Guts

One Year Before
My phone buzzed. I looked at it in hopes that it was Caleb responding to my text from an hour ago, but my face dropped in disappointment when I saw it was just my best friend Kara asking me to come to the mall with her. I lie and told her I had too much homework when really I was three quarters done with my English paper, which was the only thing I had to do tonight.
I dropped my phone on my bed and sighed to myself. Last week Caleb would respond within minutes, and now it was just every now and then he would actually talk to me. Last week he was complimenting me like crazy and now he’s been hanging around with Amanda a lot. She was in the year above me. I was just a freshman at our community college and she was a sophomore.
Could you really blame Caleb for choosing her over me, though? I had acted so clingy and annoying because I craved his attention. It was a nice change since all throughout high school I was ignored by most guys. Not to mention Amanda was more edgy and cunning and cool. I was just awkward and shy and naïve. It must be the hopeless romantic in me, trying to hold onto something that was never really there in the first place.
Christ Lily, quit over-thinking things all the time.
“Lily,” My mom called up the stairs, “Someone’s here to see you.”
I slid off of my bed and walked downstairs, only to find Kara standing there with her arms crossed over her chest. She wore a gray pea coat with jeans and pair of black Uggs. She had a blue scarf wrapped tightly around her neck and a black knit beret placed on top of her caramel colored hair. Her hazel eyes glared at me with a knowing look.
“I know you only have that English paper to write. And it isn’t due until Friday,” She said, “its Wednesday, Lily. You can take a break. You need it.”
“I just didn’t want to be rushing tomorrow,” I replied.
“Lily, get your coat on. We’re going to the mall to take your mind off of things. I’m not stupid; I know you’re just sulking upstairs. So let’s go.”
I rolled my eyes with a grin, Kara knew me too well.
“Fine,” I said, “But we get to play my music in the car.”
She laughed, “Fine!”
*
Kara and I sat down on a wooden bench in the middle of the malls hall with a soft pretzel in each of our hands.
“So, why are you still talking to him?” Kara asked.
I shrugged at her, “I don’t know. I like him.”
“Lily,” Her eyes looked sincere, “I’m pretty sure he’s taken Amanda out on dates.”
My heart sank a little bit. It wasn’t like we’d known each other for long, it had only been a few months, but there was something different about him that I really liked.
“Oh,” I said softly. What else could I say to that?
“I’m sorry if I’m being harsh, Lil,” Kara took another bite of her pretzel, “I just hate seeing you hung up on someone who doesn’t feel the same. It’s not fair to you.”
“It really isn’t, but it’s not like feelings have an on and off switch.”
“I know, but you can’t at least try? You still text him every day and ask him to hang out with you. That’s not helping you, it’s only digging you in deeper.”
I clicked my tongue once, something I often did when I couldn’t think of a reply to say.
“You know, his brother is pretty cute,” Kara added, “Maybe you can try him instead.”
I laughed, “Yeah right. That doesn’t make me any better of a person than Caleb.”
I looked at Kara, “To make you happy, I’ll stop texting him.”
“Trust me,” She said, “It’ll make you happier than it’ll make me.”
Kara was right. This was the smarter, better option. It’s not like Caleb really did much anyway. It wasn’t like he was interesting. Well, no, that’s a lie. He was interesting in the fact that he was so ordinary and simple. It was his mind that was complex. I just couldn’t figure him out or his intentions. Maybe the challenge was what interested me more than him. Caleb had a job, but he didn’t even go to school and he didn’t have a license or a car. If we ever went on a date, we’d probably have to walk and it probably wouldn’t be anywhere extravagant. That actually didn’t sound too bad. I didn’t need fancy dinner dates; I just wanted someone who I could enjoy my time with. But apparently that someone wasn’t Caleb.
I stood up in unison with Kara and the two of us walked out of the mall so we could head home. We played Kara’s music on the way back to my house. It was very poppy and happy, but my mood was really the opposite. It wasn’t that I was upset over Caleb; I was just really frustrated at the fact that I had been led on and dropped in an instant. I was also frustrated at myself for hanging on to something so silly, something so small.
I tried to wash away the thoughts by belting out Katy Perry lyrics with Kara. We laughed at our horrible pitch and almost winced at how off-key we were. Yet we continued to sing along anyway.
It was clear that Caleb and I weren’t on the same key, so why did I keep trying to sing along with him?