Divine Chaos

“What the hell was that?” Oliver question when I got back inside. I sat on the couch still in shock, or maybe it just hit me. Everything he said just made me realize. I dropped the flowers on the floor.

“I have no idea,” I stared at the floor, studying the wooden slants. I looked up at Oliver and he was looking at me, a look in his eye, anger and jealousy, mixed with what? Hurt or worry? Why was Oliver looking at me this way? I stared at him, until he spoke, breaking my trance.
“What did he have to say?” Oliver asked, standing in the front of the living room, his arms crossed.
“Same ole, same ole. Just saying how he fucked up and how sorry he was,” I shrugged my shoulders, trying to feel anything but what I felt now. The feeling was creeping up on me like a spider up my spine, the feeling of surrender.

“So what? Are you going to take him back just because he fed you bullshit words and bought you pink roses?”
“Excuse me,” I said looking up at him, pissed. “Did I even say anything like that?”
“You didn’t have to, I can see it all over your face,” he turned and walked out of the room.

I jumped up and followed him, “Are you kidding me? I can’t believe you’re actually jealous,” I said, almost running into him when he stopped in his tracks.
He turned around, “I’m not jealous of that fucking loser. I just don’t want you to be stupid and actually trust him. He’s bullshitting you, don’t you see?”
“Maybe he’s not,” I said, my heart torn.
“Well what if he is?” he asked, his voice getting softer. “Please don’t get back with him, Jade, please.”
“Why shouldn’t I?” I asked him, feeling exasperated. “I mean, who else am I going to be with?”
“Me.”

“What?” I said, shocked, not knowing what how to respond.
“Yeah,” he said looking me, straight in the eyes. “I said, it. Be with me.”
“We can’t, it’s impossible. Our parents and people at school. I mean your my step-brother.”
“So?” he said.
“So? So you’re my step-brother. We aren’t supposed to be together!” I felt like I was talking to a kindergartner.
“People do it all the time!”
“No they don’t! Only hillbillies do that!” I shook my head, having to walk away from him. His eyes, when they looked at me like that, just got me.

I walked into my room, feeling like I wanted to collapse. Oliver followed me, which completely defeated the purpose of me coming in here in the first place. I sighed.
“Oliver, please—“ I said, wishing he would just drop it.
“No,” he interrupted. “I don’t care what our friends think or what our parents think. I just want to be with you. I like you a lot and—“
“You don’t like me, Oliver. You just think you do. You like what we are now. You like having sex with me and fooling around with me, but as far as liking me? No, you don’t.”
He just looked at me. “What?” I said after about a minute of this.
“You really think that’s the only reason I like you is because of sex?” his voice sounded hurt, and if it wasn’t for the fact that I couldn’t look him in the eye, I’m sure his face would look hurt as well.
“I don’t know,” I said, looking down at my bare feet. The orange polish on them was beginning to chip off.

He just continued to stand there. “Jade,” he whispered. Then he turned and left the room. I stood there, not knowing if I should follow him or just leave it alone. I sighed and lay down on my bed, pulling the covers over my head

**********

My phone chimed, the ringtone bursting through my ears and waking me up. I had dozed off, but had only been sleeping for two hours. I searched around from my phone, flipping through my bed sheets. When I finally found it, I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes before looking at the screen. I had a text message.

I’m sorry. It was from Oliver. Forgive me? It continued.
Maybe, I responded.
That’s good enough for me, he texted me back a couple seconds later.
I texted him back, We can talk about it later but not today, okay?

He didn’t answer back. I sighed and got up, straightening out my dress. Since I had fallen asleep in it, it had gotten a little wrinkled. Oliver showed up at my door a couple minutes later. I looked at him through my vanity mirror.

“Are we still going to the party tonight with your friend?” he asked, leaning against the door frame.
“Yeah, if you want,” I replied.
“Wanna get drunk?” he gave me a devilish look.
I got up and walked over to him, holding my hand out. “Let’s do it.”

**********

We left the house and headed towards the party at seven. I let Oliver drive, after much argument. So I was stuck in the passenger seat, reading off directions that Sandy had sent me. When we got there, there were already a lot of people there, ten cars parked outside. We parked a block down and started walking.

“I’ve never been to this side of Norwalk for a party before,” I told him as we approached the house.
“I used to live on this side so you’ll probably get to meet some of my old friends,” he stuffed his hands deep inside the pockets of his jeans.

We entered the house and I started looking around for Sandy. I spotted her red hair in the crowd and started to head that way. Oliver was talking to some of his friends so I seized the opportunity and slipped away. Sandy saw me as I was trying to get through the crowd. She smiled and started running towards me.

“Where is he?” she looked around, not even bothering to say hey.
“Well hello to you to,” I said sarcastically.
She hit me playfully, “Seriously!”
I pointed towards him, “The one in the black.”
Her eyes found him and she put her hand over her mouth.
“What?” I asked, worried about her reaction. “What? What is it?”

“Nothing, he’s just so cute!” she laughed and I breathed a sigh of relief. “I thought you were going to say he was an axe murderer or something with the way you reacted.”
“No, of course not,” she started pulling me towards him.
“What are you doing?” I asked her, trying to pull out of her grasp.
“You have to introduce us of course!”
I groaned, “Can I at least get a beer first?

We approached Oliver. He was talking to some guys, one of them I recognized as Peter, Sandy’s boyfriend. Sandy bounced over to Peter and he threw his arm around her. All of a sudden someone stumbles up beside me. I look over to see it was Travis, and he hadn’t changed at all.

“Excuse me mam,” he came up behind me and sat his arm on my shoulder, resting his head on his hand and looking down at me. “A shark just ate my only friend and I was just wondering if you could be my new one.”

Oliver laughed and I glared at him. Peter shook his head and patted Travis on the shoulder, “Dude that line only works on the beach.”
I shrugged out from under his arm and stood closer to Oliver just as Sandy said, “Actually Travis, that line only works never.”
Travis sighed and looked down. Peter passed him a beer, and he chirped up.

Sandy gave me a look and then looked over at Oliver. I cleared my throat, “Um, Sandy, this is Travis,” they waved at each other and Sandy giggled. I gave her a look.
“Jade’s told me a lot about you,” she smiled at him.
He looked at her and then smiled at me. “You talk about me?”
I blushed and turned away, “Beer anyone?”

Oliver would not leave me alone for the rest of the night. Every I turned around he was there, following me like a sick puppy. Thanks a lot Sandy. I sighed and grabbed another beer. How can I sort through my feelings if I can never get time alone to do that? At this point, I didn’t care. I just wanted to pass out, my biggest worry being finding a ride home, not having to choose between the boy who broke my heart and my step-brother who I know deep inside I could never actually be with.
Sandy pulled me into the crowd and we danced. It was weird though because it didn’t even feel like I was in my body any more. It was like I was looking down on myself from above. I escaped in time to rush down the hall and into a (surprisingly) empty bathroom. I sank to the ground, putting my head in between my knees.
Sandy knocked on the door. “Jade?”
“Yeah,” I said, reaching up and unlocking the door to let her in.
“You sick?” she asked, coming inside and hopping up on the sink.
“No,” I sighed. “Just thinking. I think I’m having an out-of-body experience.”
“It’s just the beer girl, maybe you should slow down on the drinks. What is that, you’re sixth?” she asked pointing to the beer sitting on the floor beside me.
“Seventh,” I chuckled. “But who’s counting?”
She sighed and hopped down, grabbing the beer off the floor and throwing it away. She held out her hands and helped me up. She pushed me over to the mirror and fixed my makeup, where my eyeliner was running and whatnot. She tossed my hair around and then smiled.
“You look great.”
I smiled, looking in the mirror at myself, hoping to feel great too. “Now c’mon,” she said suddenly, and pulled me out of the bathroom and into the hall where there was already a line starting to form. We pushed through the people and out to the hall. We entered the big living room and found and opening in the crowd. Turns out, I knew about ten people here and that was it. The rest were kids from Stamford High.
“Uh oh,” I heard Sandy call from beside me. I turned to see her looking to my right. I looked to see what she was talking about. I saw them. Oliver standing with a petite girl with straight brown hair. They didn’t look like they were having pleasant conversation.
“Natasha,” Sandy stated. I looked at the girl more closely. She didn’t look like what I thought she would. Although, I didn’t picture her a certain way in my mind. I just thought she’d be slutty or something, but she looked decent. Nice even. “You should go over there,” Sandy nudged me. I gave her a crazy look, “What? He looks like he could use backup.”
“Backup? This isn’t Cops!” I turned and began walking in the opposite direction.
“Seriously!” she supposed.
“Seriously what?” I asked. “It’s not my business.”
“Oh, puh-lease,” she said putting emphasis on each syllable. “You are practically dating him.”
“No, we aren’t dating,” I gave her a look and pulled her into the closest bedroom. “Sandy, I have something to confess.”
“Spill!” she exclaimed.
“Oliver and I, we’re closer than what you think,” I paused wondering how or even if I should really tell her this. I sighed and just said it, “He’s my step-brother.”
I waited for her reaction. She just looked at me. “So?”
“So? So! So I can’t date him!” I said perplexed at how she couldn’t get this.
“Sure you can. I dated my second cousin.” See, Sandy isn’t the brightest bulb in the box.
I wanted to hit something. I clearly needed to talk this out with someone normal. I sighed and left the room. She followed, “I just don’t understand. It’s not like you’re related.”
Oliver saw me from across the room and waved me over. I looked at her and she was turned around, looking my way. I shook my head at him and gave him a look. “Come on,” he mouthed. I pretended like I didn’t know what he said and ignored him.
A couple minutes later he showed up beside me, “Jade, stop being so difficult,” he grabbed my arm. I resisted. “She just wants to say hi. Please?”
I groaned and let him pull me away. “I’m gonna hate you for this.”
“I know you will. Will you be my girlfriend for like five minutes?” he asked. “Great, thanks!” he said, not giving me time to answer.
He pushed me forward and by this time we were already approaching Natasha so I couldn’t say anything more. “Okay, so Natasha, this is my girlfriend Jade.”
I smiled at her, gritting my teeth. “Hi, nice to meet you.”
“You too,” and then, as if I wasn’t even there, she looked up at Oliver and said, “She’s pretty. I hope you’re happy with her.”
She gave me another once-over before walking away. I turned around to face Oliver. “I hate you so much.” I started to walk around him when he caught my hand.
“Why are you mad?” he asked.
“Because, oh I don’t know, but you just used me and brought me into all that when you know I wanted no part of it. Oliver, I have my own problems without being dragged into yours. And I need space, okay? So back off,” I snapped. I didn’t mean for it to sound so mean, or maybe I did, but I couldn’t help it. I turned away from his hurt face and walked back towards Sandy.
“I think I’m going to go,” I told her.
Her face fell, “Why?”
“I don’t know, I don’t feel well and I’m tired,” I said, faking a yawn.
“Mkay,” she gave me a hug, “We need to hang soon. I had fun tonight!”
“Me too,” I said before leaving.
As soon as I got outside I called Val, hoping her date would be over with Johnny. She didn’t answer. I sighed calling a few other people, but no one answered. “What is this, ignore Jade day?” I muttered under my breath. Then, before I could change my mind I called the only person I had left to call.
“Hello?”
“Hey Hayden,” I said, figuring I had woken him up by the sound of his voice. “Um, I was wondering if you could come pick me up. I’m at a party and I’m too drunk to drive home.” The real reason being that Oliver still had my keys and I didn’t feel like going back inside.
“Sure, where are you?” I heard him rustle around, probably getting dressed. I gave him the directions. “Be there soon.” We hung up.
I sat on the steps of the stairs leading up to the porch and rested my head against the brick wall. Now that I thought about it, I was pretty tired. I dozed off listening to the music inside and the voices drifting in and out of the house.
Twenty minutes later, I was shook awake. I opened my eyes and Hayden was there. I got up and we headed in silence towards the car idled in the street. He opened the door for me before shutting it and heading around to his side.
“So, where am I taking you?” he asked once he was in the car.
“I guess,” I was going to say home, but I didn’t have the keys. “I don’t know.” I looked down, feeling a breakdown coming on.
“Hey, hey, hey,” he said. I felt his hand on my shoulder, “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. I’m just so confused,” I picked at my finger nail polish.
“Do you want me to drop you off at Val’s?” he asked.
“No, she’s out with Johnny.
“You can stay at my house tonight,” he suggested. I gave him a look and he held up both hands. “No funny business, promise. I just don’t know where you’re going to go.”
There was a car coming up behind us so we could no longer stay in the middle of the street. He started driving forward. “So, my house it is?” he asked.
I just nodded, resting my head against the headrest and closing my eyes, wishing this night was already over.
When I walked inside Hayden’s house, a flood of memories came back to me. Like how in the entry hall, his little brother caught us making out. In the living room was where we curled up on the love seat and would watch movies late until the night. His room where…
“Jade,” Hayden called out to me again for the third time.
“Huh?” I asked, tearing my eyes away from looking around and following him into the bathroom.
He had a pile of some shorts I had left here and one of his old t-shirts. He laid it on the sink along with a towel and then adjusted the water in the shower to the right temperature. “Uh, so you know where everything is right?”
I nodded and he just kind of stood there, looking at me like he wanted to say something. But he didn’t. He left and I jumped in the shower, letting the water clear my head. When I got out and got dressed, I grabbed the pink toothbrush out of the holder. It was the one I left over here in case I decided to spend the night. I brushed my teeth and set it back in the canister, next to his green one. I stared at the toothbrushes sitting juxtapose each other. I don’t know why, but they made me tear up. Maybe I’m losing it.
I sighed, wiped the tears away and walked out into the hallway, my clothes in hand. I led myself down the hall to his lit bedroom. He was sitting on his bed, reclined back with his hands behind his head. He looked so deep in thought that I didn’t want to disturb him. My cell phone rang. Perfect timing.
His eyes shot open and he saw me standing there, lingering in his doorway. “Sorry,” I mumbled before taking out my phone. 1 missed call, 2 text messages. All from Oliver. I read through them and sent back a quick, I’m safe at Val’s. Good night. I turned my phone off.
Hayden was still looking at me. He got up and showed me where I was going to sleep. It was the guest bedroom right beside his. The rooms were connected by a Jack-and-Jill bathroom where I had just taken a shower.
“Goodnight,” I said to him, hopping in the bed and pulling the cover up and around me.
“Night,” he replied before leaving.
I sighed once he was gone and buried myself deeper under the covers. It was impossible to sleep. I tossed and turned and all I could think about was the guy I was in love with in the next room over. I stared up at the ceiling before creeping out of bed and heading over to the bathroom. I went over to the door that led into Hayden’s room. His light had been turned off, but I could hear soft music coming from his radio.
Hayden was that person that couldn’t fall asleep without music on. It drove me crazy. I cracked open the door, peeked inside. He wasn’t asleep either. He sat up a little looking at me and then without saying a word, pulled back the covers, an invitation. I stepped into his room, shut the door behind me, and tip-toed over to Hayden’s bed.
I crawled in next to him, feeling his familiar arms wrap around me. I sighed peacefully before dozing off, having no dreams at all that night.