Getting through Traffic

I woke up, with Gerard looking at me. He smiled at me softly,

“What are you doing?” I stretched a bit, looking at him,

“Clearly waiting for a car to hit me.” I sat up and looked at him. He gave him his hand, and took it. He stood me up and I held on to him tight.

“Hey…what’s the matter?” He breathed in my ear. It hurt me to even think about it. To think about I’ll never kiss him again, hug him, and call him Ardy. For some reason, I decided not to tell him. Maybe it will be better if he didn’t know.

“Nothing, Ardy…”I could barely say it, with out my voice cracking. My eyes welled up and I turned from him.

“What’s the matter…”Gerard turned me around and forced me to look in those deep brown hues of his. I looked down, he put his finger underneath my chin and made me look up, and “Ras…come on and tell me.” What came out wasn’t my voice.

“We…we are moving back to Chicago, Gerard. In a month.” I saw the shock go on his face and he took a step back, “I tried to plead with my mother, all she said was that we already have a house waiting for us.”

“No…I don’t want you to go, Ras.” He whispered, while his eyes were getting wet. I hugged him tightly, trying not to show my fear.

“We can keep in contact, you know.” Gerard pushed me off, shaking his head,

“I can’t believe you are okay with this!”

“I’m not, Gerard. But what else can we do.” He looked down quickly, thinking of a plan.

“We can run away together. I can support us with my drawings.”

“Gerard…” I said to him, shaking my head, “We are both only 17.”

“I know we can do it if we try!” He cried, holding my hands. Gerard’s face was red and tears were dropping from it.

“Gerard….” He looked down and smiled sadly,

“You don’t even want to try, do you?”

“It’s not that….” I said. He turned around and walked to his house, “Gerard!” He didn’t respond to me, “GERARD!”

Frank looked at me; I had never walked to his house. Usually Gerard drove me, but today, I walked to his house. I was still wearing my p.js.

“Ras?” He questioned. I broke down and fell on my knees crying on his steps. I heard him gasp, “Ras…what’s the matter.”

“I’m moving away! In a month.” My voice was choppy and it felt like I was drowning from under all of my tears, “I told, Gerard…and he wanted me to run away with him. He got mad when I said no.”

“Oh…Ras…”He said, sitting next to me. Frank rubbed his hand on my back, as I sobbed. Even for my father, I didn’t cry this much. Maybe because I had an outlet to help with the pain. Gerard. He helped me, but now…he was gone. He didn’t want anything to do with me. I cried even harder, thinking about that.

“He hates me!”

“No…Ras, he’s just angry. I’m sure he’ll be better.” I looked at him and hugged him, the first time that I had ever really touched Frank. His body tensed up and he hugged me back, shhing me.

I woke up, with Frank’s arms around me. The night had come down upon us. I looked at him and smiled, knowing he spent the whole day with me. Trying to keep me from doing something bad.

“Thank you,” I told him, smiling. Frank opened his hazel eyes slowly and stretched,

“Thank you, first time I’ve slept with a girl.” I sighed and shook my head,

“I’m heading back home.”

“I think I’ll walk with you.” I rolled my eyes, “It takes a good hour to walk to my house.” Frank shrugged, putting his hands in his pockets,

“I’ve wanted to take a walk anyway.” I smiled at him and kissed his cheek, softly. He lit up like a Christmas light. We stepped out of his house and walked in the bitter silence of the night. I didn’t bring a jacket, I was numb to the cold, and then the snow started to fall upon it. I looked at him,

“It’s the middle of November. And it’s snowing.” Frank laughed and put his jacket on me,

“I can’t let you get sick and die.”

“I would cherish it, “I muttered under my breath. Frank sighed and put his arm around my shoulder,

“I would cry if you died. Gerard would kill me, and Mikey would miss his big sister.”

“Will you keep in contact?”

“Yep.” I looked at him and pointed at him,

“Guitarists honor?”

“Fuck yah!” I laughed at him and put his hood up on me. I looked at his face closer and poked his nose ring,

“I didn’t know you had one.” He laughed at me and nodded,

“Yah, don’t you look at me?”

“I mean yah…but….I donno.” I shrugged, looking back at the sky. The moon was hidden, from the clouds but still…I felt it glowing on me, giving me a new life. I looked at Frank and nodded at him. He smiled at me and nodded back.

When I reached back at my house, Gerard was sitting on the porch. He was crying insanely. His screams of pain made my stomach turn. I walked to him slowly, as if I was approaching a wild animal.

“Gerard…” I whispered.

“I tried to ask your mom to reason. She just told me that…what I feel isn’t real. And this is just a crush. I told her it wasn’t.” I sat next to him, looking at Frank for help. He walked over and sat down in front of him.

“Hey…she told me the same thing, “I cooed in his ear. He looked at me and cried even harder,

“I thought when you told me that, it was just a cruel joke. That you weren’t ready…but you are going. You are actually leaving us.”

“I don’t want to, Gerard.” I kissed him softly, letting his tears wash over my face. Frank sighed, and looked at the snow falling,

“Gerard, she wants to stay with you.”

“I know that!” He nearly screamed….”I know that.” And we sat there, letting the snow just cover us. Gerard eventually went to sleep in my arms. Frank helped me pull him in the house, we all when in my room. Frank went to sleep on the floor, Gerard and I slept together in my bed.

“I love you so much,” I whispered to him. In his sleep he muttered something, “And if I could run away with you, I would, Ardy. But…I can’t.”

I…just can’t. After all the plans we had made, after all the times he had saved me from myself. I couldn’t just abandon my mother. She needed me. I looked at the slumbering boy in my arms, and sighed. He needed me too.

I was standing in the middle of the street again; there were two ways to go. With my blood…or with my love.