If I Only Had The Heart

I quickly dressed up – a simple top, ripped skinny jeans and boots, no big deal – and applied make up. Pat, Abbey and Tim were waiting for me in the car, so we could go to… whatever they were taking me.

“Okay, so, here’s the plan: we party, then you guys go out so we can call the girls and hire the stripers. Pat can stay with us if he wants” Abbey shot Pat a wink and smiled.

“Hey!” He protested and I chuckled.

“You’re not going to hire a striper” Tim said sternly “she’s a baby!”

“The fuck I am” I muttered, folding my arms on my chest.

It didn’t take long to get to Tim and Abbey’s apartment in Phoenix. The building was quiet, kinda eerie. As we got to their front door, I couldn’t smile but grin widely.

“I know you guys are there.”

I slowly opened the door, to find everyone in there with huge grins on their faces… everyone except for Garrett.

“Pat!” he shouted.

“It wasn’t me!” Pat said, raising his hands in defense.

“Yeah, nobody told me anything; I knew you guys were up to something.”

Biting down on his lip, Garrett shook his head. The whole band was there, plus Tessa, Halvo, Dirk, Max, Austin and Trey. Looking around, I could see a chocolate cake on the kitchen table. I smiled at Tim.

“Chocolate cake.”

“Tessa baked” he shrugged.

“Thanks, Tess.”

She smiled at me. I couldn’t help but feel… happy; it was exactly what I had asked for: something simple, with my friends.

The following minutes were made of hugs and birthday wishes, especially from the guys. Yay. Kennedy, John and Garrett were the last ones waiting for me. I hugged Kenny tightly, earning one of those smiles of his that can melt your heart

I hugged John next, and letting go of him, I turned to face Garrett. He had a small package in his hands, wrapped in a baby blue paper. Of course he knew my favorite color. I raised an eyebrow at him and John shifted uncomfortably next to me.

“Did we have to bring presents?”

I laughed, resting my hand on his arm.

“No, John, you didn’t. Thanks, Gare.”

“Open this when you get home” he whispered, handing me the small package. I pulled him to a hug and he hugged me back, both of his arms locking tightly around me.

My thoughts flew back to this morning, when we were at the airport and the girl had asked me about boyfriends. I told her honestly, it was great. I had the best experiences in my life with Garrett and I’m glad he’s still my best friend.

Someone behind cleared their throats and I released Garrett, noticing we had been hugging each other for a little while.

“I… Uh” I tried to say something to make the moment less awkward, but nothing came out. I left them there and went to Tim’s room, grab my purse.

I stared at the small package for a while. I could make out it was a cd, by its shape, and as much as I was dying to know what it was about, I did as I was told. I placed the small box inside my purse and put it back on Tim’s bed; I was going to wait until I get home.

Dirk was here in Arizona to meet up with Tim and work things out for The Maine’s next tour, since he was going with them. I spotted him talking to Abbey in a kitchen corner, probably about photography. Duh, they’re both photographers.

I talked to John and Halvo for a while, then moved to Jared and Tessa. Jared was the only guy in the band dating someone, everyone else had broken up, even Pat and Lauren. She was still my best friend and I did see her often, but just like my friendship with Garrett, it wasn’t like before. Things got… weird after the break ups.

Speaking of break ups… I looked at Garrett, who was talking to Austin and Trey. He smirked at me and I found myself smiling back at him. I walked up to them and took Gare’s hand, squeezing it. Garrett looked down at our intertwined hands and pursed his lips.

“So, Baby Girl” Trey started, feeling the tension between us.

“Baby Girl?” Austin repeated, laughing.

“No, Amanda Leigh Kirch. Or Leigh.”

“Baby Girl is a way better” Gare said.

“Mandy Moore.”

“No” Trey said “Baby Girl.”

“Seriously, you guys know I hate it when you call me Baby Girl.”

“Baby Girl” Trey repeated.

I tutted and turned away to leave, but Garrett’s hand grabbed my wrist, pulling me to him.

“No, stay here.”

His voice was desperate and he tried to muffle it with a laugh, but I heard it.

“Okay, okay!”

I stood by his side, listening to Trey and Austin talk. We occasionally said something but nothing really important. I gave up after a while; they were talking about music and honestly, it was getting boring. Not that I don’t like music, but it was… boring.

“I’ll be right back” I whispered to Garrett and reluctantly, he let me go.

I spotted Tim and Max in a corner and decided to talk to them. Again, I just stood there and watched them talk. Vito and Halvo joined us and I… stood there. Seriously, it was my birthday and I didn’t have anyone to talk to.

Again, I went to Tim’s room and sat on his bed, staring at nothing. Hopefully, somebody would realize I was M.IA.

And voilà, less than five minutes later the door cracked open and Garrett walked in.

“I knew you’d be here” he said, without even looking up.

I laid back on the bed and scooted to the side, making room for him. He laid next to me, placing his arms behind his head.

“What’s up?”

“I’m bored.”

“How can you be bored if it’s your birthday?”

“Okay, so, it is my birthday. And I’m bored.”

Garrett smiled. We stood quiet, only listening to the sounds outside. John and Halvo were singing… I guess it was a Lady Gaga song? And everyone was laughing.

I shifted on the bed, looking to my side. Garrett’s eyes were closed and he was breathing deeply, but I knew he wasn’t sleeping. His long hair was flopping on his eyes and his tongue flicked on his lips, licking them lazily.

Wow, I thought. Garrett was… wow. We had been close in this past two years, but it was nothing like before. We still liked each other. A lot.

After the break up, we were still best friends, but every time I met some other guy and we went out, Garrett got mad and disappeared for days. I mean, I’m not allowed to have a boyfriend – which I did, but nothing that lasted – but he can meet up with his girls every time he wanted to. So childish.

Biting my lip, I reached out one hand and moved his bangs away from his face.

“Gare?” I asked quietly “if I ask you something, will you tell me the truth?”

“It depends” he whispered. I snorted and his eyes fluttered open.

“Yeah, I will.”

I snuggled closer to him and Garrett sighed, staring ahead.

“Almost two years ago” I spoke slowly, measuring his reactions; he shifted uncomfortably “that day, when I wasn’t feeling well…”

“Lauren thought you were pregnant” Garrett mumbled.

“Yeah, you came home and…” my words caught in my throat. I breathed deeply, trying to calm down. “Before you came home, you did see Rachael. What happened?”

Garrett squirmed by my side and moved to cover my hand with his between us.

“She stopped by my house, you know, she was walking around. She said she wanted to see my parents, they hadn’t seen her in a while. Rachael had dinner with us and my mom offered to take her home, but she wanted me to take her. When we got to her house, instead of saying goodbye, she simply… kissed me. She was all over me and I didn’t know what to do. I-I kissed her back but I didn’t mean to. She was trying to make her boyfriend jealous. I think his love is not good enough. That’s right when I called you. I was going to tell you everything but Tim answered your phone. I… God, I feel awful.”

I closed my eyes and sucked in a breath. My fists clenched and Garrett rubbed small circled on the back of my hand, trying to soothe me.

“I wish you’d told me before.”

“You never gave me the chance.”

Well, he was right.

“Do you realize that most of our fights are because of Rachael? Not all, but most of them?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry is not only a word Garrett, you have to feel it.”

Garrett ran both his hands through his hair.

“Why do you have to bring this up today¿ It’s your day, Leigh.”

“Garrett, don’t try to change our topic please?”

“I’m not doing anything. I’m just saying, you shouldn’t worry about it now. Not now, not today, not almost two years later. You should enjoy your night, Leigh.”

Garrett sat up and moved all the way to kiss my cheek. His breath fanned my face and I froze, feeling him move forward. His lips brushed off mine and when he was about to lean in, the door sprung open and Tim came in.

“Whoa, sorry. I.. didn’t know you were here” he said quietly, scratching the back of his neck.

I pushed Garrett away from me, making him almost fall off the bed. He got up, and I think he was angry, by the way he walked out of my room. I got up and adjusted my top, trying to act naturally. Tim was looking awkwardly at me.

“What?”

He sighed and shook his head.

“I don’t know what you were doing, but” and softer, he said “just don’t get hurt.”