Friday night josh accused me of cheating on him with tom, and then flirting with max in front of him. I didn’t know what to do so I told him we were over and I haven’t spoken to him since” I said, my voice slightly breaking at the end.

The two girls didn’t say anything; I think they were in shock. They just held me tighter as I cried some more and waited until I’d calmed down.

“what if ive made a mistake?” I asked Charlie and she looked confused. “what happens if I was meant to be with Sonnie, but I ruined it because of some stupid crush on josh that I couldn’t get over? He’s all loved up coral now so I really will be forever alone”

“vi, if you were meant to be with Sonnie, then I think it would have worked out, and I don’t think you’d be feeling this shit if you didn’t love josh. Things will work out. I know this isn’t how you planned it, but I guess it’s just how it’s meant to be” Charlie sighed and brushed some hair back from my face. “I don’t think ive ever seen two people more right for each other than josh and you.”

“then why is this happening?”

“I really don’t know love. But I’m here for you, so is li. Whatever happens, you’ll have us. Always.”

“too right” I heard liana mumble and I couldn’t help but smile. We settled into a comfortable silence. But now I’d told them, I felt the need to share everything with them, no matter how stupid it was.

“do you know what hurt the most? First time he was drunk, and I mean out of his box, but the second time? Sure he’d had a drink, but he was basically sober”

“maybe he was nervous about the shows and was just saying anything that came to mind” liana suggested, but I could tell she didn’t mean a word of it. I think she was just trying to look for excuses to make me feel better.

“what happens now?” I asked and they just looked at me with blank expressions.

“I guess that’s for you to decide” Charlie said and I was about to speak but she got there first. “you’re the only person who knows what you want, so you need to figure out what that is and then act on it. If you don’t want to be with josh anymore, then that’s ok, we’ll support you” Charlie said looking over to liana, and I felt her nod. “but if you want him back, then you need to work out how you’re gonna do it. No pressure. Just do whatever comes first”

I was about to reply when Charlie’s phone went off, and it was Ali. She left soon after and then liana’s next client came along so I went home. I felt slightly better about everything, but I was still confused.

I just needed time to think and then I’d be fine.