‹ Prequel: Fuel to the Fire
If I Only Had The Heart
Chapter 3
Nobody noticed Garrett and I were missing; Gare quickly joined Austin and Trey again and I was left alone, again. I collapsed onto a bar stool in the kitchen, propping my elbows on the kitchen island and resting my chin on my hand.
What the fuck had just happened? Garrett told me what happened between him and Rachael and I almost kiss him. Not cool, I had to admit. I should be mad at him, which I was, but… I was such a sucker for him. God bless Tim for getting into the room in the right – wrong – moment. Why does he always have to do that? I shook my head, trying to clear it. I spotted a beer bottle next to me and reached out for it, but someone stopped me.
“No, you’re not 21.”
“Like it has ever stopped me before.”
John laughed, grabbing the bottle to himself.
“Aren’t you going to share?” I asked, looking at him for the first time.
“No.”
I narrowed my eyes at him and he sighed, pouring half of the beer in a red cup.
“I don’t want Tim to kill me.”
“Who said he’s going to?”
“I don’t know. But tell me what’s going on first, you drink only when you’re sad.”
“No, I drink when there’s a party, too. And today is my birthday. This” I gestured around us “is a party.”
“I’m not stupid.”
“Yeah? Cause you look stupid holding that cup; give it to me.”
He smiled and handed me the cup. I took a sip and licked my lips, feeling the bitter taste in my mouth.
“Whoa, you’re already 20. Time goes so fast.”
“Oh no, don’t start with that crap” I said, placing a hand on my forehead as if I had a headache.
“Man, I’ve known you for 7 years already. I remember you being awkward when younger.”
“Yeah, that’s what you get for spending so much time with Garrett” I muttered and took another sip of my beer, listening to John Ohh laugh by my side.
“Do you remember when we met? You were so quiet and were always hiding behind Tim-”
“Because he’s tall” I cut him off “And he was going to protect me if something happened. Duh, I was the only girl who hung out with you guys. And I didn’t know half of you.”
John snorted.
“And then, thankfully Abbey and Lauren appeared.”
“Yes, they appeared to save you. But still, from that socially awkward teenager you used to be, you’re doing pretty well nowadays.”
I lifted my head to look at him.
“Is that even a compliment?”
John shrugged, laughing and sipped his beer.
My night went by surprisingly fast. Sooner than I thought, we were going home – me with my hair covered in chocolate and ice cream. Let’s say I… kinda grabbed chocolate frosting and rubbed it on Pat’s face, so, he grabbed ice cream and more frosting and rubbed it all over my face and hair. At least, I tasted good.
Getting home, I went straight to the bathroom to shower and wash my hair. I could hear Pat complaining, he wanted to shower too, but I didn’t care. I washed my hair carefully, making sure to remove all the frosting and ice cream. I changed into booty shirts and an oversized shirt and went to my room, not even bothering to say goodnight to Pat.
I was feeling so tired, for sure it was past 3. I plopped on my bed, accidentally shoving my purse to the ground. The loud thud caught my attention and I sat back, trying to find what made that sound. Tilting my head to the side, I spotted the blue package Garrett gave to me earlier. I took it in my hands and ripped the soft blue paper involving the thin box.
It was a cd, only a cd. I put the cd into my laptop and pressed play. The first song was Kids In Love by Mayday Parade. Garrett had gotten me into Mayday Parade when we were younger, and I knew that song in particular.
I skipped all the songs in the cd, getting a good look. Seriously, what the fuck Garrett? All the cheesey songs you can imagine were in this cd. I stopped on Kids In Love again, finally listening to the songs. The first kiss stole the breath from my lips, why did the last one tear us apart? That sentence twisted in my head and I tried to remember my first kiss with Garrett. My thoughts were directed to that morning, two years ago, when things finally seemed to work out for us, but Garrett said it had been before. I was 16 and him 18, we were both drunk and…
I tried to remember that, I really did, but nothing came to my head. My phone ringing startled me and I grabbed it from the floor, to check the caller. Garrett.
“Hey” I said quietly.
“Hey” he said back. I hadn’t talked to him for the rest of the night, he seemed to be… avoiding me. “What’s up?”
“I’m listening to your cd.”
“Uh… yeah, my cd. Cool.”
“Listen Garrett, I kno-”
“I know exactly what you’re going to say, so don’t start with that shit. I didn’t pick all those songs randomly, Leigh, I chose them because they mean something.”
I swallowed hard.
“Tell me what they mean, then.”
I heard Garrett clear his throat and then, breathe deeply.
“All these songs… they all have the same meaning. It’s been almost two years Leigh; I don’t think I can wait anymore. I miss you.”
I bit my lip.
“Coast Of Maine says please, wait for me. You’re supposed to do that. And Two Is Better Than One? Seriously? You know I hate that song.”
I could practically see Garrett rolling his eyes.
“Amanda, I’m trying to be serious, don’t ruin the moment please?”
It was true. First, Garrett only called me Amanda when he was going to say something important. Second, Garrett rarely talked about his feelings; I was one of the only people who actually spoke to.
“But I do hate that song.”
“But the title of the song explains what I want to say. And so does Love Is Hell, Kids in Love, At Least that’s What You Sai-“
“I don’t like Wilco either.”
Garrett sighed.
“But I know you like Jimmy Eat World.”
“Picking Hear You Me was low. Listen Garrett, I got your point, but things aren’t that simple. I don’t think that making a cd with cute songs will make me run back to you. I believe I already told you this: the only thing we do when we’re together is hurt each other. We’ve done that countless times. I’m tired, Garrett. It’s been almost two years, yeah, but whilst this time we had a great relationship. It feels good to be your best friend, Garrett, not your girlfriend.”
“Are you telling me that you didn’t enjoy all the time we spent together?”
“No Garrett, I didn’t say th-“
“You know what? Forget it. Making a cd was stupid and hoping you’d like it was even more stupid. Good night, Leigh.”
“Gare, n-“
He hung up, cutting my sentence. What. The. Actual. Fuck. There was no point in trying to call him again; knowing him the way I did, I knew he wouldn’t pick up.
I loved Garrett more than anything in my life, but it seems like there was always someone trying to get us fucked up. His touch brought pain, just as much as it brought pleasure; I don’t think I couldn’t handle that anymore.
What the fuck had just happened? Garrett told me what happened between him and Rachael and I almost kiss him. Not cool, I had to admit. I should be mad at him, which I was, but… I was such a sucker for him. God bless Tim for getting into the room in the right – wrong – moment. Why does he always have to do that? I shook my head, trying to clear it. I spotted a beer bottle next to me and reached out for it, but someone stopped me.
“No, you’re not 21.”
“Like it has ever stopped me before.”
John laughed, grabbing the bottle to himself.
“Aren’t you going to share?” I asked, looking at him for the first time.
“No.”
I narrowed my eyes at him and he sighed, pouring half of the beer in a red cup.
“I don’t want Tim to kill me.”
“Who said he’s going to?”
“I don’t know. But tell me what’s going on first, you drink only when you’re sad.”
“No, I drink when there’s a party, too. And today is my birthday. This” I gestured around us “is a party.”
“I’m not stupid.”
“Yeah? Cause you look stupid holding that cup; give it to me.”
He smiled and handed me the cup. I took a sip and licked my lips, feeling the bitter taste in my mouth.
“Whoa, you’re already 20. Time goes so fast.”
“Oh no, don’t start with that crap” I said, placing a hand on my forehead as if I had a headache.
“Man, I’ve known you for 7 years already. I remember you being awkward when younger.”
“Yeah, that’s what you get for spending so much time with Garrett” I muttered and took another sip of my beer, listening to John Ohh laugh by my side.
“Do you remember when we met? You were so quiet and were always hiding behind Tim-”
“Because he’s tall” I cut him off “And he was going to protect me if something happened. Duh, I was the only girl who hung out with you guys. And I didn’t know half of you.”
John snorted.
“And then, thankfully Abbey and Lauren appeared.”
“Yes, they appeared to save you. But still, from that socially awkward teenager you used to be, you’re doing pretty well nowadays.”
I lifted my head to look at him.
“Is that even a compliment?”
John shrugged, laughing and sipped his beer.
My night went by surprisingly fast. Sooner than I thought, we were going home – me with my hair covered in chocolate and ice cream. Let’s say I… kinda grabbed chocolate frosting and rubbed it on Pat’s face, so, he grabbed ice cream and more frosting and rubbed it all over my face and hair. At least, I tasted good.
Getting home, I went straight to the bathroom to shower and wash my hair. I could hear Pat complaining, he wanted to shower too, but I didn’t care. I washed my hair carefully, making sure to remove all the frosting and ice cream. I changed into booty shirts and an oversized shirt and went to my room, not even bothering to say goodnight to Pat.
I was feeling so tired, for sure it was past 3. I plopped on my bed, accidentally shoving my purse to the ground. The loud thud caught my attention and I sat back, trying to find what made that sound. Tilting my head to the side, I spotted the blue package Garrett gave to me earlier. I took it in my hands and ripped the soft blue paper involving the thin box.
It was a cd, only a cd. I put the cd into my laptop and pressed play. The first song was Kids In Love by Mayday Parade. Garrett had gotten me into Mayday Parade when we were younger, and I knew that song in particular.
I skipped all the songs in the cd, getting a good look. Seriously, what the fuck Garrett? All the cheesey songs you can imagine were in this cd. I stopped on Kids In Love again, finally listening to the songs. The first kiss stole the breath from my lips, why did the last one tear us apart? That sentence twisted in my head and I tried to remember my first kiss with Garrett. My thoughts were directed to that morning, two years ago, when things finally seemed to work out for us, but Garrett said it had been before. I was 16 and him 18, we were both drunk and…
I tried to remember that, I really did, but nothing came to my head. My phone ringing startled me and I grabbed it from the floor, to check the caller. Garrett.
“Hey” I said quietly.
“Hey” he said back. I hadn’t talked to him for the rest of the night, he seemed to be… avoiding me. “What’s up?”
“I’m listening to your cd.”
“Uh… yeah, my cd. Cool.”
“Listen Garrett, I kno-”
“I know exactly what you’re going to say, so don’t start with that shit. I didn’t pick all those songs randomly, Leigh, I chose them because they mean something.”
I swallowed hard.
“Tell me what they mean, then.”
I heard Garrett clear his throat and then, breathe deeply.
“All these songs… they all have the same meaning. It’s been almost two years Leigh; I don’t think I can wait anymore. I miss you.”
I bit my lip.
“Coast Of Maine says please, wait for me. You’re supposed to do that. And Two Is Better Than One? Seriously? You know I hate that song.”
I could practically see Garrett rolling his eyes.
“Amanda, I’m trying to be serious, don’t ruin the moment please?”
It was true. First, Garrett only called me Amanda when he was going to say something important. Second, Garrett rarely talked about his feelings; I was one of the only people who actually spoke to.
“But I do hate that song.”
“But the title of the song explains what I want to say. And so does Love Is Hell, Kids in Love, At Least that’s What You Sai-“
“I don’t like Wilco either.”
Garrett sighed.
“But I know you like Jimmy Eat World.”
“Picking Hear You Me was low. Listen Garrett, I got your point, but things aren’t that simple. I don’t think that making a cd with cute songs will make me run back to you. I believe I already told you this: the only thing we do when we’re together is hurt each other. We’ve done that countless times. I’m tired, Garrett. It’s been almost two years, yeah, but whilst this time we had a great relationship. It feels good to be your best friend, Garrett, not your girlfriend.”
“Are you telling me that you didn’t enjoy all the time we spent together?”
“No Garrett, I didn’t say th-“
“You know what? Forget it. Making a cd was stupid and hoping you’d like it was even more stupid. Good night, Leigh.”
“Gare, n-“
He hung up, cutting my sentence. What. The. Actual. Fuck. There was no point in trying to call him again; knowing him the way I did, I knew he wouldn’t pick up.
I loved Garrett more than anything in my life, but it seems like there was always someone trying to get us fucked up. His touch brought pain, just as much as it brought pleasure; I don’t think I couldn’t handle that anymore.