Status: In progress. Updates when I get the chance.
Cross My Heart
Bad Habits, Good Friends
I will admit, the party was fun. When we arrived there had to be at least 200 people shoved into a small suburban house. I didn’t know anyone other than Josh, Matt, and Shaun.
The party was thrown by Matt’s friend’s friend Mike. I met him half way through the party. He was about 5”11, average brown eyes and a head of insanely curly brown hair. He was actually extremely attractive.
Josh offered me a beer I couldn’t resist, and then disappeared into the crowd. Mingling and talking to people I’d never seen before.
At first, I did my usual shy, wallflower thing. But people kept finding me, offering me more and more drinks I stupidly accepted. I started flirting with guys, grinding with girls, until I finally found myself back in Josh’s arms.
“Hey beautiful.” He slurred. He smelled of marijuana and his eyes were blood shot. For some reason, I didn’t give a damn. Probably the beer.
“Hey” I said seductively, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Where’ve you been all night?” I asked, nibbling at his ear.
“Here, there. High, low.” Josh answered, his hand dropping a few inches from its place on my hip. I giggled like he’d never done that before. “You wanna go upstairs?” He whispered in my ear, twisting a lock of my hair around his finger with his free hand.
“Hell Y-“
“RAMSAY!” My answer was cut off by a yell from the opposite side of the house.
“Fuck, Mark you’re ruining my night!” Josh yelled back. Despite his tone, there was a huge smile on Josh’s face.
“Well, sir. I can assure you that I can make it even better.” A short guy – maybe 5”6 – walked up to us. His hair pitch black, but blond at the roots. His eyes the most eerie shade of gray.
Josh raised an eye brow. “What you got?” He asked.
“What you want?” Mark winked at him.
I clued in then. The few sober cells left in my body screamed. Holy shit, Josh was a druggie. How long? What did he do? Had he ever been high around me? I mean, besides this very moment where he was dancing with the green. But this obviously wasn’t his first encounter with Mark. They knew each other.
But the other, intoxicated parts of me wanted to join in the fun. I always had, really. Despite being so against drugs, who doesn’t have that secret urge? I looked up into Josh’s eyes, he bit his lip.
“How much for a little…heroin?” Josh asked Mark. I swallowed, but didn’t say anything to him.
“You wanna smoke or shot it up?” Mark asked, searching the pockets of his trench coat.
“Smoke. Needles give me the creeps.” Josh said and Mark pulled a baggie out of his pocket. “So…how much?” Josh reached into his pocket.
“Depends.” Mark took a step towards me. “What’s the little lady willing to do?”
I was about to spit a rude remark at Mark, but Josh beat me to it. He grabbed the short guy by his collar and pinned him to the wall. “She’s my girlfriend, not my whore. You wanna get in her pants? I’ll kill you first.”
I’d never seen Josh like this before. He always was sort of protective of me, but never to the point of violence.
Josh dropped Mark onto the floor and kicked him in the balls. He curled up into a ball. Josh bent down and searched Mark’s coat. Taking two more bags of drugs I didn’t recognize, and three joints. With one last kick, Josh took my hand and led me out of the house.
“Sorry about that bastard.” He said to me. “He thinks a girl is simply a place to put his penis for the night.”
So many thoughts were bussing through my head, but I still chuckled.
“So you don’t…like…have any issues?” Josh asked, obviously worried.
“Huh?” I asked. I was still drunk, but sober enough that I could walk down the street just fine, and feel the biting cold.
“With my habits?” Josh patted his bulging pockets.
Some part of me did, another had so many questions, and then the devil on my shoulder had no problems and was willing to take of his pants for a little of what was in those pockets.
I nodded. “I just have a few questions.”
“Shoot.”
“First…how long?”
“Oh…uh…” Josh scratched the back of his neck. “Um…I was 15 when I started smoking…speaking of.” Josh reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a smoke and lighter. “Glad to be able to light up around you.” He laughed, and then offered me a smoke. The angel screamed, the devil pushed her off my shoulder and took the smoke. Josh lite it for me and smiled.
“Why does it feel so good to see my girlfriend doing something so wrong?” He said as I took a drag and coughed.
“Coz you find my bad side sexy.” I teased him and poked his stomach. “Now finish with my question.” I took another drag of the cigarette. It was making me feel sick.
“Oh right…well…I started experimenting with like, weed and E when I turned 16…then heroin a few months later…Haven’t really done much else.” His smile fell. I kissed his cheek to make him feel better. His smile returned.
“My next question…you’re drug of choice?”
“Heroin. Plain and simple. I don’t shoot, only smoke. Can’t have that shit on my arm mom would kill me.”
“I think she’d kill you no matter how you take it.” I laughed. God, if I wasn’t drunk that night would have gone differently. I would have never said what I said next: “What’s it like?”
“Amazing.” Josh moaned. “I don’t have to deal with shit anymore. It’s like I’m not even me.”
I closed my eyes and took another drag of the cigarette. I was used to it now, the churning in my stomach had gone away, and the urge to cough was numbed.
“You wanna try?” Josh asked. We were somehow at the school. Around back, in a little indented area in the wall.
I didn’t give myself time to think. Well, barely. The devil said yes right away, he also convinced the angle that if I didn’t do it I’d lose Josh. In the same breath.
“Sure, baby.” I said, sitting down on the grass. Holy mother fucking shit I just agreed to smoke heroin with my boyfriend. Some part of my mind said.
Josh smiled. “I love you so much, Phoenix.” He pulled one of the baggies out of his pocket. I was too drunk to remember what he did exactly, but Josh held the lighter for me again. “Breath in quickly, I want some to.” He said as he lite the drug.
I could see how it would be Josh’s drug of choice. I felt lazy, sort of. The idea of jumping around on a trampoline disgusted me. I fell back into Josh’s arms.
“I love you.” He whispered, wrapping his arms around me. “Forever and ever and ever.” A goofy smile stretched across my lips.
“And ever.” I added. “I’m never going to stop loving you.”
“Phoenix…” Josh said my name in such a way that it made me sit up and face him. “I-I’m not asking now but…one day…” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a gleaming ring. “Just promise one day I can see you in a white dress.” He held out the ring to me.
I smiled so huge and nodded. He smiled back at me and slipped the ring onto my finger, it sent a chill up my spine with the cold metal. Josh, noticing my shiver, stripped off his sweater and handed it to me.
I pecked his lips. “I love you.” I said to him one more time. I reached into his sweater pocket and pulled out the pack of smokes inside.
Josh gave me a look and I smiled at him as I took another and reached for his lighter. “Manners?” Josh said.
I sighed. “Pwease, Josh?” I asked. He did nothing.
“How many I got left?”
“Two, not including this coz it’s got my spit all over it already.” I said – the smoke hanging unlit in my mouth.
“Nope.” He took the smoke from my mouth. “I need those.”
“C’mon Josh! You started this.” I complained, scotching towards him, an idea forming.
“Nope.” He crossed his arms over his chest.
“Please?” I said in the most seductive voice I could manage. I crawled closer over to him and placed a hand on his thigh.
“Fine.” He moaned. I smiled at my new found weapon. Taking the smoke out of his hand and putting it in my mouth, I sat back down where I was before. I light up and took a long drag.
“So what else you take off Mark?” I asked, crawling around to sit beside him.
“His dignity?” I laughed at Josh’s joke, he laughed along with me. “Little bit of E and some weed.” I gave him an evil smile.
“Tomorrow.” He promised me. “Tonight you need to go home so Adam can bitch you out.” He said, looking at his watch.
*
“Just because I love you.” Josh handed me another smoke after I crawled in through my window.
“I love you more.” I said and kissed him through my window.
“PHOENIX HANSEN!” I heard Adam’s voice ring through the house.
“Bye!” I closed my window shut, but Josh was already gone. I had just tossed the smoke under my bed when Adam opened my door.
“Oh thank god you’re okay!” Adam ran and hugged me. To my deep shock, he started sobbing. “You’re okay….you’re okay…” Like hell I was, I ruined my life that night. I made a promise I couldn’t keep, I met the real love of my trashed life, and I harmed someone I would never want to harm.
“Phoenix…” Adam sobbed. “She’s gone…Lisa…she passed away a few hours ago.”
The party was thrown by Matt’s friend’s friend Mike. I met him half way through the party. He was about 5”11, average brown eyes and a head of insanely curly brown hair. He was actually extremely attractive.
Josh offered me a beer I couldn’t resist, and then disappeared into the crowd. Mingling and talking to people I’d never seen before.
At first, I did my usual shy, wallflower thing. But people kept finding me, offering me more and more drinks I stupidly accepted. I started flirting with guys, grinding with girls, until I finally found myself back in Josh’s arms.
“Hey beautiful.” He slurred. He smelled of marijuana and his eyes were blood shot. For some reason, I didn’t give a damn. Probably the beer.
“Hey” I said seductively, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Where’ve you been all night?” I asked, nibbling at his ear.
“Here, there. High, low.” Josh answered, his hand dropping a few inches from its place on my hip. I giggled like he’d never done that before. “You wanna go upstairs?” He whispered in my ear, twisting a lock of my hair around his finger with his free hand.
“Hell Y-“
“RAMSAY!” My answer was cut off by a yell from the opposite side of the house.
“Fuck, Mark you’re ruining my night!” Josh yelled back. Despite his tone, there was a huge smile on Josh’s face.
“Well, sir. I can assure you that I can make it even better.” A short guy – maybe 5”6 – walked up to us. His hair pitch black, but blond at the roots. His eyes the most eerie shade of gray.
Josh raised an eye brow. “What you got?” He asked.
“What you want?” Mark winked at him.
I clued in then. The few sober cells left in my body screamed. Holy shit, Josh was a druggie. How long? What did he do? Had he ever been high around me? I mean, besides this very moment where he was dancing with the green. But this obviously wasn’t his first encounter with Mark. They knew each other.
But the other, intoxicated parts of me wanted to join in the fun. I always had, really. Despite being so against drugs, who doesn’t have that secret urge? I looked up into Josh’s eyes, he bit his lip.
“How much for a little…heroin?” Josh asked Mark. I swallowed, but didn’t say anything to him.
“You wanna smoke or shot it up?” Mark asked, searching the pockets of his trench coat.
“Smoke. Needles give me the creeps.” Josh said and Mark pulled a baggie out of his pocket. “So…how much?” Josh reached into his pocket.
“Depends.” Mark took a step towards me. “What’s the little lady willing to do?”
I was about to spit a rude remark at Mark, but Josh beat me to it. He grabbed the short guy by his collar and pinned him to the wall. “She’s my girlfriend, not my whore. You wanna get in her pants? I’ll kill you first.”
I’d never seen Josh like this before. He always was sort of protective of me, but never to the point of violence.
Josh dropped Mark onto the floor and kicked him in the balls. He curled up into a ball. Josh bent down and searched Mark’s coat. Taking two more bags of drugs I didn’t recognize, and three joints. With one last kick, Josh took my hand and led me out of the house.
“Sorry about that bastard.” He said to me. “He thinks a girl is simply a place to put his penis for the night.”
So many thoughts were bussing through my head, but I still chuckled.
“So you don’t…like…have any issues?” Josh asked, obviously worried.
“Huh?” I asked. I was still drunk, but sober enough that I could walk down the street just fine, and feel the biting cold.
“With my habits?” Josh patted his bulging pockets.
Some part of me did, another had so many questions, and then the devil on my shoulder had no problems and was willing to take of his pants for a little of what was in those pockets.
I nodded. “I just have a few questions.”
“Shoot.”
“First…how long?”
“Oh…uh…” Josh scratched the back of his neck. “Um…I was 15 when I started smoking…speaking of.” Josh reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a smoke and lighter. “Glad to be able to light up around you.” He laughed, and then offered me a smoke. The angel screamed, the devil pushed her off my shoulder and took the smoke. Josh lite it for me and smiled.
“Why does it feel so good to see my girlfriend doing something so wrong?” He said as I took a drag and coughed.
“Coz you find my bad side sexy.” I teased him and poked his stomach. “Now finish with my question.” I took another drag of the cigarette. It was making me feel sick.
“Oh right…well…I started experimenting with like, weed and E when I turned 16…then heroin a few months later…Haven’t really done much else.” His smile fell. I kissed his cheek to make him feel better. His smile returned.
“My next question…you’re drug of choice?”
“Heroin. Plain and simple. I don’t shoot, only smoke. Can’t have that shit on my arm mom would kill me.”
“I think she’d kill you no matter how you take it.” I laughed. God, if I wasn’t drunk that night would have gone differently. I would have never said what I said next: “What’s it like?”
“Amazing.” Josh moaned. “I don’t have to deal with shit anymore. It’s like I’m not even me.”
I closed my eyes and took another drag of the cigarette. I was used to it now, the churning in my stomach had gone away, and the urge to cough was numbed.
“You wanna try?” Josh asked. We were somehow at the school. Around back, in a little indented area in the wall.
I didn’t give myself time to think. Well, barely. The devil said yes right away, he also convinced the angle that if I didn’t do it I’d lose Josh. In the same breath.
“Sure, baby.” I said, sitting down on the grass. Holy mother fucking shit I just agreed to smoke heroin with my boyfriend. Some part of my mind said.
Josh smiled. “I love you so much, Phoenix.” He pulled one of the baggies out of his pocket. I was too drunk to remember what he did exactly, but Josh held the lighter for me again. “Breath in quickly, I want some to.” He said as he lite the drug.
I could see how it would be Josh’s drug of choice. I felt lazy, sort of. The idea of jumping around on a trampoline disgusted me. I fell back into Josh’s arms.
“I love you.” He whispered, wrapping his arms around me. “Forever and ever and ever.” A goofy smile stretched across my lips.
“And ever.” I added. “I’m never going to stop loving you.”
“Phoenix…” Josh said my name in such a way that it made me sit up and face him. “I-I’m not asking now but…one day…” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a gleaming ring. “Just promise one day I can see you in a white dress.” He held out the ring to me.
I smiled so huge and nodded. He smiled back at me and slipped the ring onto my finger, it sent a chill up my spine with the cold metal. Josh, noticing my shiver, stripped off his sweater and handed it to me.
I pecked his lips. “I love you.” I said to him one more time. I reached into his sweater pocket and pulled out the pack of smokes inside.
Josh gave me a look and I smiled at him as I took another and reached for his lighter. “Manners?” Josh said.
I sighed. “Pwease, Josh?” I asked. He did nothing.
“How many I got left?”
“Two, not including this coz it’s got my spit all over it already.” I said – the smoke hanging unlit in my mouth.
“Nope.” He took the smoke from my mouth. “I need those.”
“C’mon Josh! You started this.” I complained, scotching towards him, an idea forming.
“Nope.” He crossed his arms over his chest.
“Please?” I said in the most seductive voice I could manage. I crawled closer over to him and placed a hand on his thigh.
“Fine.” He moaned. I smiled at my new found weapon. Taking the smoke out of his hand and putting it in my mouth, I sat back down where I was before. I light up and took a long drag.
“So what else you take off Mark?” I asked, crawling around to sit beside him.
“His dignity?” I laughed at Josh’s joke, he laughed along with me. “Little bit of E and some weed.” I gave him an evil smile.
“Tomorrow.” He promised me. “Tonight you need to go home so Adam can bitch you out.” He said, looking at his watch.
*
“Just because I love you.” Josh handed me another smoke after I crawled in through my window.
“I love you more.” I said and kissed him through my window.
“PHOENIX HANSEN!” I heard Adam’s voice ring through the house.
“Bye!” I closed my window shut, but Josh was already gone. I had just tossed the smoke under my bed when Adam opened my door.
“Oh thank god you’re okay!” Adam ran and hugged me. To my deep shock, he started sobbing. “You’re okay….you’re okay…” Like hell I was, I ruined my life that night. I made a promise I couldn’t keep, I met the real love of my trashed life, and I harmed someone I would never want to harm.
“Phoenix…” Adam sobbed. “She’s gone…Lisa…she passed away a few hours ago.”