Hang Me Up To Dry

After class, I went back to my apartment. I was happy that I was one step closer to graduating by completing my classes, but I wasn’t excited about moving to Los Angeles. Especially without John.

I was washing my face when John came in and put a big display of flowers on my counter. He was dressed nicely – he had on gray jeans, a white v-neck and a black tux jacket – while I was standing there, looking like trash.

“Congratulations,” he said and kissed me. I wasn’t feeling it. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Did I miss something?”

He looked down at what he was wearing. “I thought I would take you to Kabuki to celebrate.” I smiled when he said ‘Kabuki.’ His cute little accent shone through.

“There’s nothing to celebrate.”

I was walking back into my bedroom when he stopped me and made me look at him. “What are you talking about, babe? Am I wrong or was your last class today?”

“No, you’re not wrong.”

“Then what’s the matter?”

“My internship.” He stood up straight and his expression changed.

“You’re leaving.”

It wasn’t a question. I nodded. “Los Angeles.”

“Well it’s not like it’ll be for that long. And LA isn’t that far from here. Just a good five hour drive.” I still wasn’t happy about anything. “Ri, listen. LA has great opportunities. Especially for producing. It’ll work out better in the end.”

“But you won’t be there.”

I hugged him and he stroked my head. “Do you want me to come with you?”

I pulled back and looked at him like I didn’t understand. “You want to move in together?”

He smiled immensely and kissed me. “I sure do, thanks for asking.”

Even though I didn’t directly ask him, I smiled and continued hugging him.

A few days later, I was in my apartment packing up some of my things before venturing out to California with John in a little while. I was bending over picking stuff up when I became extremely nauseous and I ran into the bathroom and threw up in the toilet. Must have been the frozen dinner.

John knocked on my door shortly after that and I met him down at his car. It was a beautiful February day, 76 degrees and sunny. We had the sunroof open and the windows down with the music blaringly loud and he kept laughing at how I was dancing and singing to whatever was on.

“I LOVE RIANNE MARTIN!” John screamed out the window when the light turned green, then he turned to me and smiled like he always did when he was having a good time. I liked this John so much better than the one before.

We looked at apartments ceaselessly until seven then started the five hour drive back home. “Did you see anything you liked today?” he asked me.

“Not really. There were tons of great apartments, but nothing really shouted out at me.”

“Yeah me either. I was hoping you didn’t say you liked one, because I didn’t.”

“Well we obviously have the same taste because we live in the same complex.”

“We sure do.”

“How are you going to survive living away from all your friends and family?” I asked after a moment of silence.

“How did you?”

“I kept telling myself I had to do what I had to do.”

“I guess I’ll do the same.”

About an hour away from home, I fell asleep in the passenger seat and when I woke up the next morning in my own bed, without John in sight, I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t feel like standing up but I had to in order to throw up.

That’s when it hit me.

I drove to the corner store and back quickly and went back into the bathroom, this time with my future in hand. I waited the longest 10 minutes of my life and once the time was up, so was my future. I was pregnant.

I was eighteen years old, about to start my internship and hopefully a job opportunity will come after I get my certifications, and I had just screwed up my entire life. What will John think? What will my parents think? That’s when I came up with the perfect plan.

I walked over to his apartment and he was fixing himself a bowl of Lucky Charms when he saw me, then he put the bowl down and walked over to me, getting ready to kiss me. I just held him back.

“Is everything okay?” He asked, trying to read the expressions on my face.

“I think you should stay here while I go to California.”

“What? Why?”

“It’ll just be better. Your roots are here. All of your friends and family… I don’t have any. I don’t want to uproot you from everything.”

He held my hands. “But wherever you are is where I should be.”

“Please John. Just stay here.”

“Why are you pushing this so hard?”

I swallowed hard and just let the lies come out. “I don’t want you to come with me.”

“Are you…breaking up with me?” He was searching my eyes as I tried the best I could to make it convincing.

“I think it’s what’s best.”

After looking in my eyes a few seconds longer, he let go of my hands. “Is that what you really want?”

“Yes.”

I felt like crying. In fact, when I got back to my apartment, that’s all I did. Later on that day, after I’d called the apartment complex I liked best to submit a deposit, the moving truck arrived and the nice middle-aged man help me get my furniture in as I put some boxes in my little GTI. I turned my key into the reception and I started the drive to LA as the truck followed behind me.

It was at this moment I realized how I’d screwed everything up. Why did I have to let John go? Why did it have to be like this? It’s for the best, Rianne. He doesn’t need a kid in his life. But what was I going to do? Was I going to put it up for adoption? Raise it on my own in secret? No matter what I didn’t want John to find out. He doesn’t need to know. It’s better this way.

****

Day one of internship. I was working with Warner Brothers Records and they were currently in mid-project with Chiodos. I didn’t listen to the band that much, I just know that Sam was upset when Craig left the band.

I was side by side with a producer named Tim all day and I learned a lot more than I already knew. He would ask my opinion on how I thought it should sound and if the chord progressions sounded unique and original.

But at the end of the day, I was still stuck with this child who wasn’t even close to being born yet. I went to my first doctor’s appointment a week after I arrived and my worst fears confirmed that indeed I was preggers. Six weeks along, in fact. But everything was fine and I was healthy and that was all that mattered.

The worst part of it all wasn’t that I didn’t have John by my side; it was that I couldn’t tell anyone. Not even Sam.

A month after I had moved into my LA apartment, Sam paid me a visit for the weekend and of course she was interrogating me the entire time.

“How fucking stupid could you fucking be? You fucking broke up with the best thing that’s ever fucking happened to you!”

“I have my reasons.”

“Which are what, Rianne? Because I can’t seem to fucking think of any.”

“Sam…” Here it goes. “I’m pregnant.”

She sat there staring at me with wide eyes. She was at a loss for words for once. “What the fuck! Rianne, give me your phone. I’m calling him.”

“No, you can’t. I don’t want him to know.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“Because I’m making his life simpler. He doesn’t need something like this to complicate things.”

“Something like this? Rianne, it’s his fucking child too.” I didn’t say anything so she continued. “Well what were you going to do? Have an abortion?”

“I think I’m going to give it up for adoption.”

“I think you should talk to John.”

“No, Sam. It will ruin everything.”

I was grabbing a hold of her wrist and after looking at me for a moment, she softened her glare. “Fine. Whatever. Do what you want.”

“Please don’t tell anyone,” I said desperately.

“It’s not my secret to tell.”

She gave me a reassuring hug and once she left, I continued with my internship.

I can’t believe it’s already here. The final week of my internship. If I passed this part, the only thing left for me to do would be to graduate. My year was almost over. It was the beginning of June now and I had a lovely five month bump attached to me. My pregnancy was already half way over.

I was thinking about John a lot recently. I haven’t spoken to him since the day I left. I felt terrible because I had supported him so much after he got out of rehab and for me to leave him, just like that, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Before I went to the studio on my last day of internship, I got a Facebook message from him.

’Rianne, I miss you…a lot. I’m coming to see you today. I need to see you. You make me weak, you make me love, you make me wanna scream your name from the top of my lungs. You make me shake, you rescue me, but most of all you make me complete.’

’You had to use Austin Gibbs lyrics? Lol.’

After I’d gotten in the car to go to the studio, that’s when I realized that John was coming here. To see me. I did not want him to see me. I completely forgot about the whole ordeal when I walked in so when I got back to my apartment, he was there waiting in his car.

I took a deep breath as he walked over to my car. Oh my God he looked so hot. How could I not have told him? I opened my door and he held out his hand to help me up and he looked down at my stomach, but wasn’t shocked.

“Sam told me. I didn’t believe her, but obviously she was telling the truth. How could you not tell me?”

“I was scared.”

“Scared? I thought we got past all this being scared of each other. Have I ever made it frightening for you to come tell me something?”

“No.”

“Then why did you just run away, thinking you could just hide this from me?”

“I didn’t want to be a burden. I thought it would be easier if you didn’t know.”

He grabbed me suddenly and held me in a tight hug as everything melted away. “Don’t ever hide something like this from me again. And don’t be afraid just to come talk to me.”

“But you don’t need a child in your life right now. You’re just starting to rise up in your band and you don’t need this weighing you down.”

“Yes, Rianne. I am in a band. And I cancelled today’s show to come out and see you. Nothing is more important to me than you, and now our child.”

I was crying. My plan was falling apart. “I don’t want to be a mother at eighteen.”

“Regardless if you keep it or not, you’ll always be a mother. Just please, let me help you. Let me come back.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly and sobbed. “I didn’t mean it when I said I didn’t want you to come with me. It was the only thing I wanted, actually.”

He kissed me passionately as tears still rolled down my cheeks. “I know you didn’t. I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“Impossible.”