Ocean of Secrets

Even being out of the crowd didn’t help me to catch my breath. How could people go around doing things like this? Did they make money or just do it for the thrill of seeing someone bleed? My mind reeled at the idea of someone causing another pain just for kicks; I wanted to puke.

I stopped walking as soon as we reached the door we had entered through, and bent over to dry heave. When I finished I was glad to see that the bouncer wasn’t around to see me – he must have gone in to watch the fight at some point as well – because Malachai seeing this was embarrassing enough.

What irritated me the most was that we didn’t even know each other well enough for him to hold back my hair. Here I was, downtown in the middle of the night, with only a stranger to guard me.

“Are you feeling better?” Malachai returned to his guarded self now that we were out of Brandon’s company, but his voice held some emotion in it.

Once again I felt the nagging urge to ask why he had brought me here. The first time he was interrupted by Brandon, and then he gave me the crappy retort of wanting to see my reaction, but why did it matter to him? What was it about this ‘hobby’ that was so important to him?

I kept my mouth shut though and followed behind him while he led me back to the car. He didn’t reach for my hand again and I wondered if I had somehow offended him with my reaction to the whole ordeal.

“I was going to take you out to dinner,” he unlocked the car doors and rushed out the rest of his sentence. “But now I don’t think that that is such a good idea.” He walked with me to the passenger door and opened it for me before going around to get in himself.

In my head this night had gone so much better, but that fantasy date also didn’t involve sweaty men getting beaten half to death. I was suddenly afraid that he wouldn’t want to speak to me anymore. I wanted to say something. I wanted to tell him that we should hang out again without a ring in the middle of the room, but my throat burned and my tongue felt like heavy sandpaper. I couldn’t even find the strength to send him a reassuring smile.

Malachai turned on the engine and started to fiddle with the radio until something came on that he liked. I recognized smooth guitar in the background. Finally my vocal chords seemed to work again, “Our Lady Peace.”

The car was still in park but Malachai didn’t take his eyes off the windshield. I thought that maybe he hadn’t heard my quiet voice and cleared my throat to try and say it again, but he spoke then. “It’s a good song, don’t you think?”

I wanted to tell him that the song playing, at this exact moment, seemed overly ironic to me. It was about knowing somewhere; someone out there loved you. “Yeah,” was all that I could get out before the lyrics began.

Wanting to sing along to the melancholy words, I stopped speaking. “Last time I talked to you, you were lonely and out of place. You were looking down on me, lost out in space.”

I hadn’t taken my eyes off of Malachai and finally he looked back at me. His blue-green orbs were full of some raw emotion and I finally understood that tonight had meant a lot to him. No matter how messed up this place seemed it was a part of him, and I had pushed it away from the beginning.

The chorus began and the male singer began to sound angry as he continued. No, not angry, just overcome. Malachai continued to hold my gaze and I began to feel sick again, but I knew I wasn’t going to puke. I was sick with regret and embarrassment.

“Malachai-” I started to apologize but he held up a hand to stop me and blinked slowly.

“It’s alright,” his eyes were still closed as he let out a deep breath. “I understand now that this isn’t your thing.”

I wanted to reach across the small space and force his eyes open. Even if I couldn’t read him one-hundred percent, at least they allowed me to get a feel for his mood. With them shut all I could see was his blank, impassive face.

“I’m not mad,” he didn’t have to tell me that.

“I’m still sorry that I ruined the night.” I felt childish as a blush rose on my cheeks, and of course he chose that precise moment to re-open his eyes. I had to look away from him, I couldn’t think clearly while his face filled my vision.

“I understand that you owe me nothing after how I acted,” he seemed to want to interrupt again but I stopped him by finishing my request. “But I’d like to know why you really brought me here.” I didn’t think he’d answer me so when he walked around the question I wasn’t surprised in the least.

“We should probably get you home.”

Suddenly I didn’t want him to put the car into drive. I didn’t want to return home and pretend for the rest of my life that he didn’t exist. I wanted to try again. I wanted a second chance, “Malachai?”

His hand hovered over the stick shift at the sound of my voice. “Yes?”

“Could we maybe,” My face grew even warmer and I suddenly felt nervous. What if he said no? “Could we try this again sometime? Maybe without the ring?”

The car was silent for what felt like a lifetime and I knew that he was going to come up with some dumb excuse. Hell, maybe he’d even have a girlfriend somewhere. So when he looked in my eyes and nodded his head almost imperceptibly I felt shocked.

Did that mean that he wanted whatever this was to work? Did this gorgeous man really want to get to know me as much as I wanted to get to know him?