Holding Onto What I'm Feeling

When I got back to my apartment I just lay on my bed and cried. I had made a mistake by leaving Jeph that night. I hadn’t even left him a note. I felt horrible. I shouldn’t have left him. We could have worked things out. No we couldn’t. Things probably would have gotten worse. I had to stop thinking about it. It was too late. I had already left Jeph. That was in the past. I sat up on my bed and wiped my face with the back of my hand, drying it off. For now, I’d just stay away from Jeph. I didn’t want him to know I was back. Not yet, anyways.

I decided to do some unpacking to take my mind off of things.

A few hours later, I had unpacked a lot of my stuff. I felt tired, hungry, and lazy. I didn’t feel like making myself dinner so I decided to go out. I walked to a small diner nearby. I sat in a booth and looked through the menu that was given to me.

“Carly?” I heard a familiar female voice say. I looked up to see my best friend (at least I still thought of her as a best friend), Amanda, standing next to my table. “Is that you?”

I nodded my head.

“Oh my God,” she said, sitting down across from me. “I was so worried. Where have you been for 8 years?”

“New York,” I said quietly.

“Why did you leave?” she asked.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore,” I said. “You know how Jeph was.”

Amanda nodded her head. She looked sad and then smiled.

“I’m so glad you’re back though,” she said. “How have you been?”

“Ok,” I said. Amanda looked at me.

“You look different,” she said. “In a good way.”

I smiled.

“Thanks,” I said.

“Does Jeph know you’re back?” Amanda asked. I shook my head.

“I don’t want him to know right now,” I said. “I feel bad for how I left him.”

“He told me,” she said. Amanda was a friend of Jeph’s too. “He said he woke up the next morning and you were gone. He figured you just had work and then when you never came home, he knew you had left him. You really hurt him.”

I looked down. I could feel my tears from earlier resurfacing.

“Do you still talk to him?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “He’s so much better now. I mean he still drinks, but he doesn’t get shitfaced like he used to.”

“Oh,” I said.

“Carly, I really gotta go,” said Amanda after a minute. “It was great seeing you. We’ll have to catch up some more another time. I’m still at the same number.”

“Ok,” I said. Amanda got up and left. I ordered my dinner and ate it without any thoughts of Jeph. I had gotten pretty good at not thinking about certain things.