Cross My Heart

“Did Shaun tell you why she left?” I was almost asleep when Josh’s voice startled me. We were on our way back home.
“Yes…she did…then she got angry with me and kicked me out.” I mumbled and snuggled into the car seat.
“Well…why did she leave?” He asked. I knew he was honestly just curious, but I couldn’t tell him.
“She really doesn’t want me to tell you…and I can understand why…” I shut my eyes for the last time.
**
JOSH’S POV
She was asleep for sure this time, but I felt uncomfortable in the silence. You’d understand if you’ve ever been sitting in a car with someone fast asleep. It’s like the silence is just sitting there, and you’re terrified to break it because you don’t want to wake the other person up. You sub consciously drive a little slower, you don’t press on the breaks so hard. It becomes a test to see if you can keep the other person asleep.
But I couldn’t stand it, it was to quite. I reached forward slowly and turned on the radio. It was a little bit of background noise. They were playing Fuckin’ Perfect by P!nk, not like that would wake her up.
The ride back to my apartment – I guess it was our apartment for a while now…she did keep calling it ‘home’ – took about twenty minutes from when Phoenix fell asleep.
The radio – thankfully – kept it mellow. What made me smile was Beside You came on. I was used to this; I smiled to myself and reflected on my success. Nothing special.
But Phoenix started mumbling and stirring in her sleep when it came on.
“Josh…” She would mumble and snuggle deeper into the seat.
“I’m right beside you baby…” I whispered to her. Like I’d ever have the guts to tell her that again. I ruined her life. Why would she ever take me back?
Sure, I was trying to help her fix her life again to, but I started this. All of this. If it wasn’t for me, Phoenix could be happily married by now. With kids, a big house, a successful music career.
It was a shame she ever met me.
Why did I even pressure her into talking to me…if I did remember correctly, she didn’t want anything to do with me back then. She was smart, I was dumb.
I pulled into the parking lot of the building, took the key out of the ignition, and let me head hit the steering wheel. Why was I like this? I destroyed her. The first girl I ever loved? My favourite girl in the world…
I rolled my head over to look at her. Still asleep in the car seat, I didn’t want to wake her. If I could lift her when she had some meat on her, and I was a bulimic drug addict, I could life her as skin and bones now.
I walked around the car in the cold night air and opened her door slowly. “Josh…” She mumbled in her sleep and rolled over. I smiled.
I bent down and slipped my arms around her.
She was light as a feather. She couldn’t have been over 90 lbs. Yes, that worried me deeply…but right now it was to my advantage.
I carried her bridal style to the door of the apartment, then re arranged her so I could open the door.
“Ooooh Joshie’s got a new girly friend.” I turned to see my across-the-hall neighbour standing in her door way. Phoenix didn’t stir. She was out cold.
“She’s just a good friend. She’ll be staying with me for a while…she fell asleep in the car…” I said quickly.
“Yeah. Right.” My neighbour whose name I had never learned laughed.
“I’m serious.” I laughed to.
She tilted her head to the side. “Even if she’s not your girlfriend, she obviously means something to you…you carried her all the way up here for god sakes.”
This was true.
“…Shut up.” I opened the door to my apartment. “If you must know, I dated her in high school.” I said to my neighbour before slamming the door in her face.
Was it that obvious I still had feelings for Phoenix? Did she know?
Half of me hoped she did. That one day soon she’d confront me and tell me she still did to. Forgive me for everything I had done to her, get back together with me…I could keep my promise. We could have our ever after…
The other half of me just wanted her to never know. Move on from me and have a boyfriend who could constantly be there for her.
I needed to get back to the studio. I had written half the songs for the new album - and recorded them to – but I hadn’t even picked a name for it yet. They were all just break up songs.
I carried Phoenix to her room and placed her under the blankets.
I patted down her hair, imagining what it would be like to crawl into bed next to her.
Sighing, I knew I had to let her sleep.
I was just about to close the door when her small voice broke the silence.
“Josh?” She was fully alert now, sitting up in her bed.
“Ya?” I opened the door completely and leaned on the frame.
“Thank you. For absolutely everything.” He said, smiling. I just nodded. “You okay?” She asked, crossing her legs under the blankets.
I contemplated lying. Going back to my room and falling asleep like nothing ever happened. One look in her eyes broke that…I shook my head.
“Talk.” She said, patting the bed in front of her.
***
PHOENIX
Josh sat down on the bed in front of me. I expected him to tell me that he’d been fighting with one of the guys. Maybe Amanda was giving him shit for something. I really wasn’t expecting what he did say.
“I ruined your life, Phoenix. And I don’t understand why the hell you forgive me for it…you keep thanking me but you should be yelling at me.” He let his head fall into his hands. “I feel so fucking terrible.”
“Josh…” I put a hand on his back. “I could never blame you…all you did was include me. You aren’t the one who ruined my life, I am. You’re putting it back together.”
“God dammit, Phoenix!” He stood up suddenly. “I gave you the drugs! I started our friendship. Our relationship. I started everything. If I had just left you alone you’d be happy right now. Your life wouldn’t need to be put back together.” He fell back against the wall and sunk to the floor. Running his hand through his hair, he sighed. “I fucked everything up.”
I crawled off the bed and towards him. “Okay Josh, you did ruin my life.” He choked on a sob. I sat down in front of him. “You introduced me to heroin. To self-harm at its finest. But you know what else you did?” He looked up at me.
“You introduced me to my first love. The only man I’ve ever loved. You made me feel like the world wasn’t against me. You made me smile and laugh. And I could never blame you for all the bad you did because of all the good.” A tear slipped from Josh’s eye, and I must have had the fucking water works going on if he was crying at all.
“Did you ever…like, have any relationships in the past ten years?” He asked. It seemed random to me, but it must have had some relevance in his messed up mind.
“No. A couple one-night stands I was too drunk to remember the next morning. But other than that…you were the only boyfriend I ever had.”
Josh smiled at this. “What?” I asked as he started laughing.
“I must be better in bed than I thought.” I tried to act appalled by his comment but couldn’t help but laugh.
I jokingly slapped him. So softly that I knew he couldn’t feel it.
To my surprise, Josh caught my hand against his face and held it here. He started into my eyes. It felt like an eternity we just sat there, both of us never looking away.
It was like we were both waiting for the other to make the first move, but were both afraid of rejection. When it came down to it, Josh always had more guts.
He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine.