Tiptoe Through the Tulips

Glenn shot me a look, and I shook my head again, not approaching Daryl until he had pulled on a spare shirt and stormed off once again. T-dog had walked over to Merle and placed a firm hand on his shoulder, I saw Merle flinch but he didn’t move, his face still pale, jaw still locked.
I quickly snatched a gun from the pile of weapons, trailing after him, the group silent; I didn’t know how many had seen the scars. Some, like Maggie were too far, the angle too sharp.

But there had been no hiding them from other people.

I trailed him silently for a while, he must have known I was behind him; I was too noisy, too clumsy as always, I could see the way his hands were clenched into fists, how they shook slightly. He stopped suddenly and so did I, hand resting on the cold tree next to me.
“Why are you following me? It ain’t safe out here.”

“I brought a gun,” I answered quietly, suddenly nervous of my surroundings.

“You’re still not a good shot.” He said, no spite in his words. I nodded, even though he couldn’t see, waiting a few seconds before I slowly began to walk to him, the ground covered in a slight frost cracking underfoot. He didn’t move, his hands still clenched, I stopped straight behind him, dropping the gun to the ground and sliding my hands forwards until they rested around his fists.

He didn’t react visibly, although I felt the shaking slow, his fists eventually opening slightly.
I waited until his breathing was more even and leant forward, leaning my lips heavily against the gap between his shoulder blades.

I wanted to show him I knew, I understood.
I understood more than I would ever wish too.

He finally relaxed, moving slightly and turning, letting go of my hands only to clasp them again when he was facing me. His face was pale, his eyes red from tears he would never let fall. I bit my lip, trying to avoid making total eye contact with him.

“You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.” I said quietly, barely a whisper on the breeze. “Whatever anyone says...” He nodded, letting out a long slow breath.

“It’s fine.” I scoffed slightly, glancing up at him,
“It’s never alright.” I said honestly, referring as much to my own father as his. He looked down, looking at his hands gently entwined with my own. “You knew.” He said with no accusation, still looking downward. I nodded, opening and closing my mouth mutely a few times before I spoke,
“I guessed, you were too careful about me not seeing them for me not too.”
“Gave myself away huh?” He said, trying to joke unsuccessfully.

The forest was silent, eerily so, the only sounds our breathing and my heartbeat, which seemed to thump against my ribs. “Even when you opened up to me, after Andrea... I got the impression then.”
“Hershel woulda seen them,” he realised suddenly, looking uncomfortable t he thought.
“And he wouldn’t have given a damn, and he would never breathe a word to anyone.” I defended, feeling my throat clog, “And neither will I...but...Merle.”

“My brother is an idiot.” He spat, anger present again, “He said he never knew,” he ripped his hands away from mine, swinging on his heel in a way that suddenly forced my repressed memories of Shane to the surface. “He knew, it’s the same damn reason he left, and he did...” his voice rose to almost a shout, causing me to wince, “He left me with him, he escaped and left me with it all.” He growled, slamming a fist on a tree.

“Daryl,” I urged, he needed to be quiet, his voice would carry, attract Walkers. “You can’t...” he froze suddenly once again, small trials of blood spilling down his fists, dripping onto the hard ground. I stood still, my teeth causing blood to rise from my split lower lip, my hands wringing nervously.
“Sweetie?” I tried again, wanting to comfort him, but... I couldn’t imagine how he felt being so exposed, he had hardly ever been open with me.

The possibility of everyone knowing something so personal, so horrid. I felt my eyes flood with tears, for him, for me, for every abused child that could never get over it.

I took a step forward again, freezing as I heard a heavy footprint behind me. I swung around, glaring as I noticed it was Merle. I glanced back at Daryl, still facing the opposite way, “Leave him,” I mouthed, pointing back towards the camp, he shook his head.
“Daryl I...”

“Not now Merle,” I bit.

“No blondie, I need to talk to my little brother and...”
I frowned, felling my jaw lock as I stepped towards him, “Well maybe if you had been there more for your little...”
“Ariella.” His voice was quiet and I ignored it, continuing my rant at Merle, “Ariella!”He raised his voice and I stopped suddenly, my tongue darting around in my mouth nervously.

“We’ll meet you in a minute,” he said agin, his voice low like he didn’t trust himself to talk, I paused, eyes flickering over them both, Merle had the dignity to look ashamed. Eventually I agreed, breathing out a quick ‘okay’ and grabbing the pistol, pushing it into Merle's chest heavily as I walked past, shooting him a glare as I tried to hold back my mumbles, my hard words against him.

I didn’t breathe properly until I reached the camp and a confused looking Glenn, “Not now,” I sighed softly, patting his arm and pulling him with me, he went to speak but stopped himself and just accepted my words, there was no way he would want to be brought into a Dixon brother brawl.

“I’m still not happy,” he said slowly, his voice low as we watched Beth play with Sophia, “I don’t think Rick will be either when he’s up and about,” Rick was awake, talking quietly in the car with Carl, he wasn’t up to speed with the plans of the new group, or who now was part of this group.

“Let Daryl talk to him about it, and then we can discuss what to do.”
“Daryl will say anything to get Merle to stay,” I frowned slightly, he was so angry at him, so hurt, would he?
“I’m not too sure anymore,” Glenn frowned, loosening his facial muscles as Abed and Seth headed over,
“Everything alright with...” Seth trailed off, eyes on my stressed face,
“I’m sure it will be.” I lied, stretching so my sore back cracked slightly, “Once Rick’s a bit more with it we need to discuss everything, decide properly what we’re doing.”

“I thought we did decide,” Sasha cut in snidely, “Or you gotta wait till your boss give you the okay,” I rolled my eyes although something she said stuck.
Was that still how it was? Since the farm, since...Lori, I had no idea how Rick would be, how destroyed.

Would he still want to be the leader, could he still handle it?

I glanced at Glenn who was looking down at his twisted hands, no doubt wondering the same thing.
“Like I said, we’ll sort it out later...as for now someone needs to swap watch with Andrea and T-dog and we need to sort out food and what equipment we have.” Glenn nodded quickly, bursting back to life,

“You two okay with watch?” he asked towards Seth and Sasha, Seth nodding happily which Sasha took a second, a deep frown cutting into her face.
“Cool, well if me, you, Maggie and Michonne start making some kind of inventory, whilst everyone eats and gets sorted then...”
“Sounds good,” I offered, smiling lightly at Seth as I brushed past him.
If it came down to it and Rick was unable, I would trust Glenn’s judgement and planning any day.
“We’ve got a lot more weapons than we have ammo,” Michonne mused, shifting the ammo into piles on the roof of the car,
“Too many guns if anything,” Maggie added, defending her words shortly after, “We need more handheld weapons, more silent ones, like Daryl’s crossbow.”

I popped my lips, Daryl crossbow was long gone, lost somewhere in the town of the religious lunatics, “I agree, we have a lot of small knives but it was better before, like when I had my axe...we need weapons like that.”
“Specialist, we aren’t going to be able to just pick them up,” I shrugged.

“We could check hardware stores, sports one – metal bats, axes; that should all be there.”
“I would still feel safer if we had enough bullets,” Glenn said quietly, eyes resting slowly on the small pile, “Just in case ya’know.”

Just in case we ever ran into more people like Woodbury, like the Governor.
Thinking about him made me feel nauseas again.

“Has...has Daryl said anything to any of you about that?” I asked, glancing at my three friends, Maggie sucked in her lips but shook her head, her greasy hair lifting slightly in the cold breeze, “I know he went for him, and he said he killed him but nothing else...he just wont wanna scare you with the details.”

“I just can’t imagine the Governor being all that easy.” I said, more to myself than them, seeing Michonne staring at me with a frown out of the corner of my eye. “He gets in your head.” She looked away as I turned to face her, looking worried.
About me?

I turned, the stress lessening dramatically for a moment as I saw a welcome sight, Rick standing out from the car, having to lean slightly on Carl, he would still be a bit dizzy, he would have lost so much blood.
But he was standing, I felt my face stretch into a deep grin.
_________________________________________________

We lit the candles we had quietly, there were far too many, each one bringing back painful memories.
But the happy one’s were there too, and they were what mattered.

We hadn’t had a memorial since Dale, and we had lost so many people since then...it seemed right, and Rick had suggested it, although the clouding over his eyes hadn’t lessened at all, and he had remained silent.
Two of the candles were for his wife and unborn child, just the thought of his grief made my stomach churn.

“You alrigh’?” I nodded, even though the tears lingering on my cheeks made me an obvious hypocrite, his rough hands rubbed the tops of my cold arms, and I glanced up, offering a small smile to Seth who nodded at me.
They had lost people too before they had met Daryl and that, everyone was silent, most deep in thought.

Daryl and Merle had returned after a couple of hours, Merle nodding at me, again offering me his lone hand to shake, Daryl behind him had nodded, rolling his eyes slightly and I had regretfully taken it. I suppose in that movement I had accepted his apology.

And Daryl had refused to talk about it, said simply that they were ‘alright, don’t worry bout it’ and left it. No-one had mentioned the scars either, although I suppose they were very out shadowed by two of the group having harsh stumps ending their arms.
Another thought that made me squirm.

A sudden thought made me chuckle slightly, attracting a couple of odd looks, “Beth,” she turned to face me, as usual next to me, “Remember what time I swore at you on the farm.” She grinned slightly, “Dad looked so horrified,” she mockingly shook her head, “You were exactly the kind of girl he warned me to avoid at school,” I scoffed.

“Me? What did I ever do? Maggie was way meaner!”
“You mean is,” Glenn mumbled, winking at me to make it clear it was a joke, however it was not one Maggie appreciated. “You smashed an egg on my head, a rotten egg.”
“You were an ass.” Maggie mumbled, causing me to laugh again, the mood slowly changing as we brought up things we recalled.

Andrea spoke, the only time I had ever heard her, about Amy, her sister. About the time at the quarry, Glenn finding a sports car he had always wanted.
T-dog trying to hunt once, he grinned, “I still can’t hit anything that isn’t dead still.”

By the time everyone separated for sleep, myself and Michonne on watch the mood was a lot lighter, and the last hour had been filled strangely with laughing, memories that made you happy.
Although the minute I was alone with Michonne and she brought him up it changed dramatically.
“What did he do to you?” she said simply, keeping her voice low, her eyes illuminated slightly from the fire behind us as we stared out into the dark.

“Nothing like what he did to you.” I said slowly, wishing there was some easier way to word it, some gentle way.
“Then I suspect he did worse.” I shrugged, uneager to talk about it, I had barely spoken of it since the escape as Woodbury. Daryl was avoiding talking about his death as much as I wanted to avoid thinking about my three days alone with him.

“He just... I don’t know, he was trying to make me vulnerable, to make me snap...and he kept saying things, horrible things about everyone here, about how wrong it was...I just...” I sighed, “He knew you wouldn’t break, and he assumed I would... and...”
I finally admitted it to myself, said it out loud.

“For a while I think I did.”