Nicotine and Faded Dreams

We were currently in Houston, Texas. It was the day after our 12th stop of Warped Tour and we had a day off before we headed to Dallas, Texas. In these last 2 and 1/2 weeks I had learned that I had it bad for Travis Clark, and this was a serious problem. I had a very strict rule that I made after my first tour: No hooking up with or dating band members. This rule was in place for 2 main reasons: Tours don’t last long, and band members cheat. I knew Travis was a great guy, but I also knew that there were always going to be girls around like the dark haired girl from New Mexico. I knew that someday he might not be able to control himself with girls like her. I also knew that I wasn’t the hook up type of girl, I wanted something more, and most band members usually didn’t. I knew this from experience.

I realized that I was thinking way too much about completely irrelevant things, because I was fairly positive Travis didn’t think of me that way. I needed to push any thoughts of being with Travis out of my mind, but it was difficult when I was around him all of the time.

Speak of the devil, I thought to myself as Travis walked into the back lounge where I had been sitting and thinking too much.

“LEILA!” he shouted excitedly.

“TRAVIS!” I shouted back.

He laughed and then sat down next to me, “I saw a park not far from here when we drove in yesterday. Do you wanna go?” He looked so excited.

One of the things I loved most about Travis was that he acted like such a little kid. He was similar to me in that way. We loved to go out and randomly explore.

The sun was beginning to set at this point and I knew it would be getting dark soon but of course how could I say no to the smiling ginger sitting next to me, “Sure, let’s go.”

Travis and I walked to the park, he lead the way because I had no idea where it was. When we got to the park’s entrance my jaw dropped. It wasn’t dark yet so I could still see everything it had to offer. There was a huge playground overlooking a skate park, that’s right, a freaking skate park! There were large fields and a bridge going over a long winding stream. I could see a small pond in the distance. It was the biggest park I had ever seen and it was nearly empty, aside from a few straggling skateboarders remaining at the skate park.

Travis must have noticed that my jaw had dropped because he looked at me and started laughing, “Isn’t it awesome, let’s go!” Travis grabbed my hand and began running towards the swings at full speed. I ran with him trying not to stumble and fall on my face. When we reached the swings I jumped on first and attempted to start swinging. The fact that I was just over 5 feet tall and my feet couldn’t reach the ground deterred me from doing that.

I pouted and turned to Travis who was starting to get onto his own swing next to me, “Hey Trav, can you help me, I can’t start.” I laughed at how pathetic I sounded.

Travis laughed with me and started pushing me on the swing, “You’re so short.”

“I’m sorry,” I laughed with him, “Not everyone is gigantically tall like you ok. I’m sorry I’m such a tiny little kid.”

He laughed again, “Don’t be sorry. I like that you’re short.” He smiled.

Once I had started to get going on the swing Travis hopped onto the one next to me and began swinging as well. We talked for a while as we swung and watched the remaining skaters in front of us wipeout repeatedly.

After the sun went down the skaters left, and it was just Travis and I. Travis jumped off the swing suddenly and landed perfectly on his feet, “Come on jump, we’ll go on the slide.”

“I can’t jump, I’ll land on my head, I just know it,” I laughed.

Travis laughed too, “No you won’t, I promise. I can catch you.”

“Catch me? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Yeah come on,” he smiled holding his arms out, “Trust me.”

I couldn’t resist that smile so I took a deep breath and jumped. I closed my eyes as I collided with Travis, making him fall on his back onto the wood chips that surrounded the swings. We both started laughing hysterically until I actually opened my eyes and found that I was on top of Travis, my face now just inches away from his. My breath caught in my throat and I stopped mid-laugh, Travis did too. He stared into my eyes for what felt like a few minutes but I’m sure was actually only a few seconds. I felt his face inching closer to mine and I saw his eyes begin to close. I wanted this so bad, but I just couldn’t let it happen. I got off of him in a hurry and stood up.

“Slides?” I said to a confused looking Travis who was still lying on the ground.

“Uhmm, yeah.” He said awkwardly.

We walked over to the slides and began sliding down the different kinds of slides they had. I chose the swirly slide and Travis took the straight one next to it. It was still awkward at first but after a while it got back to normal and I had almost forgotten about our almost kiss.

“Let’s make a train.” Travis said excitedly.

I laughed and obeyed, putting my legs on either side of Travis, who was already sitting, facing forward on the long covered slide. We began to slide but got stuck about 3/4 of the way down. We both tried to reposition ourselves to get the rest of the way down but we both ended up facing each other, side by side, in another compromising position. I sighed in frustration and made sure to turn my head away from Travis’s.

“Hey,” he said softly, “Leila, what’s wrong.” He gently placed his hand on my cheek and turned my head so it was facing his. I still couldn’t meet his eyes.

“I’m fine,” I lied.

“No you aren’t. You won’t even look me in the eye.”

“I...” I paused, thinking, “I just can’t ok. I don’t trust myself.”

He smirked at this, I could only barely see it in the darkness.

“And just what don’t you trust yourself with,” He asked flirtingly. I could feel his face getting closer to mine again, and this time I couldn’t escape.

“I...” I stuttered awkwardly, “I don’t trust myself around you. I’m too attracted to you okay. There I said it! And I’m just going to get….I don’t want to…” I couldn’t even finish, I was scared.

“You know that I would never hurt you, right?” He asked genuinely while placing a lose strand of hair around my ear.

“I know you wouldn’t do it on purpose, I just…I don’t…we can’t…” I couldn’t accurately put what I was thinking into words.

I thought back to all of the reasons I shouldn’t be with Travis, and then I realized something. I never took any risks. Being with Travis was risky, yes. But he made me happy, happier than I have been in a long time. He was sweet, genuine, and I knew he cared about me. If I didn’t do this, I would always wonder what could have been, just like I did now with my music. I wondered everyday what would have happened if I kept making music despite what my instructors thought of me. Would I have made it big by now? Who knows, I could still be at Warped tour, only here with a band of my own. The sad thing was, I would never know. I couldn’t let that happen with Travis, I needed to forget about the past. I was going to break my own rule. Screw it, I thought to myself.

I found the courage to look into his eyes, I could barely see them in the dark, but I did see him smile before he closed the gap between us and I felt his soft lips press against my own urgently. I smiled into the kiss and I felt him do the same. I was immediately thankful I decided to take a chance on him. No matter what the future held, I would focus on this moment and exactly how I was feeling right now, and I was feeling pretty damn good.