If I Only Had The Heart

Déjà vus are so weird. I’ve been having lots of there lately. I guess no one is surprised when I say Jamie and are hooking up again. Not dating, because we haven’t made it official yet, but I liked Jamie; it was like these four years never existed. And the hardest thing to say is, when I was with Jamie, I could forget Garrett for a while. Hard, but true.

Garrett, on the other hand, didn’t like it very much; he was being the asshole I was used to. Ever since I told the guys about Jamie, he’s been ignoring me, rejecting my calls and not even reading my texts. Maybe he read, but didn’t bother to answer. I eventually gave up; I had better things to take care of, better people to talk to.

I couldn’t complain about it, as much as I hated him right now, I missed him. Not only him, but also my brother, John, Jared and Kenny. Jamie knew that and he tried to help me as much as he could. He even watched Chasing Liberty with me! After complaining, of course.

“Tell me why are we doing this again” Jamie said, stretching his legs lazily beneath me.

“Because you like Mandy Moore” I said. You’d think we were watching Chasing Liberty. Wrong. We were watching American Dreamz. “Plus, you find this movie hilarious.”

“Yeah, I can’t complain about that” he smiled, running a hand through his dark hair. “But promise we’ll watch Case 39 after this.”

I wrinkled my nose.

“That movie isn’t that good…” I trailed off as Jamie wrapped his arm around me and pulled me to his chest. “Yeah, we can watch it.”

After so much time just laying there, I could feel myself starting to dose off. Jamie shook his shoulder gently and my eyes shot open.

“Hey, don’t sleep.”

I sighed, curling even more to his side.

“I need a good reason to stay awake.”

“I thought Mandy Moore was a good reason.”

Jamie smiled widely. I rolled my eyes, but smiled. He cupped my chin and pressed our lips together for a moment. I pursed my lips, thinking.

“Nah, not good enough.”

Jamie chuckled and kissed me again I felt him pull me even closer until we were lying back on the couch, me on top of him. His tongue grazed on mine and I sighed, feeling his hands glide underneath my shirt; I could feel goose bumps forming on my skin where he had touched me.

A loud, surprised gasp came from behind us and I knew exactly whom they belonged to. Garrett and John froze in the doorstep, both with startled and amused - John - expressions at the same time. Garrett’s face soon turned to anger. Rant time.

“What are you two doing here? I thought you’d be back next week.”

“It was too damn cold! The last concert was cancelled and we got a flight earlier” John said, looking at Garrett, whose eyes narrowed at me. I patted Jamie’s knee and got up, walking to where they were standing.

“Where’s Pat?”

“I thought he’d be here already… he stopped at 8123 with Tim” John replied as he hugged me. Garrett walked away as I looked at him. John whispered in my ear, “I think you should go talk to him.”

I nodded, sighing, and followed him. He was grabbing a bottle of water in the fridge and set it on the sink.

“Hey Gare” I spoke softly; he didn’t even budge “How was tour?”

He sighed, obviously not wanting to speak.

“Look Garrett, I know you’re mad but sooner or later you’ll have to talk to me.”

“I rather not” he said quietly, still not facing me. I rolled my eyes.

“Garrett, I-“

He turned around, looking straight at me.

“Listen, I’m just waiting for Pat okay? So, leave me alone. Why don’t you go back to your boyfriend? I’m sure he misses you.”

“Not as much as I missed you” I whispered.

“No you didn’t, not when you have Jamie here. I know you, Amanda.”

“If you know me so well, you’d know I did miss you.”

He was quiet, then. I crossed my arms on my chest, waiting for his answer.

“Go away.”

“No Garrett, I’m not leaving until y-“

“I don’t wanna talk to you!” he yelled. I’m sure the shock was evident on my face.

Garrett exhaled, running a hand nervously through his hair. I pressed my lips together, trying not to cry. I’m sure if I opened my mouth to speak, I would regret it later.

“Listen, I’m sorry, i-“ Garrett started.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“I ask you the same.”

I sighed, shaking my head.

“I’ll say this again and this is the last time. Leave me alone. Please, Leigh?”

I pursed my lips.

“This is about Jamie, right? Of course it is. You’re bitching because I’m seeing him again.”

“No.”

“Yes. You’re jealous, Garrett.”

“I am not fucking jealous!”

“Why are you bitching, then? You don’t like him.”

Garrett stopped for a second, looking at me before speak.

“Okay, do you really wanna hear it? Yes, I don’t like him. Not only him, but all the guys you dated. I don’t like it that he’s always kissing you, that he’s always touching you. It bothers me to know that he can always have you, and I can’t. And it bothers me even more, that you’re only with him to forget me.”

I was too shocked to say anything, to think of anything.

“What the hell is going on?” John spoke, coming to the kitchen, followed by Jamie. I’m sure they heard Garrett and I yelling.

My hands clenched into fists and I started to tremble. Here’s a funny fact: whenever I’m too angry or nervous, like, reeeeeeeeally angry or nervous, the only thing I can do is cry. And that’s exactly what I was going to do.

I felt the hot tears roll down my face, leaving wet trails on my skin as I silently cried. Garrett sighed and turned his back to us. Jamie came to my side and hugged me to his chest, using his free hand to smooth my hair. I let him drag me back to the living room and sat on the couch with me on his lap.

“I’m sorry you had to hear that, I just… I don’t…”

“Don’t worry, Leigh” he whispered.

“You didn’t believe Garrett, did you? Because he was lying, I swear-“

“Shh baby, I know.”

“Ugh, I hate him so much” I whined.

“I hate you too” I heard Garrett say back.

“Don’t say something if you’re going to regret it later” Jamie said softly, brushing my hair away from my face. Maybe he was right. Would I regret everything I said later?