Desperately Reaching for Something in the Dark

Luckily for me, that wasn’t who I thought it was. It was Rian, the only one out of the 4 boys I had kept contact with. He was the only one I could trust with the knowledge of me having a daughter that’s Alex’s as well. Not saying I don’t trust the other two; Jack and Zack, it’s just I was always closer with Rian than the other two, and he was the most mature out of them.

I sighed before turning around, trying to calm down my racing heart. “You scared the shit out of me, Ri. You could’ve been Alex for all I know.”

He held back a chuckle. “Sorry about that. I just wasn’t sure it was you. I mean, I knew you were flying in today, it just didn’t sink in, I guess.”

“Next time, don’t do that.” I laughed, shutting the passenger side door shut and walking up to him. “How’ve you been?”

“Pretty good, to be honest. I have nothing to complain about. Cass is coming up to visit next week, so that’s nice.” He smiled that piano-key smile at me. “How about you? And Charlie?”

“We’ve been doing good, too. I started my own Daycare back home about a year ago…? We have over 15 kids already, including Charlie. And speaking of her, she’s great. A little bundle of joy to have around.” Rian followed me up the steps and into my parent’s house. “She can be a handful at times, but it’s worth it.”

“Hello, Rian.” My mother greeted him as he still followed me. “It’s good to see you again. It’s been a while.”

He nodded. “Yeah, when my parents had that barbeque a few months ago, right?” My mother nodded, going back to whatever she was doing. “So, where’s the little bundle of joy?”

“She’s taking a nap, the flight and the time change caught up to her.” We quietly walked up the steps and stood outside of the shut door that led to my bedroom. “Do you wanna see her now or wait ‘til she’s up?”

“I’m already here, so why not?”

I slowly opened the door, earning a somewhat quiet creak to sound. Charlie was a heavy sleeper just like her father. It was one of his qualities that she got that was nice and a burden at the same time. She was still lying on her back, her little mouth was slightly parted, drool running down her cheek.

We walked over to her and I lightly wiped off the drool and wiped it back on my pants like I did when we were in the airplane.

I watched Rian intently as he looked at Charlie. His eyes narrowed so he could get a good look at her. I knew exactly what she was thinking – she really did look like Alex. Her brown eyes, especially. That’s what always reminded me.

Once I shut the door, he said: “You didn’t tell me she really looked like him.”

“It wasn’t obvious from the pictures?” I joked as he went back downstairs.

“Well, it’s more obvious in person. Anyway, I had to go through a lot just to look at those pictures.”

I let out a small laugh. “Why?”

“Because the fucking guys like to answer my phone all the time. And you’d just send me pictures of her randomly so I was always worried one of them would see it and ask questions.”

“Well, shit, you could’ve told me and I would’ve been more careful.”

“Eh, it’s fine. No big deal, cause they never caught the pictures since I deleted the text after I saw it. No evidence equals no questions.”

“Smart move.” I said.

“Are you busy tonight?”

“Just taking care of Charlie.” I replied. “Why?”

“If you can get your parents to watch her or something, we could go hang out more. Get some food and talk about things if you want.”

“Will it just be me and you?” He nodded. “Then I guess I can go. I’m sure my parents will love to watch her for me.”

“Good, then I’ll come and pick you up around…” he tapped his finger against his chin, “7-ish?”

“Sounds good to me.” I said, grabbing a cup from the cabinet and pouring some orange juice inside. “I’ll see you in a few hours.”

--

It hit 7 o’clock, and there was a knock on the door. I had just put my left shoe on and stood up, opening the door to reveal Rian in all his glory.

“Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.” I replied, following him out to his car that was parked on the side of the road near the car my parents had rented for me for our stay. I was nervous because of the subjects that would pop up during our dinner; the most nerve-wracking being of course, Alex. I knew it’d come up because it always did.

We entered the diner and sat at a table. After ordering and the woman taking the menus, Rian looked at me and I sighed. Here comes the questions.

“Why did you end up leaving, Aria? I know the reason you told me was a lie. You know that Alex, Jack, Zack and I can easily tell when you’re lying even if we aren’t face to face.”

“The honest to God truth?” He nodded. I rubbed my face with my hands. Here we go. “I found out I was pregnant a few days before I left. I got scared. I mean, who wouldn’t? I had just turned 19 and Alex was 20 years old. The band was just starting to get big and I couldn’t take that away from him with a baby. I wanted him to live his dream.” I sighed. “That’s why I left.”

He was silent for a few, obviously taking in what I said. As I waited, the more nervous I became. What if he suddenly hated me now because he knew the real reason why I left? The woman who took our orders came back with our food, she sat the plates down in front of us and neither Rian nor I touched the food.

After what felt like an hour, he finally spoke. “Do you know how much hell you put Alex through by just leaving?”

And here’s the topic I did not want to speak of. “I thought about it, yes. There was no other way to do it, though, Rian.”

“You could’ve told him, I’m sure he would’ve been ecstatic about having a baby with you. Arianna, he wanted to marry you.”

Those four words broke my heart. He wanted to marry me? Sure, we had been dating for 2 years, but I would’ve never thought he and I were ready for marriage. “Oh my, God. I ruined everything.”

The next thing he said made my heart sink even more, if it was possible with how shitty I felt right now. “We ended up buying a house together, and his girlfriend lives with us.” He ended up catching what he said and covered his mouth with his hand. “I’m so sorry, Aria, I didn’t mean to say that.”

I shook my head. “N – no, it’s fine. It’s been 3 years, anyway, and he needed to move on.”

“It sure took him a hell of a long time to get over you.”

It was silent between the two of us as we ate our dinner. The only noises were coming from the other customers, the kitchen, the employees and the music that was playing.

Once we finished eating, he drove me back to my parent’s house. We had an awkward hug since we were in his car and he still had his seatbelt on, but promised that we’d hang out sometime this week when Cassadee was in town.

I didn’t even bother going to see Charlie as I entered the house. I know that sounds bad, but knowing that Alex wanted to propose to me back when we were together broke my heart. The fact that right now, we could've been married and Charlie would have her father in her life instead of not having one now.