Holding Hands Won't Be Enough

“Jesse.” she smiled, embracing the muscled Valo who had snuck up behind her after the speeches and tapped her on the shoulder, “How are you sweetheart?” he smiled and nodded, standing back and admiring her whilst holding her arms.

“I’m great, really great. Sophie and I got married, she’s in Sweden with her family, she sends her love.”

“Oh that’s wonderful! Congratulations.”

“I can’t believe I have a nephew..” he laughed, staring at Oscar, “Hey little dude.”

“Hello.” he offered absentminded as he played with his dough. Milly took it out of his hands and placed it out of his reach.

“Oscar, this is your uncle Jesse, Daddy’s little brother.” he turned and looked, before smiling.

“You don’t look like Daddy.”

“I’m the attractive one.” he laughed, holding his fist out.

“Bump it!” Oscar cackled, having learnt to bump fists from Seth.

“Awesome!” he grinned, taking Jyrki’s empty seat, “Mum hasn’t stopped talking about him. Not once.”

“I believe that.” she smiled.

“So, how are you Aaltoinen?” he asked, placing his hand on her shoulder. He was always there as a ear to complain to, whenever Ville had particularly rubbed Milly up the wrong way in the past, Jesse was always the first to know and to offer advice.

“Coping.”

“Yeah?” she nodded.

“Wine helps.”

“Always did.” he chuckled, pouring himself a glass. They sat saying nothing for a minute or two, just looking at Oscar, Milly chewed down on her lip.

“…It’s hard, Jesse.” she finally admitted. “I’m just starting to realise again how angry I am at him.” she explained, grinding her teeth together at the end of her sentence, “I never stopped loving him, so this.. this is murder, but then I think how angry I am at him and that this is what he deserves.. but then, I don’t deserve it. I just.. I don’t know how to move on from this point that I’m at.” she shrugged, “I have literally no idea.”

“You’ve always been the strong one in the group, I have a feeling you’ll work it out. You’re here and holding it together witnessing this bullshit.. a strong person wouldn’t be.” he paused and laughed, “And a lesser person would be pummelling Liza’s face in with her ridiculous shoes for trying to split them up from their kid.” he squeezed her shoulder and shook her gently. “You and the little man come and dance with me before Mum kidnaps him?”

“We’d love to.”

————

Anita stealing Oscar away was inevitable, she was just as uncomfortable here as Milly was, the only exception being that she had no qualms in showing it. She stood at the basin in the bathroom, running the water and just listening to it as she processed the million thoughts swarming her brain. If the water hadn’t had been so loud she would have heard a cubicle door unlock, it wasn’t until she was touched on the arm that she knew she wasn’t alone. “Jesus Christ!” jumping almost a mile to her right, she wasn’t sure if it was the shock or the fact that it was Jonna. She placed her hand on her chest and took a deep breath as she turned off the tap.

“I didn’t mean to startle you.” Jonna said apologetically.

“I’m sure you didn’t mean a lot of things.” Milly retorted snidely. Jonna bowed her head and fiddled with the zip on her purse, Milly could tell she wanted to say something, so relented, “I’m sorry, that was uncalled for.”

“But it was though, really..” she shrugged, “Milly, I.. I’m really sorry for everything I’ve done to you.” her eyes looked heavy as they made intent eye contact with Milly. Her heart skipped a beat and she held the bench to steady herself, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “I, um.. I honestly didn’t think you would come tonight after everything.”

“I came for Oscar, no one else.” Jonna nodded.

“He didn’t smile once until you walked in through those doors.” Milly ran her hand through her hair, confused.

“Jonna, why are you apologising to me? You got everything you wanted, you got my life.. I’m not going to congratulate you if that’s what you want? I can’t.”

“That isn’t what I want.” she replied, shaking her head softly.

“Then what is it? Because I wasn’t prepared to do this niceties thing, especially with you..” Milly sighed truthfully.

“He’s never going to be present,” she said tapping her head, “If he doesn’t know for sure that you’re not going to just take Oscar away from him. I can see it in his eyes when he sits there waiting to hear from you.”

“Jonna, I flew him across the planet and delivered him to your door. My work is fucking done, okay? If he can’t get his act together, then you need to fix that, not me. I’m not a part of his life anymore, he is a part of me and my son’s life.. He made his decision a long time ago and sealed it with that little bundle.” she said sternly, pointing at Jonna’s stomach that she instinctively touched with her hand. “Now I love him and I always, always will.. But I am an angry lady.. And each event, each conversation, each tabloid column, each phone call, each time I see you, is making it worse, because I have to relive over and over again the day I came home to tell my fiancé I was pregnant and found him in my bed with you; I have to relive you taking away the precious moment of me telling Ville about Oscar; I have to relive you fucking my life up time and time again, my blood is boiling Jonna, and all I can do to keep from bubbling over is to pretend that I’m a bigger person than all of this. So I’m sorry that the way I want to co-parent my child is effecting your life, but you know what, that’s not my problem. You guys made this bed..”

“I'm sorry.”

“I can’t accept your apology, I’m too angry. I hurt so much. You hurt me.” she shook her head and looked down at her shoes, “I can’t accept your apology but I will agree to be civil with you. I’m never going to be okay with this, or be your friend, or even feel comfortable that I leave Oscar unattended with you, but I can look past it and I can play nice, because I will not have Oscar around hostility.”

“Okay.” Jonna nodded.

“Okay.” Milly replied, as she turned to walk away, Jonna’s hand grabbed hers before it left the basin edge.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t.”

————

“Where are you going in such a hurry?” Mige asked perplexed at why she had approached the table at such speed.

“Cigarette.” she replied, standing straight and taking a mouth full of wine, eyeing the venue to make sure Oscar was safe and happy with Anita still before heading to the balcony. She opened the doors and the cold air whipped at her legs sharply, she needed it. She felt like she was on fire, an exchange with Jonna was the last thing she imagined to happen today, especially within an hour of being here. She tapped her fingers on her elbow as she paced back and forth in agitation, realising she’d left her purse in the bathroom. The door opened behind her, but she kept tapping and kept her focus mindlessly on the city skyline.

“Jonna said you spoke.” his baritone voice rolled through the cold air to her. She nodded.

“Yep.” she could hear his footsteps nearing her, so she turned.

“Thank you, for not slapping her or screaming at her.” he said as he held out her purse for her to take, “It’s what I would have done.”

“It’s her engagement party and she approached me to apologise, I’m not made of stone Ville.”

“What did I do to deserve you in my life?” he asked pensively, with a coy smile.

“I think the question remains what did I do to deserve what you did to my life?” her words caught him off guard, his posture stiffened and his eyes sank.

“Milly.. You know I.. The regret I..” he couldn’t get his words out of his mouth, Milly had never experienced that from him.

“You know your mother was right, I should be angry at you. I am angry at you, Ville.” she said, her voice breaking a little as she said his name. “I had to explain to our son that his daddy was marrying another lady and he asked why you weren’t marrying me.” he dropped his head and pressed the back of his hand to his mouth, “How I’m going to tell him that it’s because you’re having another baby, I just.. I don’t even know.”

“Don’t tell him..”

“And then what, a baby is just there when he comes to visit.. You can’t spring that on a child, you idiot.” she spat.

“Why haven’t I seen you since my parents house, is it because of Mum? Because of what she said?”

“Yes.. and everything else. I sat in that living room with all those photographs and the tree, and started to feel toxic that you and I had deprived Oscar of growing up with that, but as quickly as I felt that, it coursed through me stronger that it was because of you and her. I am mad, Ville.” she said loudly, “And it wasn’t until being faced with it, staring at the spectacle of my life being lived by another, that I knew how mad I was.”

“How can I fix this?” he asked desperately.

“Go back in time and not ruin our fucking lives.” she shouted before receding and covering her mouth.

“Milly.. I-“

“Don’t.” she said with a dismissive wave of her hand, “Just don’t.. It’s done. I’m just upset, sorry.” she swept her hair out of her face and braced her arms with her hands, the cold now nipping at her body.

“You have every right to be.” he stated quietly, slowly stepping to her. She noticed, but didn’t move evasively. He slid his jacket from his body and held it out for her.

“I don’t intend on being out here any longer.” she said dryly.

“One cigarette.. please.” she looked him straight in the eyes, sadness emanated from them and she felt sorry for him.

“One.” she replied, accepting his jacket and perching it over her shoulders. They said nothing but both moved to the balcony’s ledge, peering out over their hometown. “I’ve missed this skyline.” she said fondly, mostly to herself, taking it in.

“I don’t doubt it’s missed you too.” he noted, he saw her smile sadly. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and hold her hand, but stopped himself sliding his hand along the concrete banister when it was halfway between them. “Thank you for coming; for bringing Oscar..” she inhaled, placing her hand down on the banister close to his, though unintentionally.

“I came for closure Ville..” she admitted, pressing her fingers to the bridge of her nose. She shook her head and turned to look at him. “I need to learn as much as you do that this is happening, that this is real life, that we have responsibilities.” though he knew everything she was saying was true, every word hurt him, “Life goes on, we both need to see that, especially now everyone knows about your baby.”

“But I can’t help but imagine that all happening with you by my side, not Jonna.”

“Well, you know Ville.. I can’t fucking change that.” she laughed bitterly, “But I do promise you I will not deprive you of your son.” she insisted adamantly, Jonna’s words having resonated with her, “I will not take Oscar out of your life because of her, you need to know that.” she ordered, placing her hand on top of his and squeezing. “I promise.”