The World Inside of You

Parker must have seen me pull up because as I composed myself on the pavement he rushed out and just stared at me with his big goofy grin on his face. I noticed he was thinner than last time I'd seen him. The old me would have nagged him to eat better and fussed over him, but now I could just smugly think that he still wasn't over me and he was suffering after what he did to me.

"I knew you'd show up eventually, Zane," he smiled timidly at me. "I knew you couldn't resist me."

"Don't flatter yourself," I snapped at him, resenting his weak attempt at humor. "I didn't come for you."

"Why did you come then?" Parker's face fell and he slumped against the closed front door looking miserable. "Just to torment me? That's just cruel."

"Cruel?" I gave a short bark of laughter. "You're one to talk about cruelty. You took my heart and stomped all over it. You made me lose faith in everything, you ruined me, Parker, and you have the cheek to tell me that I'm cruel?"

"Well, it didn't exactly take you long to run into the arms of that teacher of yours," he snapped, then his face and voice softened. "Not that I can blame you though."

"How do you know about me and Greg?" I raised an eyebrow at him, wondering if he'd been following me or something.

"One of the girls in the squat goes to your college and there's been rum ours all over about you two, it's hardly a secret Zane. You never were good at keeping them, anyway. I just need to know..." He bit his lip. "You and him, did you do anything when we were still together?"

I stared at him, my mind boggling. Did he forget all my tearful rants about infidelity and betrayal after he told me what happened?

"How could you think that of me?" I felt genuinely hurt by his question. "You know I loved you too much to do that to you."

"Loved? As in past tense?" His eyes filled with tears and a sob choked out him and he started crying in earnest. "Don't you love me any more Zane?"

"It's been two months. You betrayed me, slept with some other guy and ruined my trust. Maybe part of me still loves you, but most of me hates you."

Parker started crying even harder, wailing like a little kid.

"I could stand it if you didn't love me, but please don't hate me Zane. I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I've never loved anyone else and I never will. You're my one and only, my soul-mate and my one true lover. You're my everything. I never meant to hurt you, please baby, please come back to me."

"I'm pregnant," I had to force the words out of my throat, which seemed to be choked up against my own will. Part of me wished it could be simple between me and Parker again but it was impossible.

"It's okay," he smiled weakly at me and then stepped forward to embrace me. I pushed him away but it didn't deter him. "I'll be there every step of the way, we can be a little family and take things slow."

"It might not be yours," my voice was rougher than necessary and I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me. Make him hate the world and everything in it but hate himself even more. The way I'd felt inside every day for the past two months. The way I'd thought Parker had stopped me feeling when we first met. "It might be Greg's, you know, the teacher guy?"

We stood in silence for a long time, and tears slowly and silently dripped down Parker's face and I knew I was successful in making him feel broken inside. It was so different from the way he normally cried- melodramatic and loud- that it unnerved me. I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his small frame which shook gently in my embrace. His tufty hair tickled my cheek and I felt his tears make a damp patch on my shoulder. I stroked his back, trying to comfort him, comfort the both of us in this messed up situation.

"Can't we please try again?" He asked in a tiny voice, muffled against my t-shirt.

I shook my head, crying now as well and not trusting myself to speak. For the first time in memory, Parker was the one to stop the embrace and his eyes were red and puffy. He swallowed a few times and I did the same, pushing my hair off my face.

"I... I can't do this right now Zane," he shook his head, then kissed me lightly on the corner of my mouth before turning and going back inside. I sobbed quietly, all the good memories of the years I'd known Parker as my best friend and my lover rushing back at me.

I walked home, tears refusing to stop falling down my face. I felt like it should be raining, but the sun was shining in a cloudless sky. I could stop thinking about when Parker first kissed me that Spring day; when we kissed for the first time as a couple; when we kissed under the blankets as we first slept together and that sad farewell kiss as we both cried. I wondered if he would kiss our baby that gently if it turned out to be his.

When I got home to my empty flat I just crawled into bed full dressed and stroked my belly until I fell into a fitful sleep.