Can't Hold Back

I received a very angry phone call from Dana a few days ago. She yelled at me, cried, and insulted my appearance as well as my intelligence. It was to be expected, because I did betray her, and I hurt her very badly.

I tried to picture myself in her shoes, and I realized somewhere along the lines I became a selfish bitch, which was something that I thought about, but never really wanted to admit. Rayce always told me that I wasn’t; that I couldn’t help the way I felt and that even though what I was doing was wrong, I couldn’t help it.

It dawned on me that he only said those things because whatever bad horrible person I thought I was would automatically mean the same for him.

After thinking for a while I came to the conclusion that Rayce must be more sensitive that I am. I was willing to keep us a secret for way longer than him, but I was the first one to break off my own relationship. He may be more sensitive, but I am weaker.

I thought that I would feel so much batter at this point, but I kind of don’t. I lost Owen and I lost my best friend…I feel like I have this open wound now.

“Do you think we made the right choice?” I ask Rayce, playing with the bed sheets.

He rolls on his side to face me, and puts his hand on my bare shoulder.

“Why would you ask such a thing, Becks? Are you feeling a little down?”

I sighed and shrugged. “I have so many thoughts swarming my brain right now. I don’t know what’s what anymore. After you broke up with Dana- that was the last obstacle standing in our way. As much as I wanted that to happen, I was really shocked that it did. I was happy- and I’m still happy. I just, feel really guilty.”

Rayce gives me a half smile and scoots closer to me. He kisses my nose and wraps me in a hug. I hug him back and linger there longer than I should.

“This sounds malicious, but stop thinking about Dana. Yea, we hurt her. Yea, we lost her. She’s not a part of either of our lives anymore. But that’s the price we paid, Becks. That’s what we gave up to have this,” he says and smiles. “…think about this: we just made love without being unfaithful for the first time. We didn’t do anything wrong. We’re together now. We might feel terrible for a while but I promise it won’t feel like this forever. Do you trust me?”

I nod.

“Of course I do, Rayce.”

“Then believe me, Becks. Everything will be fine. As time goes by, we’ll be okay,” he says and kisses me soft on the lips. “Now, clear your head, and let me give you a massage. You need one.”

Rayce gives the best massages. His hands are so big and strong, and he knows exactly what to do. I’ve tried to give him good massages but my hands are too weak and small. He says they’re good but I know they suck. He’s amazing because he deals with my flaws, including my bad massages,

I lie down on my stomach and put my arms to my sides. I feel the weight of the bed change as he sits up.

My lips curl into a smile when I feel his warm skin touch my back.

I love how Rayce knows how to make me feel better about the worst things. That’s so important to me. He’s like my security blanket. He protects me and loves me and takes care of me. It makes me feel silly for thinking about the stuff from before. He’s reassured me of all I needed reassurance from.

“Just relax, Becks. I’ll make you forget about everything.”

I close my eyes and take deep breaths. I love Rayce so much, and I’m so lucky to have him.

He rubs my back and shoulders for a good 20 minutes, and magically I’m more relaxed than I was beforehand.

“Because I’m feeling rather generous, I’m going to make you brunch. How does that sound?”

I bite my lip and smile. “You spoil me Rayce Morrison.”

He smiles back at me. “Only because you deserve it Rebecca Sturgess.”

I squint at him. “Hey, you know I hate my full name. It’s so common and bleh.” I soften my eyes. “But for you I’ll let it slide. It sounds nice coming from you actually.”

“I happen to love your name, and everything else about you. So sit tight, and I will be right back!”

I laugh as he gets up, naked in all his glory. He looks back at me after he puts his boxers on, and struts out of the room on purpose. He can be so silly sometimes.

Just as I’m starting to really relax, of course my phone goes off.

I reach over to the night table and pick up my phone. It’s Owen.

I can’t believe you, Becks. Dana came into my job and told me everything. You’re one selfish bastard. And I hate you. I’m sorry I ever loved you. I want your shit out of my house but I don’t want to see your face, so I’m putting everything in a box and leaving it on your doorstep.

And that sickening feeling in my stomach returns.