Hang Me Up To Dry

A month had already passed since Effie was born and I wondered where all the time had gone. John took her to Jared’s apartment so the rest of the guys could see her while I had some alone time to myself so of course I took a nap.

John’s poem binder was sitting there on the bed so I picked it up to put it on the nightstand and a piece of paper fell out. Normally I didn’t read his poems but I figured why not.

Trapped
Like a monkey in a cage
There’s no escape

Fucked
Oh how it’s so simple
Just a ripple

I put my hand over my mouth because it was dated a few days before Effie was born and I couldn’t help but think this was how he felt about fathering a child.

How could I have been so stupid? How could I have thought that this would actually work out? I knew he didn’t want his life to go this way and I had to go and fuck everything up. He didn’t want me. He felt obligated to stay and be a part of his child’s life. If only he’d never known.

I started crying and I looked down at my ring and took it off, placing in on top of the poem and getting a suitcase out of the closet.

Before I finished packing some things, John came home and saw me in the act. “What is this?” He asked confused.

I held up the piece of paper and his expression changed, like I had caught him as well.

“Can I explain?”

“I don’t think I need to hear it, John. This is why I wanted to stay out of your life. For you, having a baby meant that you had to watch out what you were doing around her when for me, it changed everything. You didn’t want this, and I know that. Why did you have to be the noble hero and come rescue me? I didn’t need rescuing. I was trying to give you the life you wanted.”

“Rianne, you’re taking this all wrong.”

“Oh really? How long was I in California before I heard from you? Four, five months? And the only reason you contacted me was because you knew I was pregnant. Now tell me, John. Would you have come after me if Sam had never told you?”

He didn’t say anything because he knew I was right. I was just an obligation to him.

“Goodbye, John. I’ll be seeing you.”

I took Effie out of his arms as he watched me walk away once again.

****

I don’t know what it was about me but I could never stay too long in a committed relationship. I always found something to pick at until it was good enough for me to go.

I love John, but I can’t be with someone who’s just with me because they have to be. For me, a relationship has to be wanted on both ends and what I wanted wasn’t good enough.

“Hey baby girl!” My mom greeted Effie as I tried to get her and my luggage inside at the same time. “What’s this?” She said, noting the suitcase.

“John doesn’t want to be with me, so I’m not making him.”

“Rianne, are you just blowing this out of proportion like you always do? Really, what has he not done to be supportive of you?”

“Yes, Mother, he’s supportive but this isn’t the life he wanted.”

“It may not have been what he wanted but it’s what he got.”

“And this is me letting him have the things he wanted.”

“Have you ever thought what he wanted is you?”

“It’s not just me he’s getting. I come with a carbon copy of John now.”

“She does look like him, doesn’t she?”

I nodded and sat in the chair to feed her the formula that was warming on the dashboard on the drive over.

“Makes me sad.”

“Well what happened to make you come to the decision to inhabit my house?”

“Well… I was going to take a nap and one of his poems fell on the floor and it said how he feels trapped.”

“That’s it? Oh my God, Rianne. I’m going to bust you upside the head one of these days. Did you give the man a chance to explain?”

“He was going to, then I asked him how long he would have waited to come after me if he didn’t know I was pregnant and he didn’t say anything.” I looked at my mom’s blank stare. “Meaning… He wouldn’t have. So I left.”

“Ri, I wish you would give the man you love a minute. You keep running out the door at every turn. You’re giving me whiplash.”

“But what’s the point of making him miserable?”

“There doesn’t have to be a point. And who says he’s miserable? Are you happy with him?”

I waited a second to answer her and pat Effie’s back as she started crying. “Extremely.”

“Does he seem happy with you?”

“Well, yeah, but –”

“Well yeah but what?”

“It could all be an act.”

“If he is taking the time to make himself happy for your sake, doesn’t that say something?”

“It would say something greater if he didn’t have to make himself happy.” I leaned back in the chair as Effie calmed down and threw up on the towel. Beautiful.

“Whatever,” she said standing up now and taking the barf towel. “I can’t make up your mind for you. Hell, even you can’t make up your own damn mind,” she muttered as she went into the bathroom.

As much as I wanted to get back together with John, I couldn’t. I needed to step back and breathe before I decided if that was what was best for everybody.

A month passed by before a new message popped up on my Facebook.

’I wouldn’t have come after you.’ Was all he said. I didn’t know if I should respond to that or not because it shattered my heart more than it already was.

’Took you a month to come up with that?’

’Yeah. It’s not that I didn’t want to, I did. I just thought you didn’t want me to.’

’If you really wanted me, you would have tried to change my mind.’

’Sorry I don’t have girl logic to come up with that on my own.’

I didn’t respond, frankly because I didn’t know how, so another message popped up.

’The truth is… You’re right. I don’t want to be a father when I’m this young. But I was willing to make an exception for you. I don’t think it’s me that’s making you leave.’

’Oh this is one of those “search deep within myself” things to find the real answer? It’s not you it’s me right?’

’Damn, Rianne. I love you so much and you just can’t seem to accept that. I’m not going to go anywhere.’

’John this would be so much easier if you would stop talking.’

’So you don’t even want to try anymore.’

’No.’

I really did want to make it work, but I just couldn’t. It wasn’t in me. Things would be a lot less complicated if we weren’t together.

’As you wish. Can I have her this weekend then? I’ll be at the studio Friday evening at 6.’

’Fine.’

Friday came around sooner than I wanted it to and I had all of Effie’s things packed up and put in the front seat then I drove 15 minutes to the studio.

He was outside by his car smoking the last of his cigarette as I pulled up next to him. Oh my God he was so beautiful. But I had to be mad at him.

John got out the bag from the front seat as I unbuckled her from the car seat and he threw the cigarette down and stepped on it. Be mad, Rianne. Don’t blow your cover.

“She’s so big now,” he said as I handed her to him, looking at her with awe. I was standing close enough to smell his cologne underneath the tobacco; I missed it more than I thought.

As soon as I locked eyes with John, I felt like taking him to the ground and cover familiar territory, if you catch my drift.

Pat and Garrett ran outside then to look at her and broke my gaze with him. Just a second longer and shit would have gotten real.

“She is so adorable!” Garrett squealed as I chuckled and headed back to my car.

“Oh, I’m starting a project with A Rocket to the Moon next week,” I said to John as I opened my door.

“I know you’ll do a good job,” he said honestly and ran his hand down the back of Effie’s head.

“Thanks.”

I didn’t know how I was going to be in the same building as John for however long this would take. Because even though they weren’t recording anymore, they were constantly practicing and every time I saw his face my heart broke a little more. Why did it have to come to this, Rianne?

It was now February of 2012 and The Maine’s tours would soon be coming to an end. I wasn’t ready to start giving up Effie to John when he wanted her again (and by the way she was almost a hearty five months old). She was so beautiful. She looked so much like John and hardly at all like me, which is what made her beautiful. She had John’s olive eyes and my brown hair and was starting to learn to crawl by herself. She amazed me sometimes with how brilliant she was. Just the other day she found a picture of John and I and started giggling and smiling. She knew things should have been that way.

“Rianne, would you get out of here already?” My mom said as she passed through the living room one day as Effie was watching TV intently in my lap.

“Where do you suppose I go?” I was running my fingers through her hair and pulling it into a fountain ponytail.

“Out of here! You graduated and moved out for a reason, now go find another place to live.”

“You don’t want me here?”

“Nope,” she said frankly.

I didn’t want to look for another apartment to live in. It seemed like all I ever did was look at apartments. I just wanted to stay with my mommy.

I got a phone call moments later from John and with my heart skipping a beat, I answered it. He still made me get butterflies like a middle school romance. Only we weren’t together.

“Hey, um…” He paused like he forgot what he was going to say. “We’ll be home in a few days and I wanted to know if you’d meet me at the studio next Thursday at noon.”

“Just you?” I was more focused on what was on the television.

He didn’t say anything for a moment. “…Are you…watching Dora the Explorer?”

“Don’t hate.”

He laughed a familiar laugh and a shiver went down my spine. “Yeah, just me. I’ve been writing a lot and I wanted to see what you thought about it.”

“Oh. Okay, yeah.”

“Okay, sounds good. See you Thursday?”

“Yup,” I said, popping the ‘p’ sound.

****

I was seconds away from the front door and before I reached out for the handle, John burst out and held it open for me. He was wearing black skinny jeans and an orangey-red plaid shirt with the top buttons undone, his tattoo peeking out. Normally days in the studio he’d have on his gray beanie but his hair was fixed up. Why must he tease me.

I found it hard to breathe when I was around him. It usually wasn’t this bad because others were around, but now that it was just us I didn’t know what to do. I distracted myself by checking my non-existent text messages, but he didn’t know that.

He sat down at the piano bench and pulled out pieces of paper as I sat a good 10 feet away from him on the leather love seat.

“Come here,” he motioned for me to get closer so I started to pull over a stool, but he scooted over on the bench and pat it for me to sit next to him.

I was trembling. Being this close to the love of my life excited me more than I thought I could ever be. My palms were sweating and I was probably breathing too much, if at all.

He started playing a chord. “Shit.” He started over and looked at his paper and started singing to me. I wasn’t really listening to the lyrics, mostly just the chord progressions, but I heard him sing “Letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life.” I couldn’t help but to think it was about me, but I could have been wrong.

When he was finished with the song, his hands lingered on the keys until the sound dissipated then lifted his foot off the pedal.

“What do you think?” I asked.

He looked at me funny. “Aren’t I the one who’s supposed to ask that?”

I laughed and covered my face with my hand stupidly. “Right. You are.”

“So…” He moved his hand to my upper thigh then looked into my eyes. “What did you think?”

I started moving closer to him. “Kiss me?” I said quietly and slowly closed my eyes and leaned in the rest of the way and the four months of anticipation exploded on my lips.

“I thought you’d never ask,” he said after our tongues had a WWE Smackdown, then we continued to make out.

It felt so good to be kissing him again. This is the man I wanted to lay next to until the very end. It was getting pretty heated then randomly my hand crashed down onto the keys creating a hideous sound that caused John to jump off the bench.

“Uh, um. So what did you think of the song?”

“It was nice, I really liked it.”

“Would you like to hear it again sometime?”

“Sooner rather than later.”

“That can be arranged.”

I was still sitting on the bench and he was rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

“So, um, the rest of the guys will be here next week to start working on some things. Do you want to work with us again?”

“Sure, I have nothing better to do.”

I gave him a smile and he looked like he stopped breathing for a moment. “Okay, cool, I’ll let them know.”

I stood up and walked over to him then planted a kiss on his lips and pulled away before he could wrap his arms around me. “I should be going.”

“So soon?” I nodded and started to pick up my bag. “Do you, um… Do you want to come home with me?”

I watched him and he appeared as though he was about to fall over from nervousness. “I better not. Effie’s with my mom and –”

“Right, you should be getting back to her. So, yeah, Wednesday is when they’ll be here. Do you think you can bring Effie?”

“Sure sure.”

I walked out the door and I’ve never felt this much in control. I practically had him in the palm of my hand and I loved it. He was falling at my feet. A week of acting like this would have him crawling to me and I was finally ready to give him another chance. That is, if he wants one.