You Got Me

The strange thing about loneliness is that it's pain is not a constant. It's a ping when you're shopping and you see an exceptionally cute couple holding hands across the street. A ping that can quickly turn to an unbearable gnawing. The kind of gnawing that will eat at you. 
Loneliness is a silent killer. 
It makes idiots out of Einstines. You get lonely, sleep with Creepy McCrackin from the bar, do the walk of shame at 6:30am, and spend 20 minuets waiting for your best friend to find you on what seems like the busiest corner in town. 
As soon as I got in the car I don't know if the smell of desperation was radiating off me or if my loneliness was catching. But Dominic kissed me… Or I kissed him. Maybe we kissed each other. I don't know but it was the best kiss of my life. It was the most passionate kiss of my life. My lips still tingle where he kissed me and my insides are still on fire. 

Kissing once just wasn't enough for us over achievers. We made it a game. Hide kisses and groping behind my brother's back. Sneaking kisses when he turned his head. And one amazing night while playing Halo Dom lost cause I was giving him a hand job under the blanket we were huddled under. I got mine while Trixie and I took on the boys high score in Katamari Dumasy. Dom fingered me under that blanket. I directing his fingers and made it seem like I was yelling at the screen. 

"So what is this?" I ask as Dominic takes off his shirt
"Sex?" he asks
"Just sex?" I ask thinking only about the fact that I just don't wanna be alone and Dom is the only person I can truly trust in this moment. 
"Friends having sex" he smiles pulling me close by the loops on my jeans. 
"And that's all? No relationship? No jealousy?" I trace his muscles on his chest
"Deal" he kisses my neck. 
Quite obviously we end up in bed together and things go down. But at least we had six months of pure SEX before anybody found out. David wasn't mad at all. He found it all too funny to believe. 

Nearly a year after this all started, all that hot, sweaty, passionate sex got us into major trouble. I've been getting sick for nearly a month now and I've started gaining weight and I was chalking it up to stress but Dom bought on to the fact that I haven't been in the red zone for a while. 
He was the one who went to the CVS and got more than enough tests. I sit on his bedroom floor letting it sink in that I'm pregnant and he looks at me waiting for something. I find myself filled with anger. anger with him for not using a rubber, anger with myself for ignoring this for so long, anger with both of us for keeping this "friends having sex" thing going for so damn long. 
"You're such a fucking prick!" I glare at him
"What the fuck are you talking about Cassadee?" he asks
"You got us into this mess!" I stand up. "Oh its just sex." I mimic his voice but come off sounding like a retard. "I'll wear a condom if you get scared" my voice goes up to a level just below yelling "What the fuck happened to that? Ya get tired? They cost too much? Cause a baby ain't fuckin cheap" I yell
"Cassie… I don't…" he stops and wraps his arms around me. "I'm sorry" I punch into his chest until the tears start. I cry into his chest going limp in his arms. He kisses my hair and I feel something wet on my the top of my head. Is he crying too? I look up at him as he sniffles. 

"What are you going to do?" he asks over coffee the next morning. LIKE THIS IS A COFFEE CONVERSATION! Killed any chances of me having a good morning jerk!
"What am I gonna do? You don't think this should be a mutual decision?" I ask pouring myself a mug of piping hot elixir of life. 
"I'll support you what ever you want to do. I'm right here and I'll stay here as long as you want me." he sips his coffee
"I don't really think I wanna be a mom… But I know I don't wanna get fat for someone else…" I whisper more to myself
"So abortion?" he asks 
"I don't know I guess so yeah. Let me think on it for a while…" I sigh. 

Days pass the same questions bombarding me. "What do you wanna do?" Each time he asks me it feels like a hammer breaking cracks into my wall of safety around my sad small world. 
Parenting. Raising a child… It sounds so scary. Someone calling me mommy… I don't have a mommy to help me. I would be so lost. Is being a mom something you can do by just winging it?
Adoption. Getting fat as hell. Boobs swelling up then sagging to my knees. And for what? To feel good about myself at the end of the day? Letting a little parasite grow inside me until it becomes a child… Feeling it move and growing to care for it and all for someone else? Is that worth it?
Abortion. Ending it. Pretending it never happened. Going on with my life. Could I do that? Is it selfish? Heartless? Would I be a murderer? Is it really alive? When exactly dose life start?

I sit on the couch with my chin resting on my knees in my comfy pants. Dominic comes in leaving his keys on the table b the door. "Hey Cassie" he smiles at me
"Hi" I look at the ground
"You got an answer?" he asks me flopping newt to me on the couch
"No but I'll have one soon" I sigh. "You hate me right?" I look at him. "For making you wait so long…"
"No Cass i could never hate you. It's a little frustrating but I defiantly don't hate you" he wraps his arms around me. "Do you want help figuring this out?" he asks
"Can we see my dad?" I ask
"I guess. He hates me so I probably shouldn't be there" he laughs
"You will be with me! I need you!" I look up at him
"I'll be with you" he kisses me lightly.